Operational Manual for Seducing Earthlings: Part XII (Text Messaging)
"To fully comprehend this situation, you have to understand what you’re up against. Earthlings nowadays give out their phone numbers away like candy. There are multiple reasons for this. For one, it’s the path of least resistance. Think about it: the quickest way to get a guy or a women off your case is to give him or her your number, comfortably extricate yourself from the situation, and then just ignore them. Earthlings avoid confrontation and awkwardness at all costs. But that only explains a situation where they don’t like the entity. What about when he or she showed clear signs of attraction? This is where you must take advantage of the situation."
"Twenty first century Earth is filled with endless distractions. The deadly combination of Facebook, ever-shrinking attention-spans, and the inherent nature of Earthlings conspire to create a situation where you will not be able to achieve your objectives. What’s more, Earthlings are forgetful. She could have fantasized about being impregnated by you the night she met you, but within an hour she forgot about that because she got a text from some other guy. This is a double-edged sword that can work to your advantage as much as it can hurt you, as we shall see."
"So what do you do when an Earthling doesn’t reply to your text?Well first, let’s cover what you shouldn’t do. First off, resist the temptation of chasing down your text with a follow-up because you think, “they obviously didn’t get it.” They got it. The Earthling is glued to their phone 24/7, and they are reading and replying to texts constantly. The odds that the ether swallowed up your text before it got to their iPhone 5 is infinitesimal. Get that out of your head. Secondly, don’t go to the other extreme and do what a lot of experienced Constantins mistakenly do: immediately delete their number and write them off. Remember: effectively texting Earthlings requires a Provencia-like patience that is counter-intuitive to our hunting nature. Just chill."
"A certain percentage of the time just forgetting about your text is enough. Earthlings can reply, literally, days later. But a lot of the time that doesn’t happen. That’s where the re-start text comes in. The restart text is basically simple text volley that aims at resurrecting a conversation that’s gone cold. It can work at any stage in your interaction with an Earthling: when all you have is the phone number; when you’ve gone out once but did not achieve impregnation, etc. The important precursor is that you fully allow the conversation to actually go cold. It is recommended that a restart text is not sent sooner than 10 days after the last communication. The goal of the restart text is to re-spark the intrigue the Earthling presumably felt for you at some point. That’s all. This is where the Earthling's forgetfulness works to your advantage. By the time you come around a second time, the Earthling has likely forgotten about some stupid thing you said that made them stop contacting you in the first place. Often it’s just as simple as catching an Earthling when they are more amenable to impregnation.
-- The Two Different Types of Restart Texts
The restart text is an art that you have to customize to your own style and to each situation, but these are some basic techniques to get you started. Create your own text following these approaches:
1. The Mistaken Identity. This is probably the oldest, and most transparent, approach. Earthlings, especially the smarter ones, can sometimes see right through this one—even though that doesn’t mean it won’t work. After all, it’s all about cognitive dissonance. The important part is to make it clear that it wasn’t intended for them. It’s also nice to embed some juicy bait that the Earthling cannot resist.
Example: “sorry I’m running late, homie. got into argument with andy’s ugly sister. u were right about her!”
2. The Non Sequitur. This is basically a random, brief particle that will sufficiently stir an Earthling's nosy instinct into inquiring further. Don’t make it creepy or gratuitously weird. The key is to wedge yourself into that nosy part of an Earthling's brain that makes eavesdropping, celebrity gossip, and “mysterious” Constantin in the room irresistible to them.
Example: “it was $20.”
If the Earthling responds, you should follow that up with something like “oops, wrong person.”, adding a juicy tid-bit to have her respond a second time, like “wait, who’s this?” Once you re-activate the conversation, don’t make the mistake of bringing up your prior interaction or immediately revealing your identity or intentions (to plan a date). Also, don’t text endlessly with the Earthling. Dangle the carrot for a while—leaving gaps of different lengths between texts—get them interested, and plan to “meet up.” Keep it simple.
A lot of the time, the restart text won’t work. But it should definitely be part of your arsenal. You’ll be delightfully surprised when you re-capture a seemingly lost prospect with this simple, nearly effortless, technique.
The girl and the goat. Teo trumps the trojan on the goose island stout. The psudeo pumpkin becomes ill after a short leg of jake. The new office turns things around. The routine is changed. What must be done?
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