People from the Past with Senility and Apologies

I'm trying to feel what part of my body contains or vibrates to the messages of the dreams. I think I can feel it right behind my heart.  That must be a powerful place.

This dream involved two people from the past.  

I was on a train I think.  Or maybe getting off the train.  I saw her.  I smiled.  She did not avoid me but smiled back.  We then started talking and went to an area like a bar or restaurant.  Interesting now that I remember this dream, I am thinking of another dream I forgot about renting and apartment in St. Louis, and a game inside, but that is another dream.

On the way to our seat, I was told that R. J. , my fathers old football roommate at the University of Utah was in the building.   R. went on to be a professional football player.   I think several weeks ago my parents said that he may be having issues related head injuries and age.  Or senility.  Or Alzheimer's.   Anyway, the individual who was pointed out to me was obviously not R.J. because they were young.  Anyway, my old friend and I took a seat.  I don't remember what we talked about, but it must have been pleasant, because either she put her legs on me or I draped my legs over her.

Then I was with another friends father.  The father, who I never met, died last year.  I was talking with him and we went to the place were by other old friend was at.  It was outside and she was sitting down writing me a letter.  I don't remember exactly what the letter said, but it was something like an apology letter to me because of  Donald or Ronald Kirsch.  It real life, she does not know any such person.  And neither to I:-)

Tell Your Truth to the Dog that Bites You. For it is you.

There are a number of interwoven dreams here.  

I was talking to my father I think and told him that I was in contact with the spirit world.  He did not believe me, and nevertheless I manifested the contact.  Even though I did not feel it at the moment that I was in touch with the spirit world, I nevertheless knew that I was in contact, and started a ritual to prove him wrong.

Then I was back to being a lawyer.  But I was in contact with the spirit.  I was with a Judge in a region that vaguely felt like Madison county in that I knew I was not welcome.  There were many books involved.  All over the place, and I was mistaken about them somehow.  The judge was celebrating the death of someone, in the way that they do in this world.  Paying homage to another attorney, telling how he has served the community etc.  I knew I was in another ritual of this world, but it somehow felt false.  I felt like I was an outsider.

The I was with a wild dog, I was somehow interacting with it in a way that felt like I was manipulating it.  After a time, it turned around and went straight after me.  I jumped up, and in the process woke up as it was about to make contact with me.

Here is me telling my truth.  As the shepardess suggested I must do in dealing with the ancestors.  I can go to that happy place near the base of my brain, and find the calm there before I act:

Paranoia is a gift.  It's an indication that we are sensitive to the spiritual realm which is inconsistent with this realm in a variety of ways.  Hence the tension of paranoia.

And at one level, what the paranoia is showing us is real.  So the practice is to honor the gift of paranoia.  Which perhaps is better called heightened sensitivity.  Honor it, but realize in this realm, the creatures play by different rules. and even though they are flawed and hence we don't trust them, that is what we signed up for by coming to this realm.  So we must be of two minds.  The mind that honors the paranoia, and the mind that has compassion for what it sees, for everyone that we are afraid of or think has bad motives, if part of the divine as well.  They are all us.

So we have a great gift.

The Contagion of Spirits

 This one is part dream and part life.  The life part is somewhat obscured to prevent disclosure to those that are infected.  

They were all evil.  A whole group of them.  And they were following me everywhere.  I could not get rid of them.   The ones in the dream knew they were evil.  And when I told them that, I don't really remember their reaction, but there was no rejection on it, to be sure.  With one, who became separated with me, I even asked do you remember the time when you were not evil?  What happened to you?  I was trying to feel some pity or connection to him.  Part of the problem I realized is that when I ran from them, I was participating in the evil.  But there seemed no alternative.  If you sat next to them, as they directed you to do, they would infect you.  Even the ones not in a dream that don't realize what they are doing.

And that is the part that is most disturbing.  The part when you are minding your business, feeling all equanimous and you encounter someone who is unhappy, sad, or angry.  Nothing wrong with that.  Sometimes they ask for help, and you help them.    But there is something about these energies that want to spread to other people.  So the people want you to sit and to listen to them.  They want you to be close and to give them your undivided attention.  Because they cannot control the feelings in them they try to solve their own problems by controlling you.  I'm not sure I understand the mechanism of transmission, but that is how it works.  It makes me think that the old beliefs of  disease or mental health being regulated by spirits or spiritual possession to have some merit.  I wonder where I can find an exorcist? 

I had another dream about evil beings when I returned home from Tuscon.  This time they were following around with knives.  I created some spell or some protective barrier that even when they stabbed me it didn't hurt.   This of course was great.  And I really almost feel sometimes that I can enter mental states where this is almost possible.  I remember meditating late at night waiting for the alarm to go off to go to the airport and focusing on a point just outside my heart.  And it seems that when you create a point outside of your body, that it gives you body some sort of freedom, or space to operate in that is liberating.  So I go that going for me.....lol.  

Escaping the Matrix

I'm sitting on the happy hill overlooking Tuscon.  I walk up feeling the earth beneath me like no other place.  It's welcoming me back like no other place.  And I look at the saguaro and rocky outcroppings which protect the petroglyphs and I know that I am being called back to the place as I have been called back perhaps through eternity.  And how this perpetual call and return in the Ayahuasca space is frightening, here it is welcoming.  Something that always was, always will be, world without end, Amen.   

And I start the meditation touching the rocks which hold the portal and feel drawn away from the city down below.  The matrix.  You can be lost in it.  You are always lost in it.  I am instructed to breath so that the inbreaths bring me back, each breath in one of the four directions, then above me, and below me.  And I am no longer in the matrix, but here among the rocks and the cactus.  Then there is just be an two saguaros, then me and the saguaro in front of me, then just the saguaro.  

Then the insight timer bell rings and I am drawn back to the matrix, my parents hiking up the hill next to me and I join them.  Its my mother's birthday after all.