Another Shard of the Gem (for Forcen article)

During the forth and final night of the Ayahuasca ceremony, I left my sleeping mattress in the ceremonial hall and went outside to the edge of the jungle.  Perhaps I should restate.  There was no "I" at that time.  I have no recollection of how I arrived there or the process of walking there from my resting mattress.  All I remember is at some point in the ceremony, I was outside. At the time, I had no idea of where I was, who I was, or much of anything other that I had this sense that I was supposed to put together clues of what was around me.   Everything I saw also had some sort of symbolic value.  For example, a dog walked by, and I took this as a symbol or clue I was supposed to figure out.   I remember not knowing what parents or a sister were, or that I had them.  Even the idea of having parents seemed alien and strange.  And there was some clue I was supposed to remember.  And some name I was over and over trying to remember.

Eventually, the head shaman came out, and I remember telling him that this was another clue.  He was from Colombia and I was supposed to trust him.  I didn't know anything about him, or that he was a shaman, or that I was in a ceremony.  It was just that naked directive that  "you are from Colombia and I am supposed to trust you."

Then the narrative changed.  As if I was entering a different reality where all was light.   It was as if everything I had ever known or experienced was false.  Because this was the true reality.  And it was comforting in a way, but also completely strange and alien. There was also a sense of that I was being pushed to transcendence, like a plant pushing out of the darkness and into the sunlight.
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But there also was a sense of confusion and repetitive thoughts at the same time.  I was trying to overcome these to get to the transcendence.  I remember thinking that transcendence was somehow above me and I needed to push through something to get into the sunlight.  I remember trying to dance and jump up to break out of the false world that I had been living in.   At this time, I had some recollection of Marina.   As if we could join together, be one, and push into this transcendent domain which would result in the dissolution of myself and everything I had known.  The end to the false reality.  The complete union with God.

Then the sense of confusion increased.  I remember thinking over and over that I had to remember some clue.  Also, that there was some secret about Marina that I wasn't supposed to tell the people around me.  I had old memories of childhood, old football plays, old childhood friends that were part of the clues I was trying to figure out.

Later, I remember looking at the shaman from Colombia, and seeing that his face turned to death.  Also, the palm trees in the jungle transformed into burial mounds and I felt I was in a realm of death.  The scariest part was that  this realm of death would continue forever:  an eternal cycle of death.     And I became frightened by the death.  There was a directive that these people around me were death and much worse, that they would trap me into this imperfect world of endless repetition and suffering.  I would be born again, over and over again into a false world and never achieve transcendence.

I became convinced that not only were these men trying to keep me in the realm of endless suffering, but that they were trying to hold me down to rape me.    Some of the shaman were offering me water and I was convinced that the water was alcohol which was related to the hell realm of endless repetition.  In other words, if I drank alcohol, I would relax into the realm of endless repetition and suffering.  The men around me were also telling me to relax, which I took as a sign that I should not relax, because that was relaxing into death, and I must struggle.   

I remember looking into the ceremonial room and seeing the women lining up for what was in retrospect the second drink of plant medicine.   I understood the line to be sperm lining up to impregnate the ova.  I wanted to be that one sperm that made it to obtain life.  But I knew that to achieve that, I must struggle.  By this point not only was Jeff trying to restrain me, but a number of the other men as well.  I remember yelling out for Marina, telling her that I loved her and that I was sorry and that it would never happen again.  I called out for her to help me.   But at the same time, I knew I should not tell the men something about her because it would betray her and was a secret.  

At some point, after believing that I had to be the sperm that fertilized the ova, I remember thinking that I had to push hard to get out of this hell realm of males.  I imagined myself in a womb trying to force myself out into the realm of light.  I wanted to be born.  I did not want die.  As I struggled against the men, I thought I was pushing out of a birth canal into the light.  

At some point, I became free and walked into the room with the women who were participating in the ceremony.  At the other end of the ceremony hall was Sean, my roommate during the retreat.   I did not know that at that time, I just knew he was a male to be avoided because he was in league with the other males. Still he seemed less threatening.  The shamans seemed to recognize this, and they encouraged him to follow me outside as I seemed intent on walking out the other end of the hall.  

I don't remember what happened next.  Sean told me that I took off running.   The next thing I remember is that I was at the gate to the compound.   It is approximately a quarter mile from the ceremony hall.  On the other side of the gate is a road surrounded on all sides by jungle.  I went past the gate.  Eventually Sean and the shamans and Jeff caught up with me.  I was barefoot at the time and had cuts and scrapes on my feet.  

Outside the gate, Sean was trying to get me to come back.  He gave me a stone that he kept with him that represented his heart chakra.  We then began a lengthy negotiation over whether I should keep the stone.  Sean told me afterward that the negotiation lasted over an hour.  I was concerned that the "heart chakra" would weigh me down like an anchor and keep me with the men.  I also felt that since the heart stone belonged to Sean, he should keep it.  I also was concerned about Sean's health.  I think he started to vomit outside, perhaps from the plant medicine, perhaps from chasing me.  I chastised the other men outside the gate because they were more interested in paying attention to me--rather than Sean--which I interpreted as another sign that they were evil.  Outside the gate, I was still trying to reach Marina, but obviously, it eventually dawned on me that this was not going to happen. 

Eventually, I came back.  Literally and figuratively.:-)