The Orange Theory Theory. Well, its not really a theory, and I suppose that is one of the points.

 Ok, so I'm in Orange Theory, and for once this is not a dream.  But at lunchtime today.  And no I wasn't taking a nap.  And Richard is giving me shit, he's always giving me shit.   But this time is was not necessarily directed at me.  It was at the class in general.  And he says: "don't move like you have no purpose."

And I retort:  "But that's how I live my live--that's the story of my life."  Then he looks at me thoughtfully, and then it fades to that look where he doesn't know what to say.  So he says:  "good to know." 

And this is an important point.  I have this belief, that if I could form the correct intention to this life, something magical would happen.  Its almost like I've been put here to remember something, or experience something.   And in the meantime, I'm kind of going through the motions like I don't have a purpose.  Or a porpoise.  Now that would be a great spirit animal.  In other words,  what is it that i'm really wanting to achieve with all this "spiritual" stuff that I do.  I know I want to achieve transcendence I suppose.  To connect with that state that I've been to before.  But it seems like there is something more beyond that.  And its not a word or an idea or a concept.  It is an experience of an energy, where you open up into something new, like a plant pushing up from the underground for the first time into the sunlight.  An experience beyond any prior imagination.  Of course, in some ways, the imagination or vision is central to it.  But its still something different.  Am I making sense?  lol

More to the point, when I have those bad trips, and I go to that place its a very common these that I am trying to find transcendence or I feel like I must get beyond this world, and that this is the chance.  That I must go to the light.  And that the people around me are holding me back.  And of course, at some level, people generally want something from you.  So its not surprising that I would pick up on something like that in that situation.  And maybe there is something to that.  That I should reduce the effect that this sort of energy has in my life.  And to not get drawn into other people's drama.  I know I have never drawn the Hermit card in my archetype draw, but maybe I should.  

I mean, i'm already on that road.  Sleeping alone. Talking to trees.   Reading books to trees. Making offerings to the house and the nearby enchanted glen.   I'm just waiting to see the fairies that keep moving my hexagrams near the "spring" in the enchanted glen....lol

And as far as that other place that I go to on the bad trip.  That place where I am stuck between two places and that I don't want to be there, maybe that also is related to this.  That I am stuck between this world and the next.   Still, I'm always trying to get back to my old life when I reach this point.  And upset that I have used psychedelics again.  So I'm not sure how that all fits in.  That is the confusion, literally and physically.

But I feel I am not going to engage with this energy directly.  I have to do it obliquely.  Like Perseus and the Medusa.  I must not gaze at the gorgon directly.  But use a mirror to throw my spear into the beast.  Does anyone have a mirror I can use?