Here we go again my friend. After four times, I begin to feel somewhat of the rhythm of the experience. Costa Rica, Florida, St. Louis, and now Wisconsin. And now on Mushrooms not Ayahuasca. All going to and pointing to the same place. Our infinite nature.
Its been several weeks since this night, but this morning during mediation some salient memories emerged: The onset of the trip was sudden and unexpected. I did not think I had taken that much. As I was walking back to the tent I looked at Wendy and Bill down by the campfire area and a part of Wendy slowed down and looked at me and knowingly indicated the inevitability of the experience. Something I was being called to or an inevitability that was coming for me. Curious, when I think of it now far removed, I wonder if it was death that she was pointing to. But that doesn't quite seem right. It was something else. Something that has happened before over and over. Perhaps something that I have resisted over and over. And something young. Something that I experienced a long time ago.
As I think back on this now, the part of Wendy that was communicating with me was a spiritual manifestation or her that went beyond her as well. Something eternal and throughout time that we were experiencing. And had experienced before at a level we have forgotten. Like this was the whole point of our life up to now, to experience this:" I remember when I looked from the tent and you two were down by the kitchen cleaning up I saw Wendy look at me and it was if some part of her eternal nature smiled and communicated to me the infinite nature of our reality, that we are eternal beings and the inevitability of eternity. Bill was behind her and smiled and kept on working. This was the part I resisted because of my reluctance to face what we are and our eternal journey. Its too vast and scary. I seem to want to go back to the "comfort" of this reality, but that just repeats the cycle, that is the cycle, not facing what we are:-) So there is a divine part of you two that were pointing me in the right direction, which I resisted:-)
And there was also an insight at the time that I was in a different dimension. And I had the experience that this dimension was the spiritual dimension of the archetypes and spirits. And I experienced them first had. Like I said before, Whitman's land of budding Bibles. And the voice said, why are you surprised about this. This weirdness is what has been written before throughout history.
And I went back to the tent, I went inside the tent and part of me wanted to stay Part of me knew that I had taken mushrooms. And I laid down on the sleeping bag. And part of me wanted to stay. But there was a voice about surrender and giving it. It was tied to Christianity. And that was the message that I must resist. Surrender was weakness and I would never get out of the this. And something was pursuing me. And I had to get away this time. Because if I stayed I would disintegrate, literally and figuratively. And I had to keep running or dissolve.
So I got in the car and drove to get a cell signal. I had to call M. And I felt that I had got further than I had in the past. I had water and a car this time. This time I could make it.
And when I talked to M and others, I asked them:
1. Can I trust you.
2. What should I do?
When M and the others could not answer the first question, I took that as a sign that they could not be trusted. Because the forces against me could not lie. So they avoided the question or did not answer it, it was an indication that they could not be trusted. M did not answer the question. So I moved on. I believe that this discussion took place at the small cemetery in Wauzeka, Wisconsin. M also asked for my location which I took as another sign that she was aligned against me and part of the forces trying to hunt me down.
Another force propelling me along this journey was the sensation that I was in a game or some sort of simulation. I was representing people that were counting on me to succeed and get through this, whatever this was. These people could not communicate with me directly. Only through symbols.
And I had clues that I believed confirmed I was on the right path. For one, the gas tank didn't move. It stayed on full now matter how far I drove. And I drove all the way to Iowa to a small town south of Dubuque. And stayed in a hotel. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I also kept turning the air condition down and up, as if the temperature had something I either had to endure or comfort myself with. I did not know if I should drink the water or not. Just like in Costa Rica. And the nausea I felt was a symbol that my body was disintegrating and that I had only a limited amount of time.
What eventually broke me out of this place was the continued thoughts about where I was going to. I was not really driving to Springfield, because I felt that nothing would change there. I had no direction. I was just aimlessly running. Eventually I stopped.
Even now I'm not fully in this world. If at all. And the unease in some way is a running from something, just like when I'm in mushroom space. I'm always driven to do something. And therein lies the practice. To be still and with myself. To allow what is pursuing me to catch up with me. And to feed that demon perhaps?
