The Island of Misfit Toys

Ok, now this is all about the waking dream.  Or is it?   There have been new thoughts.  One thought is that I create the story that I have abandonment issues because I was shuffled around various babysitters when I was young. Blah blah blah.  And as I result I tend to be attracted to women who are not emotionally available to keep up the cycle.  I suppose you can read this on some internet site like "poppsychology.com" or some random self health book.

But the other dynamic is that the women who are into me, who perhaps get me, make me emotionally unavailable, and make me want to run,  perhaps because they remind me of my own  uncomfortable parts (yes, I'm using the word "part" in the IFS context now...lol) and my "protector" parts over and I run.

Case in point, this weekend.  Somebody that gets me.  I mean really understands the moment by moment flux of the change that occurs to me.  And immediately recognizes when I go somewhere else.  Which is all the time, right?  lol   And states that "we are both misfit toys."  Which on one level is correct.  But the misfit part of myself has been shunned since high school if not before. Indeed, that is why I became of a lawyer, or at least one of the salient reasons--just to Goddamn fit in...lol.  Sure, I could have gone to grad school and wrote and studied all the time, but I viewed that as outside of society.  So I went to law school.  I wanted to fit in.  And I did.  And that is how it has played out for the last 30 years, at least on the surface, at least until very recently where I am not as concerned about fitting in.  But I suppose I'm still trying to fit in, maybe just not in lawyer circles.  I'm still trying to play a part.

Now don't get me wrong.  I'm now going into the uncomfortableness of it all.  Like a motherfucker.  Like taking psychedelics to do it.  Like mediating two hours a day now.   Uncomfortableness is my friend and ally.  And If you listen to James Kent, I'm kind of a spiritual masochist. But I digress.  

 The dynamic of being a misfit and trying to fit in and the tension between it all is what has made me what I am.  Caused me to embrace society and not withdraw from it.  Now, I'm forgotten what I'm railing against.  Maybe I'm not even sure.  Now I remember.  Two words,  Maureen D. in law school.  Exhibit B, so to speak.  She got me.  We had intense conversations.  But there was a little voice inside my head that said run.  She is a head case.  Run.  Now I may be a head case as well.  But after I balked at Maureen D. she immediately started sleeping with my roommate and best friend (now deceased John M).  Not that I minded one bit or was jealous.  Thank God she left me alone.  And thank God my little head makes better decisions than my big head.  But we agreed on that one.  I wouldn't f her with a ten foot pole.  And John, bless his heart, did everything and every female.  That was the beauty of John...lol.

So where does that leave me.  My little crystal ball says that when I bring this up, my other co-misfit is not going to take it well.  She's all about relating to me until I don't play the misfit.   And I resist the spell that she is trying to cast on me: turning me into a misfit.    Well is suppose that's better than the other spell, where you keep me at bay by pathologizing me or turning me into a frog, but I think I already talked about that.  Time to run again...lol.

Wow what a strange weekend.  Saturday, woo woo as the delusional life coach.  Sunday on the island of misfit toys.  

Hey, its all good.  Time to get hypnotized again tonight? Right?