I Don't Remember Much of My Dream, Except that I was Unsatisfied With the Choice I Made

I had many dreams before I woke up at 1:30.   But I don't remember them.  Anyway, at 1:30, I woke up with that feeling of heaviness and lack of energy and the feeling that everything was disconnected.  I tried to walk outside around the property with my mind, but I lacked the energy to focus.  Instead of moving outside I felt drawn to the inside realm.

I turned my attention to my breath, and on my diaphragm.  I then moved my attention to the top of my head. I kept bringing my thoughts to the top of my head, imagining them merging into a white light.  I wasn't really paying attention to the thoughts, they were more like feelings and colored strains which I was weaving into the white light.  Soon the thoughts decreased in intensity and for an undetermined length of time I was existing in the area at the top of my head. It was a very focused point and it felt wonderful.  There were hardly any thoughts, and not any awareness of what I was doing or that I was in a room or was connected to the rest of my body. It was just this existence without any relations to space, time or distance.

Then at some point, I became aware I was dreaming and was lucid inside the dream.  I became excited and thought that this was an opportunity I needed to take advantage of--like I was granted a wish and could now do anything with it.  This was a lucid dream after all and anything was possible.  I felt myself soaring out over the horizon, but it wasn't the horizon of the earth.  It felt wonderful.  And I felt I was being asked a question, what do you want?  I hesitated a bit.  I felt that I should have the answer to this question, but I really didn't have one.  Sort of like an afterthought, I imagined that I wanted to go back to my birth.  As soon as I articulated this thought, I felt like this was somehow the wrong answer.  I went back into my body after that......

I think if I am presented with that question again, my answer is to go to that scary place I go to at ayahuasca ceremonies, or at least have on three occasions, the ceremony within the ceremony, and experience it without turning away.  Without the break and fear that I have to get away.  To experience the overwhelming realization that reality is not what I have thought it is all along.  And still have some little voice inside me that I can stay here and investigate it a bit, expand my little existence to hold the vision, if only for a short time, and return.

But the more I think of it, perhaps returning to my birth is exactly same experience at the Ayahuasca ceremony--the two are forever entangled in some way in space and time that everything is, and that is the great mystery.

Safe travels:-)