What Am I Not Seeing?

My dry eye syndrome became more acute as it was pointed out to me.  "What is that in your eye," said DLG.  And of course there are no accidents.  What am I not seeing?  My complaints of not having a spirit animal as the black ants are crawling over me?  So I listen to the pain, and feel that it starts in my heart.  I feel comfort of the feeling of taking care of myself.  I am getting spread too thin, and imagine the need to make a change in my life.  But I don't have to do anything, not yet anyway.

There are no accidents.  I was at Beaver Dam.  And am course, that is near where I used to live, so maybe that is connected with what I am not seeing.  I was in my old house in Forest Hills Subdivision that I inhabited in Junior High.  Only I was vividly there and vividly at bed in the Farmhouse in some weird timelessness awareness.  And I was going through the house, remembering my bedroom and the TV room and my sisters room, the family room, the porch where the priest came to visit that one time my Grandmother was there.  The one where I had to ring the bell to start the mass as an altar boy.

And I was in the backyard and the front yard, but these were memories I had of past dreams of this place which were also interconnected with my awareness.  A dream within a dream so to speak.

I remember finding Monte Python in the TV room.  The sloping backyard on the way to the train tracks.  The open mine shaft along the tracks.  The BB gun.  Listening to Boston on the way up the hill near the house with older dudes in high school.  My dad having headaches.  Peanut Buster Parfaits.  Old WW2 movies during a day I was sick from school.  Too many study halls, reading about WW2 historical figures and writing that an authoritarian government would not permit the bozos in my class from doing something.  Yes, I do have a bit of that personality.  Because I moved to this place, and took awhile to fit in.  Being a star athlete to a no body.

But then the state became more vivid.  I was channeling some sort of fire.  I was being propelled to an unknown land.  I was the change.  And of course, I remember what was in the one ice cube I had with dinner four hours before.  So this does not come as a surprise.

Don't Screw with the Major Arcana

I was at a church.   Likely a Catholic Church.   I don't remember what happened prior to this, but I felt I had some sort of powers and wanted to defile the Church.

I was naked.  I don't know how or why, and I was flying around the length of the Church, and up to the altar where a Priest was at.  I'm sure he saw me.  I felt that I was exerted my power in some way and resisting.  I think the priest was shocked, but i'm not sure.

Then I was at a different place and doing something that was somewhat dark.  Taking advantage of people? Not quite sure.  Then I remember that Hermes appeared and I immediately backed away because I remember thinking that "you can't fuck with the major arcana."  Of course, not sure that Hermes is any Tarot deck.  Still I knew that he was some sort of God, and would be impervious to whatever I was up to.  Then the tide turned against me.

I was in the Air Force.  And it was not good.  I remember the woman who is an accountant in the Notre Dame Club.  She was doing well in the Air Force, because they celebrated blandness.  Something like the memory of ROTC.  I'm not sure exactly what the dynamic was, but it was not good for me.  I'm not sure what happened after that.

What's it Like on the Other Side?

I was in Reading, PA, on a deposition with a group of attorneys and John M and Pete D.  Of course, I knew that John M and Pete D were both dead, so I asked John what it was like on the other side.  (Note to self, this could be a reminder when it happens again that I am dreaming.  When I fly in a dream or see John M, that could be my intentional trigger to remember I am dreaming and to go lucid).  I remember John responding by making a gesture upward and saying something that lead me to believe it was like DMT where I was floating up, then pushing out of the ground into an infinite light.  So I remember thinking that I had that to look forward to.

And then, when I was later meditating this morning, looking out the back porch into the fence which abuts the cornfield, I remember experiencing that thoughts were like lower vibrational forces that keep one down and that the natural spiritual dimension is one and expansive, and thoughts were constrictive and that is the duality that we live in and perhaps why the divine would want to be embodied, or why the divine would experience materiality in that manner and how the divine would be given a choice to simply enter the divine or return to this realm of thoughts and matter.

Back to the dream in Pennsylvania.  I remember we were on some sort of job interview to be the human relations director for some company.  The salary was like $350K a year.  There was sort of an obstacle course to get to the interview, or maybe that was part of the interview.   We had to go through tunnels.  John was really good at that.  And John and Pete were both good at the accounting questions they were asking.  I didn't understand the accounting question the interviewer asked and asked him to repeat the question and he refused.   He would not.   So I was struggling to combine the numbers in a way that they would add up.

Then I was at some sort of a law school with attorneys and students walking around who were like 2L's.  It was very crowded.  Lots of people in a place I had never been.  I remember thinking that I should tell Elaine about the job interview because she lives out there or was from Reading or something.

Then there was another dream where somebody found a peyote bud outside.  I don't remember this dream at all except it was much more surrealistic.  I think somebody was trying to shoot me and I couldn't get away.  It was a woman.  I think she did shoot me and I died.  But I kept on going maybe in some library or something.

You Need a Manicle to Face the Truth

So I was meditating this morning like I have done every morning for the past 92 days.  But who is counting.   Thats even more than counting the Omer.   So I remember Matt S. talking about Great Spirit (hereinafter "GS") telling him that Sunstar was burned because he was not acting in accord with the dictates of GS.  I'm not so sure about the burning thing, but I decided to ask GS for connection during the meditation.

And more images came.  I remember that night in Florida where I was running away from demons on Aya.  And I image GS showing me that this is exactly what my human experience is every day.  And there are forces of the shadow all around me.  And those forces are really part of me that if I remember to go into them, will be a gateway to evolution.  This much I know.  And I remember running from one such shadow in St. Louis, Shane, who was facilitating an Aya ceremony there.  Now I don't know much about Shane, but remember he was involved in the tech industry.   Well, he was because several weeks ago I get a group email from him advertising his services as an "executive" coach.  LOL.  This always causes me to laugh.  Only the CEOs need coaching.  Its not like they haven't already accomplished something?  What about all the fucking unprivileged people around the world you motherfucking executive coaches!  Don't you give a rats ass about them?  Or wait, they can't pay you, so ....

Anyway, GS was showing me that the forces of shadow are all around me.  Even when I'm not taking Aya.  And they are distracting me from GS.  All the bullshit.  Sit quiet and just pay attention to the trees, they have some serious knowing.  Merge with them muthafuckers!

And of course, I still have that other ceremony that I go to during AYA.  The real existential human experience.  What its like to be a human body in this dimension.  The really BIG question.  Are you ready to face that dude?  Without running away.  So I tell Teresa, the poor little shadow demon that I ran from in Florida, maybe i should do AYA again with my foot manicled to a post so I don't run away again and engage in more mischief.   See GS wanted me to connect with her and in the process of connecting, start to integrate a piece of this whole thing.   GS wants me to connect with other people, and trees, and plants, and just about everything, even myself.

I Am Looking for You

I was in the farmhouse, the real farmhouse, more or less.  With I believe my sister and mother and more people.  There was something about wanting to hide from people coming in.  But not everyone.  Later, there was an native american couple outside the house.  They were familiar and I had met them before (in the dream, not in real life, though they did bear some resemblance to Jacquelyn's parents on the Unstoppable Kimmy Schmidt show..lol).  Anyway, I knew they could be trusted, and either my mother or sister went outside and was giving them a blanket to keep them warm.  The couple was happy.  I wanted them to come inside.  But then there were more people dressed like native american's only they had rotten teeth like zombies.  They also wanted to come inside.  I asked them what they wanted and one of the females with rotten teeth said "I am coming for you", which I took to mean she wanted me.  And I was having none of that so I scared them away somehow.

There was more to this.  I may remember later like someone who looked like Mason and a very decorated young vibrant military officer.  Like a General way before his time.  And his wife, who looked very old by comparison to him.  But then there were old pictures of them together and she looked his age and very attractive.  Now she looked like his mother.

When I woke up and was in the shower, after I meditated, thought about how the endless waves of life are exactly like an aya ceremony.  That is what consciousness is, waves.  Endless ebbing and flowing.  That is what we are.  That is our life throughout eternity.  And I wanted to see it again, this time manacled to the ground so that I would not get into any mischief.  And I thought I should contact Theresa to make this happen or something.