Planet Money Meets the Mayan Goddess

I love you because you are seriously funny and have created a wonderful playground.  Come outside, I'm over there on the swing.

The other story:

I was outside of a house that seemed like it was near a beach.  The house had two stories and was sort of arranged like a flat home in a row of other similar houses.  I entered the house through what seemed like a garage door at the ground level.  I felt Marina's presence in the house like it was hers, but i knew that I was alone.   I then became disoriented.  On the top floor the window was open and I had turned the Planet Money podcast very loud.  It was so loud that I thought it would bother the neighbors.  My disorientation increased such that I had amnesia, I couldn't remember what I was doing.  I wondered if I was going senile.  But then some sort of emergence occurred and I was out of my body and down next to a garden that had a large lake attached to it.  I watched an older man communicate with a Mayan witch goddess that had emerged out of the water.  I didn't quit know what to make of the scene.  At some level, I was the old man, and I was also an observer.  I also had ambivalence about the Mayan Goddess who was at once threatening and intriguing.  The Goddess kept telling the man/me to submit to her and she kept repeating her name which was long and complicated and that I do not now remember it.

At some point however, the old man seemed to understand something and a youthful soul emerged out of his body.  The youthful soul which was like a transparent man in his 20s went down into the lake and embraced and held the Mayan Goddess.  As they held each other and frolicked in the water, the lake opened up into an inland shore and stretched out into the sunset.

Gainesville

Ego dissolution is very mysterious and unexpected.  I did not recognize it for what it is.  Or did I?  That is the ambiguity.  Sure, in the comfort of a week removed from the experience, it is easy for me now to say that I was experiencing ego dissolution under the influence of ayahuasca.  But at the time, it was different.  It was real.  And the stakes seemed higher.  It gave me experience that the reality of the ceremony was the real reality, and my so called life up to then was not what was real.  And over an over again, throughout eternity perhaps, like a moth to the flame I would be drawn to this ceremony, and consumed.

I'm not sure that now is the time for any understanding, only feeling.  The energy of the night is still within me, working its way in many directions, coming out in my dreams.

The ceremony took place in a teepee, next to a lake.  The teepee was located on the bottom of a hill.  At the top of the hill (as I dreamed before the ceremony) was a white house.  And like in my dream, my spirit would leave my body as I approached the house.  I would float.  And the voice said that the dance would begin.  And it sure did.  But I'll get to that...:-)

I had never reacted to ayahuasca as fast and as sudden as this.  It was not gradual.  All at once was the overwhelming realization that it was all happening again. 

"This has all happened before."  Now I  remember it.  I am being called to submit to the rape which will end everything and start reality again.  Everything I have know or loved up to now will be gone--it was all leading up to this over and over.  My daughters.  This strange county of Trump.  Moreover, there was a sense that this was what was real, my past life was an illusion.  In other words, what goes on at these ceremonies is at a higher form of reality than my other life.  The ceremony is what is really going on at a much deeper level.  

What I felt was that the ceremony that was happening in Gainesville had happened before at Rhythmia in Costa Rica.  The same thing.  Only between Costa Rica and Gainesville I had forgotten about it.  Now that I remembered, I was afraid that this was what was real all along.  But so much more happens in these ceremonies than what I remembered.  Now it came back to me, the terrifying strangeness.   I was once again in some strange temple with Jerry (founder at Rhythmia) and we were talking about it, he was telling me something but in words that did not make sense until like a rhyme the rhyme became intelligible in baby talk if you kept repeating rhyme.   But what he was telling me was horrible and connected in some way to the rape that would end everything.  Or at least something that I did not want to accept.  He kept repeating it and seemed happy that I had finally understood the rhyme when I nodded my head.  What he was telling me was something about a rape and confused sexual identity on my part where I would go from a male to a female so that I could somehow birth some new reality into existence that would also destroy everything. 

It seemed that something that happened at Rhythmia was also a part of some ceremony that was not connected with the actual ayahuasca ceremony.   In other words, the ceremony at Rhythmia took place in a ceremonial hall with about 30 other participants.  But what was going on with Jerry and I that night was not there, but in some other place.  We were alone with Dr. Jeff.   But that could not have occurred.  I did not leave the ceremonial hall.    But when I remembered it that night in Gainesville, it seemed like the actual ceremony occurred someplace else that I had forgotten about.  That was also the scary part.

And I left the teepee after telling Teresa, poor Teresa who stuck with me though the adventure as much as she could that "this has happened before."  And I laid down on the grass did not want to let it slip away.  Did not want my previous reality to go away, did not want my daughters to go away, did not want my past life to disappear.   And when they told me I needed to get back in the tent, that did not seem like the good option.  That would take me back in to Jerry or whatever.   The energy was too strong inside.  So I set off up the hill.  And it almost seemed that this was part of the cycle.  I was replaying some story.   But I had been here before and I was more resolved   The story was that these people around me were not to be trusted.  And that I should not talk to them or give them information.  But I also felt I was remembering more now that what I had before in Costa Rica.   

I was resolute.   I was trying to figure out signs of what I should do next and looked for clues. Were  the people around me evil and did they keep me from the light and salvation?     I looked for confirmation of their sinister intentions and found them. I felt them grab me and take my cell phone and keys away. I saw brown coming out of the shamans mouth (either ayahuasca or Mapacho) and was looking for signs of a snake tongue as well.  And she was upset with me.  Or at least I felt she was.   I had done this before. But this is  long process that I can never give up.  I had been here before, done this.  It seemed familiar.   To escape the evil creatures.  I broke a window trying to get away.  I jumped over a rail inside the house and ran outside to get away from them.   And when I escaped and kept escaping from them I felt I was headed in the right direction when I jumped fences and they could not follow.  Because the evil creatures could not follow me I felt I was only holy ground that they could not come on.  I was looking for help.  I was also dimly aware I was in Florida and could not get Marina.  But because they could not follow me I felt I was headed in the right direction. I kept following the light, any light, thinking it was some sort of symbol or beacon.

So I knocked on the doors of the houses but thankfully there was no answer.  I searched though cars and found water bottles which I drank but then remembered my prior journey where water was like alcohol and would slow me down. I searched barns and trailers and heard a horse out in the forest. I went up to the horse and stroked its  mane and asked what it was here for?  Are you here to take me somewhere?  After several failed attempts I climbed on its back. It carried me through the forest until I slipped off.

  Then came a harrowing journey through the forest and nettles (bushes) in various states of altered reality. I will not be able to articulate this part in a coherent way, reality was deconstructed completely and re-fabricated and I felt that this journey would last for infinity unless I kept up the struggle.   This is what reality is:     Endless repetition.  Moreover, I felt during certain times in the evening that this was the afterlife, I was already dead and this was an eternity of endless repetition and suffering.   Then I came back to one of the houses and again realized I was not getting anywhere.  I had been here before. Then I came to a garden and purged.  Then I laid on the side of a hill and felt this was the day.  My death journey. But I kept trying to find comfort.  I was cold and exhausted.   I did not know if I should just die or keep up the futile struggle.  I laid down and buried my hands in the soft earth.  I probably dozed off for a time.

When I awoke the cycle repeated again.  The houses, the cars, I talked to the horse again.  I took a guidebook of Scotland either from inside one of the cars or it was on the hood.  I also found a lighter at one time which I attempted to start a fire at one time but felt that that would not be a good idea.  I eventually returned these.

After some time, I found a road in front of me, and it was illuminated (perhaps).  In any event, I felt that it was the road I should follow.  Along the way, I realized this road was taking me back to the evil creatures.  But somehow the evil creatures were part of my reality which I did not want to give up, the reality which contained my daughters. I must come to terms with them.

So I returned to the ceremony space and went back down the hill.   At the bottom, I saw Allen purging, standing up.  At the fire, Gigi was laying down but sat up when she saw me and said "You know I love you."  To which I replied, "I love you."  And I lay down on the fire next to her for while, until I sat up and told her, "I must go tell them (Teresa, Lara, Jyana etc.) that I am sorry."  She seemed to understand and nodded.  That is what I did.

Even the next day I felt that I could not tell them about Scotland or my friend in Scotland who I had done a podcast with.  I felt that I must get a message to him in secret. So I sent him an email.  When I did tell them about Scotland I feared that I had betrayed him.  Something like the "Invisibles" graphic novels where there are guardians of truth combating interstellar parasites.

It had been a long day.  And to think it started with a phone deposition in a park in Keystone Heights near another lake.

I love you all.  It is all we are here for.   Nothing else.

Gainesville: Epilogue Part 2: The Dreams

I was riding some sort of German staff car vehicle in North Africa. I was in the German army and there were many soldiers riding with me and walking outside of the car.  I was dressed in a black Nazi uniform and I was looking at all my decorations.  Still I had the feeling that this wasn't me.  But I also had the feeling I was in some sort of secret service within the German army.  I was looking to see if I had the death head insignia of the SS or Gestapo on my uniform, but I was not associated with these outfits.  I was in some other more mysterious branch. Whatever branch it was must have been important because the other soldier around me were giving me much deferential treatment.  I was clearly honored or special.

We had won some sort of battle and had caused the American's to retreat.  We were now going over the spoils of war--all the equipment they had left us while they retreated.  The other soldiers were going through many boxes.  It appeared that everything was fine but one of our dogs started barking and attacking something in one of the boxes that the Americans had left.  We all looked at the dog and saw to our surprise that it was fighting with some sort of ever growing black cobra snake.   The snake became large and we realized that the dog would never be able to stop it. 

In response to this American attack, me and the soldiers around me also started to grow and meta morph into large cobra snakes.  I looked down to see the silver and grey scales as I grew into a large serpent.   We had the numbers to defeat the American serpent.  In a way, I felt that we had ambushed it, even though it had expected to surprise us.

We took this as a great victory.

Later on, we had another victory in another setting using this occult warfare. 

Still I knew how this would all end because the Americans had won the war. 

We were at another place and the American's again attached us in great numbers.  They sent down endless psychic bolts of strange white energy that did not appear to do anything, but must have taken their toll.  Coming at us were families and legions of occult warriors all showering us with the strange light.  We responded in force.  At one point we were overwhelmed as they had attacked what had been a nesting ground for us because our young had been taken from us.  I was also among those captured and they were trying to determine my sex.  One of the Americans exposed his genitalia in an effort to determine mine, but I kept mine hidden and was able to convince them I was female and thus could not participate in what he was attempting.  This seemed to placate them, and they stopped trying to lift up my skirt to determine my sex.  Still I knew in some way I was misleading them.

Earlier on I had another dream, I saw a white bulldog that was owned by an old lady.  The bulldog was very pampered.  For some though, it attacked this other dog that was many times its size.  I could not understand why the dog was doing this because it was much too small.   The other dog stood up with the smaller dog clamped to its throat.  I knew that things would not go well for the bulldog.  The other dog slammed it on the ground and was attacking its throat.  I knew that the bulldog would get killed.  Eventually the big dog, left and I saw the bulldog lying on its back, barely moving and probably dead.  I regretted that I would have to tell the old lady.

Gainesville: Epilogue Part 1: The Vibrations

The world is vibrating all around me.  I look out across the parking lot, across the end of the road, across to the Real Estate Group, across to the Church and its all energy.  Its all calling to me.  But I am fixed and stationary.

Relax into it my friend. Feel that you are part of this great vibration of existence, not separate.  You were never separate, you cannot be separate only though your mind, your pain and your fear. 

My body knows better.

Feel the energy move through you.

Dissolve into it.

Gainesville, Prologue: The Zero Sum Questions.

Start with the basics.  Do you believe in God?  This is not an academic pursuit.  If you do not believe in God, what are you really doing here? Are you just going through the motions? What keeps you in this life? Go deep my friend.  Life is calling you.  You can choose not to listen.  You can distract your self.  Is it your fear that keeps you in this realm? What gets you up in the morning?

If you really believe in God, you will trust the process my friend.  Whatever reality throws at you is part of God.  Even the scary stuff that results in your rape and annihilation. Everything is God in ways that we cannot begin to fathom.  We cannot understand it my friend.  Not while we are here.  I have seen it.  Our attempts at understanding are a dead end.

Sure I had a difficult experience in Gainesville.  I kept looking for clues trying to get somewhere.  I did not trust the process.  If I truly believed in God, I would have seen through the madness and the myriad veils put before me.  Or not.  Maybe there is no seeing.  Only faith and endurance.

It all starts there my friend.  If you don't really believe in God, it is just fear.  I will just wander around always looking for safety in what I think is  a hostile universe.  Repeating the same pattern over and over.