What Am I Not Seeing?

My dry eye syndrome became more acute as it was pointed out to me.  "What is that in your eye," said DLG.  And of course there are no accidents.  What am I not seeing?  My complaints of not having a spirit animal as the black ants are crawling over me?  So I listen to the pain, and feel that it starts in my heart.  I feel comfort of the feeling of taking care of myself.  I am getting spread too thin, and imagine the need to make a change in my life.  But I don't have to do anything, not yet anyway.

There are no accidents.  I was at Beaver Dam.  And am course, that is near where I used to live, so maybe that is connected with what I am not seeing.  I was in my old house in Forest Hills Subdivision that I inhabited in Junior High.  Only I was vividly there and vividly at bed in the Farmhouse in some weird timelessness awareness.  And I was going through the house, remembering my bedroom and the TV room and my sisters room, the family room, the porch where the priest came to visit that one time my Grandmother was there.  The one where I had to ring the bell to start the mass as an altar boy.

And I was in the backyard and the front yard, but these were memories I had of past dreams of this place which were also interconnected with my awareness.  A dream within a dream so to speak.

I remember finding Monte Python in the TV room.  The sloping backyard on the way to the train tracks.  The open mine shaft along the tracks.  The BB gun.  Listening to Boston on the way up the hill near the house with older dudes in high school.  My dad having headaches.  Peanut Buster Parfaits.  Old WW2 movies during a day I was sick from school.  Too many study halls, reading about WW2 historical figures and writing that an authoritarian government would not permit the bozos in my class from doing something.  Yes, I do have a bit of that personality.  Because I moved to this place, and took awhile to fit in.  Being a star athlete to a no body.

But then the state became more vivid.  I was channeling some sort of fire.  I was being propelled to an unknown land.  I was the change.  And of course, I remember what was in the one ice cube I had with dinner four hours before.  So this does not come as a surprise.