Maxwell, of course, was my 1990 Pontiac Minivan. He was purchased for me by an anonymous donor who will remain anonymous because he was such a dipshit. You might think that Maxwell was hideous, but he drove like new (for awhile anyway). He had an automatic transmission because I absolutely refused to drive a stick. The only problem with Maxwell were his struts and I ran him to the ground. He was ugly van but having him was like living in paradise. I decorated him with radio station bumper stickers, rubber ducks on my dashboard, and a gigantic Care Bear in the back seat. Maxwell was like my appendage. It really pissed me off that my anonymous donor put his name on it at the DMV. But I still felt like Maxwell was my ticket out of Industry. I wanted to drive and drive till the he crapped out.
The second party of our adventure begins quite inauspiciously with Maxwell. I had been working not quite a month at one of the two McDonald's in Macomb and had sold off my dvds for money to blow on Candy Kid Adventure, Chapter 1. The anonymous donor and I were in the process of moving in his cousins up the road into an old funeral home. I was less than excited. Nicole was up in Springfield visiting family with her parents and Amy had the night off. It was an adventure we had planned for a long time, so I took off to Springfield. Maxwell and I picked up Nicole from the A&W by the airport and scooped Amy to take her to work for the afternoon. However, before our adventure was to begin in earnest, we had to fuck with ZJ. ZJ is this guy who would message every girl on MySpace that he was 'single and looking'. We had a decoy girl that we used, her name was Amanda. We got ZJs phone number and Nicole called him to tell him to meet her at the mall. It went something like this:
NICOLE: Zach baby, im going to the mall, meet me there in 10 min?
ZJ: OK, love you Amanda
In other words, this douche bag was saying 'I love You' to a girl he met online, never met and has only talked too twice! We waited in the food court till he showed up. ZJ then calls Nicole's phone and she tells him she's infront of the Subway. But this idiot was too afraid to meet her at the Subway. He just stood there on the railing looking down like the stalker that he was. And, of course, we had to memorialize the event by taking pictures of him:
Amy had to get to work so we headed to Meijer. But we were not finished with ZJ. We called him and told him to meet Nichole at Meijer since the mall seemed so crowded. It didnt take but 5 minutes for him to show up. He mopped thru the womens clothing aisle and he called Nicole's phone ( she had the ringer up loud) which caught his attention. But Nichole played it off like her boyfriend was calling. Then Nicole calls ZJ and says to meet her in the Candy aisle. Of course, Amanda never shows up. Never trust a Candy Kid in the Candy aisle. ZJ then disappears and doesn't return our calls. Which is the only smart thing the idiot did that night. Don't fuck with us--we are the Candy kids.
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Have I told you that the the Candy Kids have a thing for Abraham Lincoln? We hate Mary Todd...she was a bitch. But that Lincoln..mmm..he was a sexy beast. We had this joke for what Abe hid in his hat?.... antique sex toys! He obviously hated Mary Todd and was a bit adventurous *wink wink*
The following afternoon was a Lincoln filled adventure. We drove out to Oak Ridge Cemetery to take a tour at his tomb. We pulled into the parking lot and before we got out Nicole notices something.
NICOLE: Look behind the van! Theyre all just looking at us....eating rock candy!
ME: Where did they come from? I didnt see them when i pulled in? And where the hell can i get some rock candy?
There was a huge boyscout troop standing and pointing at all the stickers on Maxwell. We failed to realize the temp dropped from in the 40s to about 29 and we were freezing from the wind. We took all the pictures we could before strolling inside for the tour. Inside the tomb there was no rock candy. I was disappointed, but why should there be? No food allowed in the tomb. I was breaking the rules tho. We had ringpops! Got to the area where Lincoln and family are and waited till the other tourists left. Time to get highly inappropriate. We giggled about what was in Abe's hat and turned around to see Mary Todd's name was:
NICOLE: Mary's body is inches away on the other side!
ME: I just wanna punch her in the face for being such a bitch to my Abe Babe!
Onward to a tour at Lincoln's house. We spotted a top hat hanging by the stairs and we knew what had once been in that hat! Up to Abe's bedroom where both our minds stayed in the gutter:
NICOLE: Wonder why Lincoln needed a huge 4 post bed for?
ME: Because he was a freak!
The outhouse has a 3 seat potty. Perfect for the CK!
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A trip to Springfield wouldn't be the same without stopping over to see my Mum and raid her fridge for nuggies.
The Candy Kids LOVE chicken Nuggets! Especially Dinosaur shaped nuggets!
ME: How cool would it be if they made Abe shaped Nuggets? They could have tophat shaped nuggies..and
>>> (Nicole interrupts)
>>> NICOLE: ABE'S PENIS SHAPED NUGGETS!
Before we picked up Amy from work we went to the Hilton to waste some time and ride the elevator to the top. Taking the elevator to the top we stopped at the women's bathroom on the top floor where there is a nice night view of Springfield. I noticed instead of hand dryers they just sit out stacks of paper towels by the sink to dry your hands. Not wanting to pass this opportunity for free paper towels, just in case I have to pee in the woods on the way home we would have some! I stuffed mine and Nicole's bags full! I remember using the quote from the Breakfast Club "You never know when you gotta jam"....I had started carrying alot more stuff in my tote since summer time. I finally understood why women keep so much crap in their purse. I kept everything in mine from baby travel sizes of shampoo/conditioner/toothpaste/mouthwash/hairspray...but my tote had gotten so heavy i started taking my picnic basket with me. It stayed in my van and had everything I
needed in it when i "Had to Jam"
None of us were 21 yet. I was going to be 20 in a few days and Amy and Nicole were both 18. For a birthday gift my mom had bought me a 5th of Jager, a 5th of apple pucker and some red bull. I wanted to drink the redbulls on the way home. I was so tired and the heat in my van didn't work so well...especially since my driver seat window wouldn't roll up all the way. I stopped in Virginia, Il for some cigarettes, thought maybe they would help me stay awake on the road. I was freaking out I would fall asleep. I didn't have insurance on my van anymore and didn't want to risk the other CKs to drive. Everything was going good till we hit the Rushville turns. I started falling asleep at the wheel and I did for like 3 seconds turning a corner. I heard Amy and Nicole screaming telling me to wake up. There was a huge family of deer that I had dodged. After that scare i was wide awake till we got to the trailer.
There was no furniture to sit on except a spare mattress and the tv. My "anonymous donor" had taken everything over to the funeral home. We popped in the new Lamb of God dvd and got drunk and ate a box of 40 count tacos and pizza rolls. It was almost just as cold on the inside of the trailer as it was outside but we were too drunk to care. Fell asleep to the dvd and called it a night..
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