The Island of Misfit Toys

Ok, now this is all about the waking dream.  Or is it?   There have been new thoughts.  One thought is that I create the story that I have abandonment issues because I was shuffled around various babysitters when I was young. Blah blah blah.  And as I result I tend to be attracted to women who are not emotionally available to keep up the cycle.  I suppose you can read this on some internet site like "poppsychology.com" or some random self health book.

But the other dynamic is that the women who are into me, who perhaps get me, make me emotionally unavailable, and make me want to run,  perhaps because they remind me of my own  uncomfortable parts (yes, I'm using the word "part" in the IFS context now...lol) and my "protector" parts over and I run.

Case in point, this weekend.  Somebody that gets me.  I mean really understands the moment by moment flux of the change that occurs to me.  And immediately recognizes when I go somewhere else.  Which is all the time, right?  lol   And states that "we are both misfit toys."  Which on one level is correct.  But the misfit part of myself has been shunned since high school if not before. Indeed, that is why I became of a lawyer, or at least one of the salient reasons--just to Goddamn fit in...lol.  Sure, I could have gone to grad school and wrote and studied all the time, but I viewed that as outside of society.  So I went to law school.  I wanted to fit in.  And I did.  And that is how it has played out for the last 30 years, at least on the surface, at least until very recently where I am not as concerned about fitting in.  But I suppose I'm still trying to fit in, maybe just not in lawyer circles.  I'm still trying to play a part.

Now don't get me wrong.  I'm now going into the uncomfortableness of it all.  Like a motherfucker.  Like taking psychedelics to do it.  Like mediating two hours a day now.   Uncomfortableness is my friend and ally.  And If you listen to James Kent, I'm kind of a spiritual masochist. But I digress.  

 The dynamic of being a misfit and trying to fit in and the tension between it all is what has made me what I am.  Caused me to embrace society and not withdraw from it.  Now, I'm forgotten what I'm railing against.  Maybe I'm not even sure.  Now I remember.  Two words,  Maureen D. in law school.  Exhibit B, so to speak.  She got me.  We had intense conversations.  But there was a little voice inside my head that said run.  She is a head case.  Run.  Now I may be a head case as well.  But after I balked at Maureen D. she immediately started sleeping with my roommate and best friend (now deceased John M).  Not that I minded one bit or was jealous.  Thank God she left me alone.  And thank God my little head makes better decisions than my big head.  But we agreed on that one.  I wouldn't f her with a ten foot pole.  And John, bless his heart, did everything and every female.  That was the beauty of John...lol.

So where does that leave me.  My little crystal ball says that when I bring this up, my other co-misfit is not going to take it well.  She's all about relating to me until I don't play the misfit.   And I resist the spell that she is trying to cast on me: turning me into a misfit.    Well is suppose that's better than the other spell, where you keep me at bay by pathologizing me or turning me into a frog, but I think I already talked about that.  Time to run again...lol.

Wow what a strange weekend.  Saturday, woo woo as the delusional life coach.  Sunday on the island of misfit toys.  

Hey, its all good.  Time to get hypnotized again tonight? Right? 

Drilling Down to the Bone

 I was in Germany in the late WW2 era.  Soldiers came into town and I had to to flee.  I had the vague idea that I was going to be a partisan living in the woods and fighting the soldiers.  There were other partisans as well, but I don't remember them.  We had a large white tent on a hill overlooking the town.  For some reason, I thought this would be safe.  I was wrong.  The soldiers came up the hill and I was hiding in the tent.  I wrapped the tent canvas around me to shield myself.   The soldiers did not lift the tent up to see me, but they must have known I was there by because I could feel their hands all over me through the canvas. Then they started drilling.  The drill went into my teeth.  I was expecting the pain to come but it never did.  That is when I awoke.

It was not a pleasant morning after I awoke.  Today was much worse.  I'm not sure what it is, unworthiness, shame, fear, maybe a mixture of all the above.  I'm in flight mode now, so I went to work early and did not do my usual meditation routine.

6pm tonight, prepare to me to be hypmotised.

Penis obling goddess. Ricky ticky tembo no sar embo cherry cherry boochi.

I have been running my entire life it seems, hiding under beds from the babysitters, roaming the prairie outside Casper Mountain.  Now is the time to go back inside and see what I have been missing.  Or, its coming anyway, whether I thought it was safe or not.  Hiding in plain sight.

Rabbits Chasing Foxes (and other news)

 I remember a circle, perhaps a coven of rabbits swirling together outside my house.  Or I might have been in the barn.  Now that I think about it, I don't think it was either, but I was outside and it felt like I was near a structure.  

One of the rabbits broke from the circle and encountered a fox.  At first I thought the fox was chasing the rabbit and I thought that the other rabbits should help it.  Then I realized that it was the rabbit chasing the fox.  Nevertheless, I still wanted to help the rabbit, but I couldn't move.  The fox then came back near me and I wanted to move to get rid of it and protect the rabbit (as if it needed help...lol), but I couldn't move.  As I am awake and typing this now, I believe it was the coven of rabbits that must have given the rabbit its strength and courage.  

Then it was 3 am and I was listening to a theta wave entrainment meditation.  And even though it was going to be a busy day when I woke up, and I still had a certain amount of pain from the super bowl party I entered a state of complete relaxation and something like bliss. And there was a meter maid there.  And I was happy about that.  And I continued to summon her.  And I remember feeling so grateful that I was able to summon her and that all my previous frustrations to summon something similar and been leading up to this.

In other news, when I was born at the end of may, my mother returned to school in August and I was cared for by my Aunt Connie.  Then on weekends my mother would come back from the University of Utah and care for me on weekends at her fathers house.  That continued for the rest of the semester, then she moved to Denver to be with my father who was coaching there.  One of the earliest memories I have is floating around the ceiling at my Aunts place when there were voices and people down below me.  

In Denver, I had a babysitter Carole who my mom went to high school with.  Then while my mom was substitute teaching, I had another babysitter later who my mother said was a quiet single woman who lived in the same apartment building.  I have memories of going to museums and a lake.  My mother told me that this woman used to take me places with her so she wouldn't be alone.  I have another memory of being in the basement of some sort of office building being examined by a man who told me he was giving me something to that the opening of my penis would get bigger.  I think he was also examining me.  My mother doesn't remember anything like that.  I also had imaginary friends named mitt poo and porkywatt during this time period.

Sucking the Orange/Pink Fluid from a Vacuum Cleaner

 It was something to do with work.  I had to deal with this guy and he was repulsive for some reason.   I don't remember exactly why, I was trying to avoid him, he was associated with something dirty, grimey, or polluted. 

I had more contact with the guy, something about recycled waste.  Also something about a pool of waste next to some sort of athletic facility.  I was following him around or investigating him.  I don't remember why.

In a strange way, I think the guy looked a little like me.  But he was different.  It was hard to communicate with him. I think I warmed up to him at some point.  I saw a value in what he was doing.  Then he showed me something he considered important.  He picked a vacuum cleaner up and started sucking an orange pink fluid from a nozzle at the bottom.  This didn't make any sense, but I wasn't going to suck the liquid, whatever it was.

Later, much later, I watched him lead a rag tag group of dancers.  I knew at some levelthey were all misfits.  But I wanted to be with them, I wanted to be a part of this tribe.  I don't remember what happened after that.