This is probably from some of the resonances from the meditation and the listening to the Paul Selig channeled books, but its almost as if the mediation practice, and indeed the life practice is one of constant offering of ourselves to the universe. Its not ours to begin with. And offering our life in mediation seems to raise the vibration, like a plant or flower spreading her leaves. Its maybe how we spread our wings for flight.
So I have the new Aya from Spain of all places. And low doses to start. Little by little bit by bit becoming more comfortable in the space. And to start it was wonderful. Like being cared for and supported in a wonderful energetic way. Caressed. And all was good. Then I felt is connection waning, and its effects wearing off. And with it was a message that it had to balance out the energies. This was the balance that the medicine had to keep. The contraction. And all through this I had been supported by the kind voice of Rachel Hilary's guided meditations on Insight Timer, gently telling me to go into my heart and it was safe to go into the body. Then I felt blood and death, not strongly, still off in the distance. And I felt Rachel's guided meditation had synchronisticly buttressed me for this.
Then I was back at the way station. And I remembered. And the first impulse is to run. And I went outside. And I felt grounded at the farmhouse. I was here. There was no place to go. I felt grounded to this earth.
The fear was that it was happening again. The endless cycle that I had stumbled into inevitably with the medicine. But this time was different. I did not want M to come. I wanted to face this. I saw what I had written. I knew that this was a trip and would end. I went to the front room and did prostrations. I began meditating in my square altar. If this was the end, I would face it this way. I had faith that this was the proper response to the situation.
Though I did not feel it at the time, but I do feel it as I type this now, the way station is a wonderful gift. If we live in a universe of eternal rebirth, or anything mysterious or funky like that, being able to participate in the way station in what is ostensibly this life is a precious gift, even if energetically I could not get there at the time.
And still there is the nagging doubt. Even in this space while I'm at work the next day, but much stronger when I'm in the energetic space of the way station. The fear that I'm missing something and that the aperture is closing. And that's what spurs on the indecision. It is the fuel that causes me not to trust what's going on and to keep looking. For the aya journey is not different than the journey here at work. The underlying processes are the same. Perhaps my fear that I am losing my memory and that there is something to transcend, something to find in this world, to not overlook, is real. At one level, my powers and memory may be fading, or will fade soon. What is there to be done here? I have this going on even here at work. It this world, it would be called psychotic or schizophenic, or whatever the DSM-V would characterize it as. But at another level, I am not so sure. Maybe this is the most important thing I should honor. Maybe this whole thing is what I should offer up to the divine.
So I wanted to go into this voice. This voice telling me to remember. To not get sucked into this world. And I did the mediation where I climb the cell and go up to the other meditation room And I bow to the natraj. And I take the key out of the sea shell at the other end of the hall, and I open the door to another table. And the part of me sitting on the other table, the part of me pushing me on this journey, this back and forth, is the gay guy that used to work at it's all about wine. He is my part that will not stop looking for something in this world. And I want to find a way to honor, connect and learn from him. Even though his vibration does not fit in this world. Still there is something to work with here. And to see what he is trying to show me.
