We Are All Thoughts of the Divine

 We are all thoughts of the divine.  Thoughts have a sort of body, a substance, and so do we.  But like solid things, we have a difficult time moving.  And I think the divine is ultimately all about movement and the dance.  So we, as thoughts, are sort of separated in a weird way from the divine.

So express gratitude for everything that appears on your path.  That makes you more attuned to the dance and the path.  And it sure does help with stress reduction as well.

And when my daughters and I are not making videos on Tic Tok, I have dreams.

Like I was in a restaurant with How You Doing.  And they turned into a Korean.  With a New Jersey accent.   Sort of pansexual Korean with short hair.  And JC was there any wanted to meet and talk about cats.  But How You Doing went inside and there was a bar.  Surprised it was open during COVID.  There was a $5 cover.

Now I wonder what that Korean aspect is wanting to tell me?

What should I be grateful for?

My Daughter has a Clown Face and I Wasn't Happy About it.

 My daughter MC was in some sort of detention.  Not clear where she was but I remember the sense of climbing out of something onto a large tree on a hill overlooking the panorama below.  I think I may have been in the car below coming to see her.   Of course, in this dream, things were a tad conjoined as I was also to some degree my daughter MC climbing the tree looking down at me driving below.  I don't actually remember driving below, just the idea that "the father" was coming below.

But I never arrived you see.  For then MC was back in what might have been detention and the nurse was the Latvian IrIv.  I remember MC looking at a card that was from her sister and her mother and myself signed with love, but at that point I was only MC and had no recollection of being "the father."  The card said something like "We Love You."  

Then later, while I was in another dream, I was telling the story of this dream.  This time I was me not MC.  I was "the father" or the waking "me."  I remember as I told the story, I was crying.  At some point I saw MC and she had a clown face.  It was eerie and to some extent sort of masculine.  This was bothering me and I think what was causing the crying.  It was interesting that in this other dream, I remember forgetting in my first dream (where I was more aligned as MC) that MC had a clown face.  The realization in my dream that I forgot that she had a masculine clown face in my first dream exacerbated my  distress to the point that I was just crying and could not tell the story of the first dream in the second dream.  I'm not sure how this all ended, but at some point, MC said that she "was out" very emphatically.  I wonder if that had to do with coming out of the closet?  Not sure.

  

Cat Scratch Fever

 I awoke in the middle of the night with cat scratch fever.  So I let my intuition guide me LMAO and I drove home.

I was Yin breathing.  Mazatech style.  Dr. Ray says open to the void, and I went into the darkness in my tanden.  And I opened up to everything.  Everything was the void, and I was breathing into it, like breathing into a vast aquarium that was reality.  And the reality, the aquarium was my breath.  I remembered thinking that this is what Elihu said when he talked about the practice of breathing into everything, or going big.

At some point the scene changed and I was experiencing my heart.  And it was locked.  And it was related to a concession stand and Kelly Walsh high school, at a basketball game in the early 1970s, where the band was playing "Shaft" or "Popcorn" or something like that and one of the high school kids in the band had an enormously swelled encephalitic head.   That was not a dream, at least I don't think so, but then I remembered a dream which was like 33 wine bar, and a restaurant in crowded square that I had never been to.  And the thought that this maze was no different than reality.  And that I had the choice to bring love and joy in, which I did.  And that joy was my intention going into this.  And the thoughts of Amy White suggesting that I dance with the channeled entity with joy.

And then came the little tune, the little nursery rhyme that comes in at the scary part of the journey.  And I immediately created space for it and wanted to hear it speak.  I told it over and over that I loved it.  And I realized that the joy that I could bring to this adventure was always always bigger than the fear.  Which is always true by the way.  Don't forget that douchebag.  

Then I remembered a very old dream I had.  So old that I had remembered it at various parts of my life.  Something about a house, which strange creatures and eating jello that makes you invisible.  

Then there was an experience of the immensity of it all, or sort of, but how we can only experience little fragments or packets of it.  Like little pieces of the divine sephirot.  But what do I know about that shit.  Then came Dr. Rays voice again, but of course it was going on the whole time, which is how I roll with these journeys these days and he was talking about the experience of our heart knows the past, present in future of all of our relationships.  So to know the heart, is to know what we are or what we will become.  And I thought that was kinda nice and wanted to remember it.  For that seemed to me is the highest bit of intuition.  And come to think of it, was kinda like that pre-cognitive stuff I was listening to last night on my drive.

The Deserted Classroom

 I think it was Thanksgiving.  I was in a deserted school.  There was a classroom that had all sorts of old information about me.  Not necessarily social security numbers, but old report cards, records of classes, dates of graduations etc.  The classroom was old and the writing on the wall was starting to fade.

Pete Daly was there, or maybe I was looking for Pete?  Part of me knew he was dead.  But I was still able to contact him.  He was in Texas.  There was a doctor there.  The doctor was telling me the results of his examination of Pete.  Pete had heart and lung blockages or problems.  I interpreted that to mean his chakras were blocked.  There is a lot of that going around, or so I'm told...lol

Sometime later in the middle of the night I became a channel.  This was a different experience than the dream.  It was showing me that the intuition and guidance I was seeking was buried deep in my body.  I could access it through all the debris.  It would be a long painful process and the shedding of many layers.    It might even result in the change of my work.  I wanted the divine guidance.  I felt the presence of something in the room and I wanted to turn and look at it, but the force of it would not let me see it.  It was pure white energy.  

Marigold Rye

 I was at Dbergers vineyard.  D. was talking to someone about his new whiskey which was called Marigold Rye because it had Marigold flower in it.  Doug was asking me if the Marigold had psychedelic properties.  I said it did.  I suppose I should look that up now that I am awake to see if that is correct.  Yep, "tagetes lucida"--used by the Aztecs for all sorts of interesting things.  Hmmm.

I actually lived almost across the street from the vineyard in the dream.  My car was gone.  Or at least all but the shell of it.  I thought that I must have blacked out the day before and left it somewhere.  Or wrecked it.  I wasn't so much concerned that it was gone even though I remembered that it was my new car, but I was more concerned that it was going to be a hassle to track it down and find out what happened to it or where it was.  As I walked into my apartment, I looked at my reflection in the mirror and saw that I had light brown hair and one of those short man pony tails.   I then looked outside and saw a futurist sheriff's car from Scott County, Illinois.  I remember thinking shit, they are coming for me because of something I did with my car.  But they left and it must not have involved me.

Then there was something even more strange.  Something about large animals being swallowed up by much smaller animals.  Almost accidentally.  Strange.

Waking up Ray Douhit(h).

 I was in a room, which resembled a college dorm.  I had a small bed near a door.  Behind the door was a man who never came out.  His name was Ray Douhit, or something like that.  Usually I don't remember names in dreams, so I suppose I should look this one up.  Just did.  Nothing that resonates. 

Anyway, I'm not sure why Ray Douhit never came out of his room.  Like some sort of Dickensian novel, and I'm not sure the door leading to his room actually led to anything.   Maybe he didn't exist.  I didn't like him there.  For some reason I was inclined to speak to him.  In a very raspy voice I called out to him, not Ray but "Raji".  It scared the shit out of him.   There was also a woman involved, but I don't remember that.  

The more I think about this, I wonder if I am the one who is haunting Ray, and not the other way around.  Do I ever come out of my room?  Its an interesting existential question I suppose.

Like the way station in that art bar down by the Mississippi.  Near the caves.  Where they play 70s music all night.  And drink semi-sweet wine.  A self induced purgatory to be sure.  Now who do you suppose I should haunt next? 

.  

More Fun in Automobiles

 I was with some dark haired woman.  I was not sure if I worked with her or it was some sort of encounter.  It was not someone I knew.  It first was casual.  Then for some reason we had to get closer.  I'm not sure who came up with that idea.  I'm not sure who moved forward first.  She ended up wrapping her legs around my hips as we were sitting down.  That was the only posture between us that worked for some reason.  Something was covering my legs, but like a blanket, but underneath I didn't have anything on.  She was shocked by this.  But her hand was exploring my anatomy under the blanket.  Then I realized that we were in the backseat of a car.  The car was moving.  I asked her "who is driving."  Then we realized that no one was driving.  

From the backseat I tried to stop to the car.  But it didn't slow down.  We were on a road going to a town.  Some small town I had been in, something like Danville, or Litchfield

.  We went through a parking lot to some store, but still it didn't slow down.  The car then went through multiple walls.  I kept bracing for impact but there was no collision.  Then I woke up.  

Stuck in the Middle With You and You and You

 We live in so many interwoven dreams, and at night we can access them, our ego releasing its grip, showing us that we live in many different worlds, many different beings, and many different stories and modes of existence don't make any sense to this dream when we return.

And all of those beings are us, in ways that we cannot understand, and I cannot accept, or at least choose not too. But like it or not, that is reality.  And in some way that I cannot accept yet, the truth of it is so much better than what I am comfortable with.  For I live in this meat sack that thinks, or at least think that  I think, that I am separate from everything.  That I was born and that I will die.  What happens after death is the great unknown.

This way of thinking is my familiar life, my familiar world, my familiar family.  And I feel that when I descend it to what I really am, what this is really all about, I feel that my familiar world, familiar life and familiar family are being taken away from me, and I retreat, and I want to stay here and reject what I really am, stuck in the middle with you.

But when I come back from the dream, or the 5-HT2A receptor agonists stop being agonists, I want to return to the awareness of what I am.  This is another manifestation of the indecision that repeats in my medicine adventures or waking space.  Interesting.

As if in a dream, my one and only V

 I was with my old friend from Justice Chip's chambers, or was it the JR den?  Anyway, she was in Jeff Co, and I lost touch.  Last I heard was in D.C. doing Republican things and being a social butterfly.  Woa, turns out MM is now Chief of Staff for the House of Representatives or something.  How cool.

Anyway, I was doing Yin breathing when she appeared.  I was going into the trance even in the dream.  (that's where all the cool stuff really happens, right? lol).  Anyway, we were talking, and I noticed there were two of her.  I was between them.  There was kind of a field that made me a little uncomfortable.  One of the MM's told me that Yin breathing was not my path.  Instead, my medicine path should have something to do with "V".  I don't know what she was talking about, then or now.  Maybe something will open up.  

I felt that because there were two MM's, that she was suffering.  I think there were also two of me.  We might have talked about the fact that everyone is in this duality.  I felt that I was supposed to heal her by bringing her back together, so I took my hands in Gassho, opened them, and started to close them thereby bringing her two halves back together.  This is all part of that funky energy work I'm doing now.  And I must say that after last Saturday, my two halves are not as vibrating on different frequencies, so to speak.  As I kept up the energy work, bringing her back together, I was getting a little dizzy.  But I felt that I had entered MM's actual dream in real time by doing this, and that I was doing good work, so I continued.  I kept pulling her back together, inside her dream, until I woke up.  I wonder if she did as well, D.C. time being and hour later.....

Listen/Patience for the Opening/You Got This/Mazatech Vibrations

Messages as the threshold, meditating in the sunroom:

1.  Yarrow as Dieta

2.  Intuition Guided texts/relationships/activity

3.  Empath Survival Guide

4.  Add Rhythmia Rock to the Collection

5.  Prayer hands to generate energy, when energy comes, move down chakras/middle pillar with each color generated by prayer hands

6.  Fasting

7.  Listening as Zazen/feeling/Patience for the opening

Messages over the threshold:

At Rhythmia there was something I was reluctant to speak.  I thought about how this was related to the speech impediment I had as a kid.  In my vision, I was called to speak, but couldn't.  There is also something about M that I did not want to disclose.  

Fear at the Threshold:  My fear is my ally.  It protects me from the descent into the host of spirits who want to feed on me.  I resisted and keep on resisting.  I felt I need to honor my fear and not descend into the spirit world.  This is the world I should inhabit and chose to inhabit.  The ground is my safety.  This world is my safety.  The ground is what I need to listen to, not the spirit world.  In this world the ground is the protection.  This is why we bury the dead, so they are not eaten by the spirits.

I am not going to Peru until I listen to this more.  This is why I told J. at the last Aya ceremony that "don't let me ever do this again.  This is the suffering of the spirit world.  We are resisting because that is what makes us human.

(interesting that earlier in the week I spoke with Safah about the practice of Chod, feeding your demons.  lol)

Transition:  What the spirits will eat from me, or the demons will eat is the ego.  They will devour the ego and in so doing, the false self that I have created which distances me from the divine.  And creates separateness.  This is what I want to happen, to feel into the barrier of the false self that separates me.  This is what I can speak about.  This is what I want.  This is my fundamental tension in my life.  The indecision that will not let go of the ego.  If you don't want me set me free....lol.  

Which leads to the path of love.  This is what the spirits are telling me.  Feeding the spirits is an act of love.  

But its not a choice.  The choice is not real.  What is forcing me to speak is not real.  Its all noise.  Just listen.  Go deeper into it.  You don't have to make a choice.  That which is making you make a choice is noise. That which is telling you to surrender is noise.  You don't have to do anything but listen.  What is underneath is magnificent and vast.  Just listen. 

Then I was in Mexico.  I was a Mexican woman.  This was not my dream.  She could not decide, she was afraid.  And I gave her strength.  I was the voice in her head that gave her strength, but I was her.  I am with you.  You got this.  We got this.  I am with you.  I am you.  We are all connected and our intentions are picked up by others.  We are interconnected.  We are the totality.  But our lives are the thoughts, the dreams of separateness.  Practice listening.  Practice letting go.  

And the dark energy came into me like the thief in the night.  But I saw the top of it, saw that there was an end and it released and went through my mind.  I was not afraid.  It did not stay.  In this my my "aya" other ceremony is a bad thought  It can be released.  All is connected.  The dark energy must be experienced and listened to.  

And the dream last night, somewhat asked the person who was next to me, who was me, and another voice answered a name that I have never heard of.  And it this way, he was with me in the same way that I was with the Mexican woman.  

Body of Prana

I am completely open to what we discuss but as a starting point I would suggest that I ask you about the body of prana and what you and Felix offer in Peru.

From there we could venture about how you work with prana and the medicine.  How the traditions dialogue with each other and support you and your guests, etc.

Now the good stuff and what attracted me to your work:

1.      The paradigm shift that you describe you underwent (In Jason’s podcast) to a world where there are active spirits manipulating the world and the steps you need to protect yourself.  I am interested in this, especially in contrast to other practices such as “feeding the demon.”  Is being “open” a problem?  How so? 

2.       Purging the spirits in ceremony vs. your own purges with prana.  How you skillfully work with spirits, especially based on what you have learned from the Shipibo. 

3.       “Losing your mind” in ceremony.  I love how you referred to it this way, or “popping off”.  I haven’t heard anyone describe it this way before. 

4.       The above is not just an casual interest for me.  I have lost my mind in ceremony three times.   I am lucky to not have been seriously injured.  In each I have been unsuccessfully restrained by “shaman” or their facilitators as I was trying to get away from what was happening.   I don’t remember all the details of what I was getting away from, but sometimes when I connect with some people I get another view of it.   What I do remember is that  I go to a different ceremony with different participants.   There is a repetition involved, and I don’t want to be there.   That is when I “pop”.   More and more I am realizing that I am still there in this repetition that I am resisting.  My primary spiritual practice is to listen to what entity wants that is running the ceremony.   Who I can sorta trust right?  Lol  But again, at some level, I am resisting and that is the repetition.   What came up when I listened to you is that there is something still with me, and I feel that I need to purgeJ

P.S..  Last night I had the idea that I should do what you did and lay on the ground and ask the mother to help me work with her message.  It was raining outside, I did not hug the ground, but I did hug a tree ( I live in a farmhouse with trees in the yard) and put my heart next to a vine going up the side of the tree.  As I backed away from the tree, I saw a skunk (I have never seen a skunk on the property) start walking towards me.  I backed away and it came right up to the back of the tree where I was at.   So I got that going for me.    Lol

Then I had dreams of people from Temple of the Way of Light come to a home that was apparently my parents home.  I was trying to tell them where they could sleep.  There were not enough places.  More and more people showed up unannounced.   I have never been to the Temple, but talking to you and Jason is certainly what brought this on.

Anyway, I sent you two links to connect to the podcast.  The first is from RINGR. Let’s try that one first.  If the connection spirits are not favorable, let’s try the Zencastr. 

Underwater

I was underwater.  Part of it was welcome, all the pain was being cleansed from my body.  And I welcomed that sensation.  But I knew I was beneath something, and there was a world above me that was full of light and fresh air.  I imagined somebody pulling me up to that air.

I had the fear that the mushrooms were evil.  That they were sucking my soul away.  And leading me from the path of God.  I had the image of me being married to some Woo Woo woman who was the daughter of the darkness or Satan.

Then I remembered the intention not to push away the "evil" that I was hear to alchemize it.  Bring it inside.  That Christianity had created a false dichotomy of separateness and that all was the light of the divine.  And today on my drive in, there is the sensation that I can control this, and that is the human path, to swim in the oceans.  And that as David Dupuis wrote in that article I am interviewing him about, that is the shaman's path.

Also there was a familiar image.  Like a dream I had, a very foreign dream but all where the characters were nothing like humans and the interactions were nothing like humans but it was running underneath everything on some parallel line.  And I'm getting this more and more, vague remembrances of some other non-human way of life, always involving struggle and redemption.

Its nice to be underwater.  Its nice to breath the air. 

 

Three Sisters

 I was at the farmhouse and was upset with three Asian woman who were back behind the garage over by the barn.  I'm not sure what they were up to.  I suppose in dreams, the detail that I was upset was more important than why, perhaps.  Anyway, I chased them away, but knew they would come around in a circle on the other side by my usual ceremony trees where I would trap them.  Which I did.  Then I knew one of them and stopped being upset at them.  The one I knew introduced the other who was her sister.  I was intrigued.  I seemed to know that I would do a podcast with her later that day.

Of course, if you want to take this to the next level, if you google three sisters in relation to Asian religion as I have done, you may find the three sisters of Yoga, Ayurveda, and Tantra.  Of course I recognize the Yoga sister, and have recently been introduced to another one of the sisters.  Can you guess which one?  I wonder if a future podcast is in the works.

Peter Levine has a theory about pendulation in regards to confronting trauma.  Swinging back and forth to confront as much as you can then retreat before you advance again.  Of course, if you are in an Aya ceremony, they don't appreciate if you pendulate too far from the circle before you regroup.  Of course, maybe they should read more Levine.

Finally, another dream about a bobcat with huge eyes.  Almost like a beautiful cat.  But I knew not to get too close with those claws.  Then it attached a pigeon.  And they fought.   The pigeon lifted it up several times and dropped it.   And landed on it.  And a fight ensured.  I wonder who won?  

Golden Teacher Portals/By the Cluster of Three Trees to the East of the Farmhouse

 It is interesting that I remembered what it was like to be in an Aya adventure and how that knowledge was forgotten except in glimpses.  It started with the feeling of unease and anxiety, and when I returned to the farmhouse, I relaxed into it.  Then like like a flash I remember how I was in this place, vast, that I had always gone to before, many many times.  And it seemed so familiar, and how in this place my current life seemed almost ridiculously funny.   For the whole adventure of existence was here, the rest was just a strange sideshow.  An endless cycle that kept repeating.  

And with this insight, I became even more afraid and I stood up.  And I remember the practice to keep going into to it..  And to express love to it, the new place, the sideshow, the totality of it.  And gratitude for my life here and all the people.  And how it was silly not to express gratitude for the ephemeral situation that we find ourselves in.   This manifestation that will be taken away over and over and over again.  And I don't really have any messages except that the fear that comes in is a gatekeeper.  Indeed, there is some quote from Carl Jung that takes it even further and goes something like that god is that force, voice or whatever that thwarts your plans, ideas, and beliefs and invites you into the numinous.  

So take that invite will you, silly.  You silly ding dong you.  And the message that wants to get to you, and the invite is so foreign and alien to me that that is how it presents itself as fear.   

Wow, this somatic descent meditation is hard.  My body aches all over.  And in the ache I feel isolated, cut off from all my cosmic friends so to speak.   But now is the time to just endure.  For as Reggie Ray said, even if we don't feel like we are making progress, in ways we cannot understand, we are.  That is the whole point.

Mazatec vibrations

 Doing somatic meditation practices there is an image of a dandelion dried with delicate seeds ready to disperse in the wind.  But there is no wind no sound and no disturbance.  Just the dandelion against the quiet background of black space and maybe stars.  And our effort is not to disturb it.  

That would be a frequency to go into.  Maybe that was the message of the Mazatec, to  find the vibration and sink into it. Maybe that is the human gift.  So when I lay down on the riverbank at Nipper and feel the earth beneath me and descend into it, I can almost feel the lower vibration of the earth compared to the high vibrations of the bees in the field nearby.

The Mazatech journey is a journey to the underworld.  To that place where all ideas and images go into the cosmic blender to be churned into fodder for the next growth.  The eternal flow.  And the divine does not want our naked worship and admiration like the plants.  They reach up in perfect harmony and worship to the divine without barriers.  But humans have another purpose.  Some sort of alchemical process much like the underworld itself, to take in the hard to digest frequencies and though our own creative/alchemical act transform them into something else.  

And the tension we feel is when our own body is not in harmony with the frequency.  And the low ache and deadness that I feel behind me when I can go into it is almost looking into the dream world of expression.  And the dream world is like the underworld in that it is not about thought, but creative imagery.   That is what my ache wants to express, to tell me its dreams, its crazy stories that are trapped behind the logical mind of the ego.  And when I can go into them, they can open up, just like a meditation practice that starts by focusing on the sensation behind you into when the experience becomes back, front, top, down simultaneously.  

Altercations with Lawyers Posing as Cops

 I was at a reunion with my cousins Craig and Blake in Utah.  What are they, like 70 now?  Anyway, in dreams, time is a fluid thing, so they were young.  Something was amiss at the reunion, and I felt bad.

So Jon Robinson is a cop and he punches and kicks a dog that I am attached to.  I had the impression he kicked the dog for no reason.  I'm very upset, and I want to punch him.  I run up to him fists clenched, but then I back away.  After I back away, he shoots me.  In the head.  I watch the scene from behind him.  The bullet may have actually gone through me and hit another cop behind me, holding me up.  This second cop is very upset with him.

Then I notice that a third cop with a snipers rifle.  He shoots Robinson in the head, and his head explodes.

Then the scene changes and there are many people being possessed.  Something about B. Duerloo eyes.  I see another Jon Robinson, this one is black pointing at one of the B. Duerloos accusing him of being in a dream because he just shot him.

But then I remember it is me who is dreaming.  And I float over everyone at the party and land on a perch.  I'm just watching.  Floating above everyone.  Pretty neat, i'd say.

  

I Am Not Protected From Above/Crazy Developments

 I watched a rolly polly caterpillar crawl on the outside step as you leave the back of the farmhouse.  I envisioned that its vision was one dimensional.  It could only see down.  Its like a baby crawling that can only look down.  It does have a certain advantage such that if there was food directly beneath it, it could surely see it.  That would be its entire world, eating food beneath it.  I imagined that it could not look up, nor would it need to as it is protected from above from its carapace.  It would never see the predator coming, but hopefully the carapace would protect it.

I imagined we are a little like the caterpillar. We only see our day to day jobs, our lives in this dimension.  Psychedelics allow us to crane our heads up just a bit, to see something we had no idea existed.  Imagine our shock when we discovery a vast reality above us.  And we feel our carapace, or at least I have.  Maybe that explains my sense of agoraphobia on these adventures.  How I don't like to be in the open because I feel so vulnerable.  I wonder if there really are any predators our there in this space.

Then I had this dream I was back in the forest in Wisconsin with Bill and Wendy.  I went to the gate on their property which was closed.  It was dark.  I felt I had been locked out.  I remembered my car was still there.  I went up to where I had pitched my tent and saw to my surprise a big apartment building--as if the entire area was being developed.  I went back to the front and saw a row of hotel's going up, including down by the portal on the steam.

Then today at lunch, I made a water offering to the golden teachers down by the trio of trees and in response they gave me the question of what really was human energy?   I mean, all around me I saw what the trees were doing.  Growing in the sunlight.  Reaching up.  Steady firm strong.  Sharing their bark with a myriad of insects.  But what are we really doing?  I am not talking about our mind.  What is our energy doing?    Where are we reaching up, or are we reaching up? Even if we are bonding with other walking upright apes, where is that energy leading us?  

The Counter-spell

 There is an ingrained thought in my head that is acting like a spell that goes something like this: I go into my medicine space, spirit world, whatever you want to call it, and then when I go back into work, drive a car, make a phone call, that world closes like a portal shutting.  My thought is that I live in two different worlds.   That thought is a spell that I cast on myself, have been casting on myself, for some time.  Probably the result of some long term societal condition or spell.  

Anyway, it doesn't have to be that way.  I can leave the portal open.  Of course, there is no portal, its a gateless gate.  I am the creation of spirit space.  I am the creation of the meat space.  There is no distinction between the two other than what I create.

So cast the counter-spell.  Leave the portal open.  Open up to the non-dual thinking.  Its all in you.  Its all in me.  

You Guys Are Just Amateurs

I was back in the dream at Beaver Dam.  The ceremony, if you want to call it that, was over and we started to walk to the lake.  And my energy was high and I felt exposed and vulnerable.  And this is the fear, being out in the open.  The next time I do this, I need to do it in my own room, safe and locked.  Don't ask to me explain this.  This is why I should not do it in a maloka, or in someone else's house, or around a lake.  At least not yet.  What it opens up leaves me feeling completely unprotected and ungrounded.  And I want to run into some safe protected place.

I thought I was filled with fear.  But really it was just unprocessed energy.  Energy that could become processed if I could take it inside, and by some alchemical emotional process transform it.  In short, I had to step through the energetic gateway of what was being presented.  And surrender to it.  And be consumed.

I was presented with the opportunity for ascension of sorts.  I saw it elevated white light high above me.  I would be literally be lifted off the ground here, and go there.  But I didn't want to.    Not here, not know, this was just not the right place.  Not the right time.

And later, I could hear her voice telling me, all this is you.  The voice of my inner and outer life coach of such.  Don't ask me to explain that one.  So if this fear state was me, it allowed me to bring this energy in and somehow process it.  And I walked back up the hill, back up to the sound of the drumming, if you could call it that, and I had what amounted to a ancient spirit reminding me that I am not honoring the medicine.  That this is not how it is supposed to be done.  And that you guys are amateurs.  You are meddling with something you know nothing about.  And I wished for a teacher.  Somebody that could guide me through all this that I could trust.  

And of course, the universe is the teacher.  The divine union of shiva and shakti energy.  But more to the point, it will take you were you need to go and show you what you need to see.  With or without any medicine.  Like this morning.  In my 35 minute meditation.  With drumming before.  It was IBO.  That is what was playing at the restaurant last night.  And I couldn't remember which beat it was.  Until now.   So I played it.  Then I meditated.  And I was in medicine space without my crop or that crop from South America to assist me.

And that may be the key to my journey here.  Grizz Bear is now contacting me to come to Kentucky.  To meet the dude from Peru.  And I know where I will go if I get there and take the medicine.     And to some extent, I know a little of that now.  That I will be curious and stay.  After all I've been there before.  And when I drop back down I will want to go back there again.  So that is the loop I should probably step through.  I mean I can play this game throughout all eternity I suppose.  But the again, I am just an amateur.  

The Daemon

I woke up around 3 am, and then went back to sleep.  I remember the interesting new meditation instruction to consider the focus of the meditation that which presents itself that appears the most expansive and open ended.  If that makes any sense, lol.  Anyway, that night what presented itself was the imagined spherical location of light in the back of my head.  This seemed to drop me pretty quickly into a lucid dream where I was floating in a room on my back with my hands and legs up. This time I could move about the room, but I still felt like I couldn't go anywhere other than the dark room, even though I was trying.  This was somewhat of an improvement from before where I couldn't move or didn't remember that I had the ability to move.  

I realized that I was in the grip of something, and first thought that it was some sort of alien restraining both my hands and feet from above.  Then I looked more closely at the face, and it had two eyes, but no nose or mouth.  Still I wasn't afraid for some reason, but I remember thinking I need to send this entity love.  Which I did.  Then I looked at its eyes and they seemed to react to my intentions by tearing up slightly.  Of course, this was barely noticeable as there could be no expression from a face that had no eyes or a nose.

At some point later, I screamed, which came from nowhere.  I don't remember being afraid before that.  Which woke up my father who was much younger in this dream, who came in the room I was in wearing underwear.  He was talking to me, but I don't remember what he was saying.  It was all non sense.  That's about all I remember for now.

Hmm, the whole idea of the faceless Daemon is sort of interesting.  As if I am being held (restrained) by some aspect of me that cannot speak of what it knows.  But at least I showed it love, maybe someday it will release its grip over me.    The Woo Woo  Carlyle interpretation is also interesting, suggesting that I am being asked to step into my silent power.  But more specifically, and here is my spin, that my insight is not verbal, for really what are words but throwaway approximations of the unspeakable awesomeness of being that permeates everything.

Dropping the Body

So if you really really pay attention, the universe is always sending you messages of direction.  Like at night, I have so many practices to do.  To meditate on a point, to do remote viewing, to breath from the heart, to summon gratitude, the list goes on and on.  Which one to do at the present moment will appear to you if you pay attention. Like a spirit wanting attention.

So I was dreaming, and some sort of insect was on something like a brick fireplace and it was pierced by something else that had a needle.  And the thought occurred to me that this is my opportunity to go into it, so I did. I became the insect, and then my body dropped out.  Or should I say, I became detached from my body.  It was a different sensation of my remote viewing excursions at night.  I felt literally out of my body.  I was then somewhat disconcerted and a little frightened.  I didn't know what to do.  But I relaxed.  I don't remember what happened after that.  I will be ready next time.  

This out of body experience also happened several weeks ago. I could move at that time.  In the darkness.  Interesting, when I feel this OBE, I am in a dark area, kind of like a void.  I need to learn to navigate this space.  That will be my intention.  Anyway, when it happened several weeks ago, I also heard what I though was a demonic voice laughing at me.  Of course, then I remembered that angels and demons are all part of the same cosmic reality.  They also have their message to listen to.  So there.

Embrace Everything, Even That

We all die everyday, lots of times, with each breath exhaled.  I'm not sensing that yet.  I tend to push away thoughts of death, except when I remember.   I can feel death coming on in cycles, not so much daily, but monthly, maybe like cycles of the moon.  But when I feel that end coming, by exploring it and not blowing it off, it opens up into some unexpected perception.  I can almost feel the new neuronal connections being made.

The trick is to embrace it.  Everything.  Its coming up for a reason.  Even the thoughts of stress or pain want to show you something.  I went into something last night and my consciousness literally split into something like a three fold awareness.  There was some sort of Daemon outside of me something closer in, and my body like a ground.  I remember shifting to each of them--I wanted to find out if one of them was some sort of intuitive self, or if the Daemon was else was just a mechanical reactive ego.  I hope they visit me again some time soon. My sense of it was the the self outside of my body was pure action, like fire.  The in-between part was something like earth, and my body, especially my vertebrae was something like water.  But who knows.  I am formally inviting them back tonight with a formal invitation.

But there is the point.  What comes up for you, this new and exciting part, can only be experienced by seeing what's there in the present moment.  In other words, I'm not sure my new found friends are going to accept or even be aware of my invitation.  We shall see.

Speaking of which, I asked the Bagginses the other day what it had in its pockets, and there was a bauble of Edgar Allen Poe.  How preciousness...:-).

Getting Through the Tough Part

I was in Costa Rica.  I had dropped out of American society.

I was in a bathroom.  I had some sort of massager.  My dad was there and I wanted to massage his back somehow.  Maybe his root chakra.  So I did.  Woo woo was there, talking too much as usual.  I wanted to to something with them, but it didn't happen for some reason.

Then there was something about an event called "China Grove" on something like that on Facebook.   Like the old Doobie Brothers song.   I didn't check in to the event but went.  It was in a crowded dark and dirty shack.  There were many native Costa Ricans there crowded in a small room.  And I remember thinking that this was China Grove.  I remember thinking it was an Ayahuasca ceremony, but remember being afraid it was a heroin ceremony because of the sordid feeling of the place.   Then I saw a mason jar and it was filled with Ayahuasca.  I reached down and picked it up and nodded approvingly to the spanish man who was leading the ceremony.  He asked me if I trusted him, and I said "yes" because I did at the time.

And I had the feeling that we both knew this was going to be an incredible difficult experience.  We talked about it.  Somebody came in who was going to sing.  And there was something about a blonde woman that was waiting for me if I could get through this night.  This was the destiny, like something foretold.  I don't remember the ceremony ever beginning.

Something I Have Forgotten Along the Way

I ask to remember what I am.

 I get that I am born here on this little spec of dust in the vast infinitude.  But its almost like a cosmic joke.  I'm forgetting something.   I keep having glimpses of it every now and then.  Some big fucking elephant in the room that I can't see because I'm caught in the spell of this incarnation.  But every now and then a little crack appears and I remember something else.  And it quickly fades.

I have been asleep too long.  I have forgotten too much.

I ask to remember what I am.

When I dream, you can reveal it to me. 

And I resolve not to run away.  Despite the fact that it will turn everything I know on its head.

At least for awhile....LOL

We are All Node People Serving as Vessels of The Divine

Ever notice that anyone who believes in reincarnation always believes in some past life they were a Pharaoh, or Cleopatra, or they were a famous artist or died in some glorious battle.  What if in a past life we were an insect, or a tree?

I remember Stan Grof writing in one of his books that he and his wife (or ex-wife Joan Halifax) had had other relationships in past lives as other people.  They were always important historical figures.  I sometimes have the feeling that people in this life who enter and leave it also crossed paths with me in a past life, or will play a more important role in a future life.  One ex-girlfriend told me this directly.

I wonder how many former Cleopatra's or Kings I have met or know in this incarnation.  The answer may be quite a few.  But before I get there, let me digress first.

Now for the digression.  In Christian mysticism, the exalted state of sorts is to be a vessel of the divine.  See Acts 9:15, 2 Timothy 2:21.

The prayer of Mother Teresa is to be a vessel to receive the lord.

End Digression.

Here is my intuition:  We are all vessels.  Nodes on a unimaginatively vast network.  If our vessel is pure and clean and uncluttered we can receive different aspects of the divine.  We can pray/ask/manifest to receive some aspects.  But we are not discrete entities.  Different manifestations of the divine, be them beings or something beyond our comprehension enter us or leave us all the time, and not just in dreams.  What they are acting out or doing in us is a great mystery.  This is not an excuse for us to abandon our self responsibility.  Indeed, to some degree, we can invite and therefore control the energies which can come into us.

So where does this leave us?  I don't really know.  I only sense that whatever energy was Cleopatra all those years ago, that divine archetype, whatever you want to call him or her may still be kicking around.  You may have met an aspect of them today.  And she may still be smoking hot.  Or playing at being a man today.  You never know.

Choose wisely my friend.  And when I say friend, you are unimaginably more vast that I could ever imagine, so I better treat your ass well, whoever you are.  lol

Fun With Bill and Wendy and The Devil's Yoga

Come to think of it, everything manifested in this life is a form of conjuring.  This building I'm in, the office, getting through law school, the sign that says "Freddy's Steakburgers."  Now I know there are many people doing all sorts of shamanic drugs trying to find their vision and conjuring this and that.  But its all right in front of them.  Or is it?  Is the work on this material plane so to speak, different than the work in the drug induced haze?

And of course there was a shaman addicted to pornography that allegedly was a sexual predator involved with the ayahuasca at Rhythmia while I was there..  And it might be him that is the dispassionate gatekeeper that I see in my drug induced haze.

But enough of that.  I was reprogrammed in Wisconsin over the weekend.  And I do feel connected to all this landscape around me.  And not separate.

Now for the dreams:

I was with a group of men that were armed and shooting at each other in some sort of deadly game. I did not have a gun because I represented pure Yage somehow.  Of course, the sexual predator I referred to above was associated with serving Yage as well.  He was also involved in this dream, I was at his house.  But I don't remember in the dream what happened there.  

But the shooting was real.  And even though I was pure Yage, I do not know if that protected me or not.  The group kept getting smaller.  We were running in and out of forests.  They were after something, it might have been me, it might have been something else.  I don't remember. This dream was definitely in relation to the Devil's Yoga book. 

Then I was playing on a baseball team.  As a player and as a coach.  There was a racial disturbance.  I was white, then I was the older black manager.  I remember something to do with the younger black players upset about vanilla ice cream, and something about black ice cream.  And me as the older black manager turning to the white manager who was also me saying, "this is not something that I can relate to."  I was the white manager talking to a white slugger who was also kind of dwarfish.  I am not exactly sure what was going to happen, but he was gong to help a child who was ill.

What Am I Not Seeing?

My dry eye syndrome became more acute as it was pointed out to me.  "What is that in your eye," said DLG.  And of course there are no accidents.  What am I not seeing?  My complaints of not having a spirit animal as the black ants are crawling over me?  So I listen to the pain, and feel that it starts in my heart.  I feel comfort of the feeling of taking care of myself.  I am getting spread too thin, and imagine the need to make a change in my life.  But I don't have to do anything, not yet anyway.

There are no accidents.  I was at Beaver Dam.  And am course, that is near where I used to live, so maybe that is connected with what I am not seeing.  I was in my old house in Forest Hills Subdivision that I inhabited in Junior High.  Only I was vividly there and vividly at bed in the Farmhouse in some weird timelessness awareness.  And I was going through the house, remembering my bedroom and the TV room and my sisters room, the family room, the porch where the priest came to visit that one time my Grandmother was there.  The one where I had to ring the bell to start the mass as an altar boy.

And I was in the backyard and the front yard, but these were memories I had of past dreams of this place which were also interconnected with my awareness.  A dream within a dream so to speak.

I remember finding Monte Python in the TV room.  The sloping backyard on the way to the train tracks.  The open mine shaft along the tracks.  The BB gun.  Listening to Boston on the way up the hill near the house with older dudes in high school.  My dad having headaches.  Peanut Buster Parfaits.  Old WW2 movies during a day I was sick from school.  Too many study halls, reading about WW2 historical figures and writing that an authoritarian government would not permit the bozos in my class from doing something.  Yes, I do have a bit of that personality.  Because I moved to this place, and took awhile to fit in.  Being a star athlete to a no body.

But then the state became more vivid.  I was channeling some sort of fire.  I was being propelled to an unknown land.  I was the change.  And of course, I remember what was in the one ice cube I had with dinner four hours before.  So this does not come as a surprise.

Don't Screw with the Major Arcana

I was at a church.   Likely a Catholic Church.   I don't remember what happened prior to this, but I felt I had some sort of powers and wanted to defile the Church.

I was naked.  I don't know how or why, and I was flying around the length of the Church, and up to the altar where a Priest was at.  I'm sure he saw me.  I felt that I was exerted my power in some way and resisting.  I think the priest was shocked, but i'm not sure.

Then I was at a different place and doing something that was somewhat dark.  Taking advantage of people? Not quite sure.  Then I remember that Hermes appeared and I immediately backed away because I remember thinking that "you can't fuck with the major arcana."  Of course, not sure that Hermes is any Tarot deck.  Still I knew that he was some sort of God, and would be impervious to whatever I was up to.  Then the tide turned against me.

I was in the Air Force.  And it was not good.  I remember the woman who is an accountant in the Notre Dame Club.  She was doing well in the Air Force, because they celebrated blandness.  Something like the memory of ROTC.  I'm not sure exactly what the dynamic was, but it was not good for me.  I'm not sure what happened after that.

What's it Like on the Other Side?

I was in Reading, PA, on a deposition with a group of attorneys and John M and Pete D.  Of course, I knew that John M and Pete D were both dead, so I asked John what it was like on the other side.  (Note to self, this could be a reminder when it happens again that I am dreaming.  When I fly in a dream or see John M, that could be my intentional trigger to remember I am dreaming and to go lucid).  I remember John responding by making a gesture upward and saying something that lead me to believe it was like DMT where I was floating up, then pushing out of the ground into an infinite light.  So I remember thinking that I had that to look forward to.

And then, when I was later meditating this morning, looking out the back porch into the fence which abuts the cornfield, I remember experiencing that thoughts were like lower vibrational forces that keep one down and that the natural spiritual dimension is one and expansive, and thoughts were constrictive and that is the duality that we live in and perhaps why the divine would want to be embodied, or why the divine would experience materiality in that manner and how the divine would be given a choice to simply enter the divine or return to this realm of thoughts and matter.

Back to the dream in Pennsylvania.  I remember we were on some sort of job interview to be the human relations director for some company.  The salary was like $350K a year.  There was sort of an obstacle course to get to the interview, or maybe that was part of the interview.   We had to go through tunnels.  John was really good at that.  And John and Pete were both good at the accounting questions they were asking.  I didn't understand the accounting question the interviewer asked and asked him to repeat the question and he refused.   He would not.   So I was struggling to combine the numbers in a way that they would add up.

Then I was at some sort of a law school with attorneys and students walking around who were like 2L's.  It was very crowded.  Lots of people in a place I had never been.  I remember thinking that I should tell Elaine about the job interview because she lives out there or was from Reading or something.

Then there was another dream where somebody found a peyote bud outside.  I don't remember this dream at all except it was much more surrealistic.  I think somebody was trying to shoot me and I couldn't get away.  It was a woman.  I think she did shoot me and I died.  But I kept on going maybe in some library or something.

You Need a Manicle to Face the Truth

So I was meditating this morning like I have done every morning for the past 92 days.  But who is counting.   Thats even more than counting the Omer.   So I remember Matt S. talking about Great Spirit (hereinafter "GS") telling him that Sunstar was burned because he was not acting in accord with the dictates of GS.  I'm not so sure about the burning thing, but I decided to ask GS for connection during the meditation.

And more images came.  I remember that night in Florida where I was running away from demons on Aya.  And I image GS showing me that this is exactly what my human experience is every day.  And there are forces of the shadow all around me.  And those forces are really part of me that if I remember to go into them, will be a gateway to evolution.  This much I know.  And I remember running from one such shadow in St. Louis, Shane, who was facilitating an Aya ceremony there.  Now I don't know much about Shane, but remember he was involved in the tech industry.   Well, he was because several weeks ago I get a group email from him advertising his services as an "executive" coach.  LOL.  This always causes me to laugh.  Only the CEOs need coaching.  Its not like they haven't already accomplished something?  What about all the fucking unprivileged people around the world you motherfucking executive coaches!  Don't you give a rats ass about them?  Or wait, they can't pay you, so ....

Anyway, GS was showing me that the forces of shadow are all around me.  Even when I'm not taking Aya.  And they are distracting me from GS.  All the bullshit.  Sit quiet and just pay attention to the trees, they have some serious knowing.  Merge with them muthafuckers!

And of course, I still have that other ceremony that I go to during AYA.  The real existential human experience.  What its like to be a human body in this dimension.  The really BIG question.  Are you ready to face that dude?  Without running away.  So I tell Teresa, the poor little shadow demon that I ran from in Florida, maybe i should do AYA again with my foot manicled to a post so I don't run away again and engage in more mischief.   See GS wanted me to connect with her and in the process of connecting, start to integrate a piece of this whole thing.   GS wants me to connect with other people, and trees, and plants, and just about everything, even myself.

I Am Looking for You

I was in the farmhouse, the real farmhouse, more or less.  With I believe my sister and mother and more people.  There was something about wanting to hide from people coming in.  But not everyone.  Later, there was an native american couple outside the house.  They were familiar and I had met them before (in the dream, not in real life, though they did bear some resemblance to Jacquelyn's parents on the Unstoppable Kimmy Schmidt show..lol).  Anyway, I knew they could be trusted, and either my mother or sister went outside and was giving them a blanket to keep them warm.  The couple was happy.  I wanted them to come inside.  But then there were more people dressed like native american's only they had rotten teeth like zombies.  They also wanted to come inside.  I asked them what they wanted and one of the females with rotten teeth said "I am coming for you", which I took to mean she wanted me.  And I was having none of that so I scared them away somehow.

There was more to this.  I may remember later like someone who looked like Mason and a very decorated young vibrant military officer.  Like a General way before his time.  And his wife, who looked very old by comparison to him.  But then there were old pictures of them together and she looked his age and very attractive.  Now she looked like his mother.

When I woke up and was in the shower, after I meditated, thought about how the endless waves of life are exactly like an aya ceremony.  That is what consciousness is, waves.  Endless ebbing and flowing.  That is what we are.  That is our life throughout eternity.  And I wanted to see it again, this time manacled to the ground so that I would not get into any mischief.  And I thought I should contact Theresa to make this happen or something.

Cactus Surveillance

I was with Matt S. in a room with a TV going on.  I was talking to Matt about San Pedro Cactus.  He was talking, then we noticed that the man on the TV screen was apparently listening in to our conversation.  I didn't think it was possible, but then either Matt or I moved one of  our feet up to the our face and the man in the TV screen told us what had happened.  We knew we were being watched.

I was then on a bill outside.  It was night.  There were many people sleeping on the bill.  I remember I was with someone who was associated with a former girlfriend S.  I remember something that I felt that S. and her boyfriend were on the hill somewhere.

Then I was on a different hill.  There was another women with artwork or merchandise.  I can't remember what was happening with that.

Back to the Spirit Guides in the Happy Place Forest Refuge

Several nights ago, I asked to connect with the spirit of the land, and was pulled/directed to the culvert near the north west corner of the property that goes under the road.  It was hot outside, but my presence was reduced enough to blend into the grass and go into the comforting cool darkness of the culvert.

Of course, that doesn't work every night.  It seems it is important to have many different nocturnal practices, so to speak...lol  Maybe I should just go out on the back step and feel which way or direction my presence was drawn.

Last night, I was pulled back to the forest that I met my spirit guide during that hypnosis session.  Of course, this is not surprising, because it is my happy place to begin with.  So I remote viewed there.  It was near 5 am and getting light, but that didn't matter, especially when I turned right onto Koke Mill from Washington and started to go up the hill.  I went past the playground and the utility house, then took my feet and cooled off in the mud outside the entrance to the forest.  I was told to make an offering, I thought of silver, maybe to bury it there, or to sell it and give it away.  To be continued.

I didn't meet the orange spirit, but was just told to listen.   It is the sound of the vibrations of my energy, and also the sound of the energy of the forest.  The insight is to diminish you own barrier to allow connection to vibrations of the place, not separate but joined.  

I went to sleep soon after that.  I had many dreams.  I was doing Reiki on a cat that was in the down dog position with its eyes closed.  There were people there watching, and saw this as proof of my powers.  There was more.  Before then, I was in a house with hippee people.  Probably inspired from hanging out with Bill and Wendy from the night before.  And maybe Wendy was there.  not sure.

The Dream that Dragged On All Night

It felt like I was upstairs in the Farmhouse, but I was just sleeping on the kitchen counter.  Pain all around.  Then there were walls of Mushroom clouds in the distance.  And I could hear Chinese language.

Then outside near the tree line on the east side my father's father was outside smiling.  He was putting on women's hats and clothing.  There was a woman inside.  I did not know her, she was not familiar, but I was kissing her very gently on the upper lip.

Then I was with my mother in a bar.  The Spanish bartender knew about cognac?  Or was in a french bartender who knew about Spanish wine?  I was on the road, going from town to town in central Illinois, but it was different.  I remember in Bloomington, Rebecca Hayden was playing as a warm up band for a larger band that was playing at an outside festival.  The band was really cool and people were doing ecstatic dancing and yoga while listening, but there were not many people because of the social distancing.  

There was much more.  But I can't read my writing.  Something about bouncing balls that made you laugh and made you cry.  A party in some house for Rotary people.  My office at Its all About Wine, and Gary Borah was there with Washington University Graduates.  Something about the Tree of Life. 

Not Really Part of this World

I was in a Trader Joe's crawling around on all fours looking at stuff and getting all sorts of cool food.  I was with friends who I don't have in this life.  Then in a van traveling though Chicago neighborhood side streets going very very fast.  Then the brakes slammed.

My body is stuck in loop. That is my perception.  Caught in the vibrations of this space in a circular motion.  Its why I can't really relax and be in this world.  The loop keeps me vibrating.  M asked if it was her.  That I go back and forth in a circular motion with her between period of attraction and repulsion, like the alternating poles of a magnet.  I remember my old psychic friend from St. Louis.  She held a congregation of the elders and they asked her to ask me what I really want.  So I breath into my root chakra.   That is the point of my meditation and the deepening of my dream.

In a psychedelic cafe in St. Louis.  It was small, not many people there.  Nobody was wearing masks.  There was a family sitting next to us.  One of them was proud to study and U of I.  Psychedelic trance music of the 60s being played.  Took a long time to get the food.  I had to pay in a weird way.  It was in a suburb of St. Louis.  There was a Mariott next door.  I was talking to a women in the payment line who worked there.

The Eternal Present

At the sesshin done remotely, and the rubber hits the road.  The shadow manifests as tightness throughout the body and the spirit that I am concentrating too much and could not shut it off.  And the practice of making peace with that new voice.

And of course I don't follow instructions, so on Day 3 I decide to use the assistance of plant (not really a plant) medicine.  And I experience the eternal now.  The endless arising and passing away of what we are.

The realization that maybe there is a spirit of the Prairie Zen house wanting to speak.  So via remote viewing, I travel to Champaign after stopping briefly in Illioplis, left on Univeristy Street, right on Prospect Ave near the Express Lube business.  And I get to center.  I enter the back door.  And I remember everything about the house, except how to get to the first floor instead of going to the basement from the back of the building.

And I speak to a spirit with the understanding that it just wants its story told.  His name was George Henry.   Something happened either in 1948 or 1848. 

I will have to go back and revisit this spirit.

Entering the Loop

At the scariest part of the Aya vision, there is a loop I don't want to be in.  Too bad I'm already there, always.  And the energy of the loop, be it internal or external separates me from this earth.  Or at least makes me vibrate differently than this waking world.  Interestingly, when I'm in the dream world, I feel more attuned and not out of phase.  Put a bookmark in that.

M. tells me that my relationship to her is a loop, and I journey from wanting to leave to wanting to stay in a circular motion.

It has been my new intention to go into the loop, either from my dream work, or my foray's into hypnosis with Rebecca Hayden.  And now, with all the meditation I have been doing.

Recently, I had a breakthrough listening Patrick MacManaway.  For awhile until M. called I felt very attuned to the trees, the grass, the wind of the farmhouse.

Sometime last night I was breathing through my root chakra.  I felt that it was important to ground myself to attune my vibrations between myself and the trees and landscape outside.  I became convinced that it was important that I connect with God, in tune with the vibrations of my higher good.  Yes, I was going there.   And at the back of my mind, I wondered if this awareness would survive the "daytime" consciousness.  I had been in this before.  Which consciousness to trust?  The 2 am or the 2 pm?   And also how I lose this dream, this connection and go to relationships that are not attuned to me.

 Or, to put it another way, I am intrigued by Jacqueline's character in Kimmy Schmidt, and how in the last episode they were all are experiencing various manifestations of love which they characterize as being in a state of holding other people's needs beyond their own.  It is interesting in her concocted story, coming from a Lakota background to a gold-digger in NYC to find love with a guy who physically repulses her.

Dialog with Nature Spirits

Late at night I was filled with a dark heavy energy.  I remembered my feeling earlier in the day listening to Patrick MacManaway regarding an intention to form a dialogue with environmental spirits.  I sought to communicate with the feelings and see where it would take me.  I was in a dream in my Decatur case, something about an expert witness used to work for the feds.  Then I was in the Amazon and there was a large boring device that was ripping apart the swampland to create a new drainage tributary for the Amazon. I could feel the pain of nature being ripped apart and the unnaturalness of the new river.

Then I was with C. Hatfield my old friend in law school who is now very politically active in Missouri.  He was bragging to the point that I was uncomfortable.  Two prisoners were playing a game.  They were playing very skillfully but one of them (at least according to Chuck) won the game because he was intimidating the other and that this was sort of some left hand magic practice.

Then one of the prisoners told me he had cancer and everybody in his town had cancer from some environmental pollution.  He told me he wrote a book about the rebellion in Arkansas.    He and a group were on a boat and helicopters came to attack them and they shot rounds and rounds of bullets to destroy the helicopters attacking them.  They were still going to lose in the long run.  I wanted to dialog with him like Patrick was doing.  

Before then I was in a group and T. Pepper from high school kept kitting me on the arm.  He said it wasn't me.  It was really confusing what was happening then.

The Empty Cup

Late at night I went back to sleep after the LBR.

I felt called to a practice of clearing out space to attract a benevolent spirit.  Like being possessed by an Orisha or something of the kind.  In my hynagogic state, I wasn't thinking like this, but sensed that this was my primary spiritual practice and what I do all the time, without being sensitive to it. 

In this relaxed open state, I felt the energy of spirit come in, and it was vibrating.  I remembered what I read about the energy manifesting as opposing energy potentials, sun and moon

, wind and water, and felt this viscerally. 

I felt my consciousness focus deep in the back of my brain, and behind my throat, the seat of dreams.

When the dreams came, I was in a hotel room.  Not the one I started in, but the one next door.  I had become separated.  There was a women there, but I knew she was possessed by something and intended to kill me.  But she couldn't I was too strong and psychically prevented her from the attack she planned.

Then I was at a Church I had never been to.  In the back, like in a kitchen area, but there were pews.  I was with the children and we were celebrating.  There was food.  I was happy.