The Fun Always Starts at 3 AM.

 I woke up with indigestion.  Maybe too much Kombucha.  Maybe H Pylori if I listen to some people.  I could not do my Sensate even, the feelings were too intense.  So I listened to this trauma release thing I found listening to a podcast.  And as the meditation moved down to what was the expansive green open prairie of my heart, (that was covered in grey clouds), which felt very good by the way, I moved down to my midsection which was the source of my discomfort.

My midsection was yellow corresponding with the Chakra.  The audio invited me to find and listen to the inner child, and the younger me quickly emerged in some sort of forest.  I felt and listened to the inner me, the five year old me and I felt that the child wanted to come with me and not be alone.  Tears sprung up.  I realized that this was the valuable voice and I felt it on an energetic level, its pain, its irrationality, its tears.  I talked to the younger me and encouraged me to come along, and I assured me that I would take care of me.  I asked me to show me what I was missing.  This is the voice I have been missing.  And I remembered a time at the old Shop and Save on South Grand and I was there during the time that I was married and having panic attacks.  And the child told me that I did not listen to it then. We were in the video room of the store and something happened that I don't remember that upset me.

Then my uncle Johnnie (the ex-Priest) emerged.  And I felt him on an energetic level.  And at some level I had the feeling that I was accessing my ancestral trauma.  Those are the words that came to mind.  And I remembered that we used to wrestle when I was very young.  I should talk to my parents about that.  And about the neighbors that allegedly abused Uncle Johnnie when he was young.  And the pain that issue inflicts on my father.   I tapped into that last night, the Kokal collective emotion associated with that.

This time of pause has been an opportunity to go into some things that normally i have not addressed, and shrugged off.  Shrugged off for decades.  And this feeling in my midsection, that western doctors would want to numb and make comfortable, is a symptom of the deep energies swirling that are inviting me to go into them.