Intentions are Like Assholes

So I guess I revisited the whole issue of intentions this morning.  Sure, its sort of encouraged before you to psychedelics to articulate why you are doing them.  Makes sense at a certain level.  I mean if you have a specific problem you are addressing (e.g. addiction, chronic disease, PTSD, and the ilk), the idea of why you are going to do this sort of is an easy question to answer.  

I've always resisted the idea.  Maybe because I don't really have an intention.  I have plenty of ideas about why I'm doing it, but they are experiential.    Like the fact  I've always been into meditation since I was a kid and books about meditation or mystical experiences started falling off the library bookshelves when I walked by, and from then, its sort of a natural progression to psychedelics.  Makes sense, but doesn't really answer the question.  And I'm not really much of an explorer.  I'm more of a chicken.  So exploration and curiosity are also not part of my intention/motivation for doing it.  In short, I'm not really sure why.  I sort have have always been drawn to them, in a chickenish sort of way.

Then there is the idea that whatever bullshit intention I could come up with before I took ayahuasca would be immediately circumvented by the actual experience and whatever meager intention I came up with would go out the window as soon as I'm on the journey.  This is because the universe and what is going on is vastly more interesting than any idea I have about what is really going on.  So my intentions have always been a little open ended I suppose to allow for the universe to show me something rather than having a preconception about what the psychedelic experience is like.   The intention I initially used is for psychedelics "to show me what I need to see."  I guess I sorta still go with that.  

However today, I had the follow up insight that when I'm taking psychedelics, I have the reoccurring experience that I am always doing it, always repeating the cycle and in some ways wishing that I didn't.   

More to the point, why am I meditating?.  Why do I do these little funny rituals I do around the farm house.  What is going on?  Am I obsessed ? I mean every now any then I get some breakthroughs, but still, there is  the desire now to cut through the bullshit and just get down to it.  That is the deeper koan.  What is going on.  It feels like I'm doing this in all aspects of my life in some ways.  Am I avoiding something by this little dance. 

The real intention i feel sometimes is to connect.  With what I'm not sure.  I'm not sure how.  But to not be separate.  That is all....lol