Ego dissolution is very mysterious and unexpected. I did not recognize it for what it is. Or did I? That is the ambiguity. Sure, in the comfort of a week removed from the experience, it is easy for me now to say that I was experiencing ego dissolution under the influence of ayahuasca. But at the time, it was different. It was real. And the stakes seemed higher. It gave me experience that the reality of the ceremony was the real reality, and my so called life up to then was not what was real. And over an over again, throughout eternity perhaps, like a moth to the flame I would be drawn to this ceremony, and consumed.
I'm not sure that now is the time for any understanding, only feeling. The energy of the night is still within me, working its way in many directions, coming out in my dreams.
The ceremony took place in a teepee, next to a lake. The teepee was located on the bottom of a hill. At the top of the hill (as I dreamed before the ceremony) was a white house. And like in my dream, my spirit would leave my body as I approached the house. I would float. And the voice said that the dance would begin. And it sure did. But I'll get to that...:-)
I had never reacted to ayahuasca as fast and as sudden as this. It was not gradual. All at once was the overwhelming realization that it was all happening again.
I'm not sure that now is the time for any understanding, only feeling. The energy of the night is still within me, working its way in many directions, coming out in my dreams.
The ceremony took place in a teepee, next to a lake. The teepee was located on the bottom of a hill. At the top of the hill (as I dreamed before the ceremony) was a white house. And like in my dream, my spirit would leave my body as I approached the house. I would float. And the voice said that the dance would begin. And it sure did. But I'll get to that...:-)
I had never reacted to ayahuasca as fast and as sudden as this. It was not gradual. All at once was the overwhelming realization that it was all happening again.
"This has all happened before." Now I remember it. I am being called to submit to the rape which will end everything and start reality again. Everything I have know or loved up to now will be gone--it was all leading up to this over and over. My daughters. This strange county of Trump. Moreover, there was a sense that this was what was real, my past life was an illusion. In other words, what goes on at these ceremonies is at a higher form of reality than my other life. The ceremony is what is really going on at a much deeper level.
What I felt was that the ceremony that was happening in Gainesville had happened before at Rhythmia in Costa Rica. The same thing. Only between Costa Rica and Gainesville I had forgotten about it. Now that I remembered, I was afraid that this was what was real all along. But so much more happens in these ceremonies than what I remembered. Now it came back to me, the terrifying strangeness. I was once again in some strange temple with Jerry (founder at Rhythmia) and we were talking about it, he was telling me something but in words that did not make sense until like a rhyme the rhyme became intelligible in baby talk if you kept repeating rhyme. But what he was telling me was horrible and connected in some way to the rape that would end everything. Or at least something that I did not want to accept. He kept repeating it and seemed happy that I had finally understood the rhyme when I nodded my head. What he was telling me was something about a rape and confused sexual identity on my part where I would go from a male to a female so that I could somehow birth some new reality into existence that would also destroy everything.
It seemed that something that happened at Rhythmia was also a part of some ceremony that was not connected with the actual ayahuasca ceremony. In other words, the ceremony at Rhythmia took place in a ceremonial hall with about 30 other participants. But what was going on with Jerry and I that night was not there, but in some other place. We were alone with Dr. Jeff. But that could not have occurred. I did not leave the ceremonial hall. But when I remembered it that night in Gainesville, it seemed like the actual ceremony occurred someplace else that I had forgotten about. That was also the scary part.
And I left the teepee after telling Teresa, poor Teresa who stuck with me though the adventure as much as she could that "this has happened before." And I laid down on the grass did not want to let it slip away. Did not want my previous reality to go away, did not want my daughters to go away, did not want my past life to disappear. And when they told me I needed to get back in the tent, that did not seem like the good option. That would take me back in to Jerry or whatever. The energy was too strong inside. So I set off up the hill. And it almost seemed that this was part of the cycle. I was replaying some story. But I had been here before and I was more resolved The story was that these people around me were not to be trusted. And that I should not talk to them or give them information. But I also felt I was remembering more now that what I had before in Costa Rica.
I was resolute. I was trying to figure out signs of what I should do next and looked for clues. Were the people around me evil and did they keep me from the light and salvation? I looked for confirmation of their sinister intentions and found them. I felt them grab me and take my cell phone and keys away. I saw brown coming out of the shamans mouth (either ayahuasca or Mapacho) and was looking for signs of a snake tongue as well. And she was upset with me. Or at least I felt she was. I had done this before. But this is long process that I can never give up. I had been here before, done this. It seemed familiar. To escape the evil creatures. I broke a window trying to get away. I jumped over a rail inside the house and ran outside to get away from them. And when I escaped and kept escaping from them I felt I was headed in the right direction when I jumped fences and they could not follow. Because the evil creatures could not follow me I felt I was only holy ground that they could not come on. I was looking for help. I was also dimly aware I was in Florida and could not get Marina. But because they could not follow me I felt I was headed in the right direction. I kept following the light, any light, thinking it was some sort of symbol or beacon.
So I knocked on the doors of the houses but thankfully there was no answer. I searched though cars and found water bottles which I drank but then remembered my prior journey where water was like alcohol and would slow me down. I searched barns and trailers and heard a horse out in the forest. I went up to the horse and stroked its mane and asked what it was here for? Are you here to take me somewhere? After several failed attempts I climbed on its back. It carried me through the forest until I slipped off.
Then came a harrowing journey through the forest and nettles (bushes) in various states of altered reality. I will not be able to articulate this part in a coherent way, reality was deconstructed completely and re-fabricated and I felt that this journey would last for infinity unless I kept up the struggle. This is what reality is: Endless repetition. Moreover, I felt during certain times in the evening that this was the afterlife, I was already dead and this was an eternity of endless repetition and suffering. Then I came back to one of the houses and again realized I was not getting anywhere. I had been here before. Then I came to a garden and purged. Then I laid on the side of a hill and felt this was the day. My death journey. But I kept trying to find comfort. I was cold and exhausted. I did not know if I should just die or keep up the futile struggle. I laid down and buried my hands in the soft earth. I probably dozed off for a time.
When I awoke the cycle repeated again. The houses, the cars, I talked to the horse again. I took a guidebook of Scotland either from inside one of the cars or it was on the hood. I also found a lighter at one time which I attempted to start a fire at one time but felt that that would not be a good idea. I eventually returned these.
After some time, I found a road in front of me, and it was illuminated (perhaps). In any event, I felt that it was the road I should follow. Along the way, I realized this road was taking me back to the evil creatures. But somehow the evil creatures were part of my reality which I did not want to give up, the reality which contained my daughters. I must come to terms with them.
So I returned to the ceremony space and went back down the hill. At the bottom, I saw Allen purging, standing up. At the fire, Gigi was laying down but sat up when she saw me and said "You know I love you." To which I replied, "I love you." And I lay down on the fire next to her for while, until I sat up and told her, "I must go tell them (Teresa, Lara, Jyana etc.) that I am sorry." She seemed to understand and nodded. That is what I did.
Even the next day I felt that I could not tell them about Scotland or my friend in Scotland who I had done a podcast with. I felt that I must get a message to him in secret. So I sent him an email. When I did tell them about Scotland I feared that I had betrayed him. Something like the "Invisibles" graphic novels where there are guardians of truth combating interstellar parasites.
It had been a long day. And to think it started with a phone deposition in a park in Keystone Heights near another lake.
I love you all. It is all we are here for. Nothing else.
It seemed that something that happened at Rhythmia was also a part of some ceremony that was not connected with the actual ayahuasca ceremony. In other words, the ceremony at Rhythmia took place in a ceremonial hall with about 30 other participants. But what was going on with Jerry and I that night was not there, but in some other place. We were alone with Dr. Jeff. But that could not have occurred. I did not leave the ceremonial hall. But when I remembered it that night in Gainesville, it seemed like the actual ceremony occurred someplace else that I had forgotten about. That was also the scary part.
And I left the teepee after telling Teresa, poor Teresa who stuck with me though the adventure as much as she could that "this has happened before." And I laid down on the grass did not want to let it slip away. Did not want my previous reality to go away, did not want my daughters to go away, did not want my past life to disappear. And when they told me I needed to get back in the tent, that did not seem like the good option. That would take me back in to Jerry or whatever. The energy was too strong inside. So I set off up the hill. And it almost seemed that this was part of the cycle. I was replaying some story. But I had been here before and I was more resolved The story was that these people around me were not to be trusted. And that I should not talk to them or give them information. But I also felt I was remembering more now that what I had before in Costa Rica.
I was resolute. I was trying to figure out signs of what I should do next and looked for clues. Were the people around me evil and did they keep me from the light and salvation? I looked for confirmation of their sinister intentions and found them. I felt them grab me and take my cell phone and keys away. I saw brown coming out of the shamans mouth (either ayahuasca or Mapacho) and was looking for signs of a snake tongue as well. And she was upset with me. Or at least I felt she was. I had done this before. But this is long process that I can never give up. I had been here before, done this. It seemed familiar. To escape the evil creatures. I broke a window trying to get away. I jumped over a rail inside the house and ran outside to get away from them. And when I escaped and kept escaping from them I felt I was headed in the right direction when I jumped fences and they could not follow. Because the evil creatures could not follow me I felt I was only holy ground that they could not come on. I was looking for help. I was also dimly aware I was in Florida and could not get Marina. But because they could not follow me I felt I was headed in the right direction. I kept following the light, any light, thinking it was some sort of symbol or beacon.
So I knocked on the doors of the houses but thankfully there was no answer. I searched though cars and found water bottles which I drank but then remembered my prior journey where water was like alcohol and would slow me down. I searched barns and trailers and heard a horse out in the forest. I went up to the horse and stroked its mane and asked what it was here for? Are you here to take me somewhere? After several failed attempts I climbed on its back. It carried me through the forest until I slipped off.
Then came a harrowing journey through the forest and nettles (bushes) in various states of altered reality. I will not be able to articulate this part in a coherent way, reality was deconstructed completely and re-fabricated and I felt that this journey would last for infinity unless I kept up the struggle. This is what reality is: Endless repetition. Moreover, I felt during certain times in the evening that this was the afterlife, I was already dead and this was an eternity of endless repetition and suffering. Then I came back to one of the houses and again realized I was not getting anywhere. I had been here before. Then I came to a garden and purged. Then I laid on the side of a hill and felt this was the day. My death journey. But I kept trying to find comfort. I was cold and exhausted. I did not know if I should just die or keep up the futile struggle. I laid down and buried my hands in the soft earth. I probably dozed off for a time.
When I awoke the cycle repeated again. The houses, the cars, I talked to the horse again. I took a guidebook of Scotland either from inside one of the cars or it was on the hood. I also found a lighter at one time which I attempted to start a fire at one time but felt that that would not be a good idea. I eventually returned these.
After some time, I found a road in front of me, and it was illuminated (perhaps). In any event, I felt that it was the road I should follow. Along the way, I realized this road was taking me back to the evil creatures. But somehow the evil creatures were part of my reality which I did not want to give up, the reality which contained my daughters. I must come to terms with them.
So I returned to the ceremony space and went back down the hill. At the bottom, I saw Allen purging, standing up. At the fire, Gigi was laying down but sat up when she saw me and said "You know I love you." To which I replied, "I love you." And I lay down on the fire next to her for while, until I sat up and told her, "I must go tell them (Teresa, Lara, Jyana etc.) that I am sorry." She seemed to understand and nodded. That is what I did.
Even the next day I felt that I could not tell them about Scotland or my friend in Scotland who I had done a podcast with. I felt that I must get a message to him in secret. So I sent him an email. When I did tell them about Scotland I feared that I had betrayed him. Something like the "Invisibles" graphic novels where there are guardians of truth combating interstellar parasites.
It had been a long day. And to think it started with a phone deposition in a park in Keystone Heights near another lake.
I love you all. It is all we are here for. Nothing else.
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