Marilyn Manson/Vera Farmiga

As fate would have it, the genotype starter kit that the Solaries purchased from the Hermagnav was rather second rate.  The Solaries had been in a bit of a bind financially.   Kits with much more diversity were commonly available throughout the galaxy, but they came with a bit of a price--even for such an ancient species as the Solaries.   So the Solaries settled on a rather out of date starter kit to seed a new species on the third planet of the backwater star known as Sol.

Make no mistake, the genotype kit the Solaries used on Sol was still more than functional.   But without the upgrades featured in the new kits, the facial genotype protocol was rather limited.  In short, these humans, as they came to be know by the Solaries, were created with similar faces.  There were only so many permutations and combinations available for faces available for their creators with the outdated software. For example, the human female actress named Vera Farmiga was created with facial imprint software version 65.34B2:

Vera would surely be shocked to find out she was created with a virtually identical facial imprint software as sported by Marilyn Manson.

Fortunately, though the facial imprint software used was nearly identical, the software controlling the higher cognitive functions of these advanced primates was markedly different.

So the next time you visit as busy airport, or your favorite sporting event and encounter a large group of people and you see someone you think you know only to find out on closer inspection that the person is not the person you know, ask your nearest Solaries when they are going to upgrade the species?  Of course, when the Solaries get the money for the upgrade, hopefully they will spend it on the religion upgrade--before our friends in the Middle East decide to incinerate the Solaries' science project.

The Elevator at the Bottom of the Building

Some elevators go down farther than they go up.

To find these special elevators, look at the buttons on the elevator control panel.  Find the buttons below the "G",  "L" ,  or "1"--for these usually represent ground level.  If you find a wide selection of buttons beneath these choices, you may have just hit the jackpot. 

If you are ready to begin, press the button at the very very bottom of the panel.  You see it down there?  If its a "Z" or even better a "ZZ", be prepared for a long ride down.  You may want to hold onto the railing after you press the button for some of these elevators--especially the older models--travel very fast.

As you begin your descent, you may notice a change of temperature in the elevator.  Sometimes, when you go down, the compartment may begin to get warm.  Usually, this development is not any great cause for alarm.  If it gets too warm for your comfort, you can always try to stop the progress of the elevator before it hits the bottom.   Try hitting a different button, maybe not the "ZZ" at the bottom.   I've heard from people that this sometimes works.  If all else fails, you can always try the alarm button.  Of course, I've never known these to function.   And I have worked on elevators all my life.

Most of the time you will notice a decrease in temperature as your compartment goes down.  I hope you brought your coat along, for things can get cold this far underground.  Very cold.  A musty dank smell is also not that usual to encounter.  Soon, perhaps after 10 minutes of decent, the cabin will abruptly stop.  There will be a pause before the doors open, as if some unseen force is deciding whether or not to release your from its grip.  Then the doors will open, slowly, inexorably revealing a huge underground cavern.   Be careful as you exit the elevator, and mind your step as your adventure is just about to begin.....

Rotary gate at the state fair.  Even the whirles.  I dream of elevators with the light brown hair.

Why George (my friend from Law School) Should be Governor of the State of Missouri (Instead of Jay Nixon) and Why I Shouldn't

When you ever want an insightful take on something, just ask George (my friend from Lawschool).

Me:  So, what do you think about the mess in Ferguson, Missouri?

Geeorge:   I think the govt [Jay Nixon] is missing the point. It's not about Michael Brown, it's about pent up rage from a culture of police harassment, differential treatment for whites, economic inequality, and remnants of the separate but equal mentality. If I was governor, I'd say that I understood that, but that I don't know if Brown was the victim of police misconduct when he was stopped and shot and that I'm gonna let a process that I believe in (and that will be assisted by the FBI) take its time to sort through the evidence. Then I'd lay out a strategy to help the citizens deal with the issues that are at the root of their anger. I'd strike a deal with Ferguson Police to immediately offer early retirement to senior officers and hire 5 (10?) new (black) officers. I'd establish a review committee for complaints of racial harassment and make that an evaluative criteria for advancement. I'd get the county police to commit more black officers to the area. I'd fund a new state office for voter registration in Ferguson to be open through the April elections, and then I'd establish the Ferguson Black Democratic PAC with a $50,000 donation from my personal election fund to be used to support black candidates for city council and mayor and tell them to get out and vote because that's how democracy works.

Me:  I think you should be Governor of the State of Missouri.

What George recognizes is what I see as the pain and perhaps irrational thinking and behavior demonstrated by those outraged (at least at this point) by the killing.  To my mind, the facts are simply not yet in and/or have not been disclosed.  No reason to start looting at this time (or perhaps anytime).  The fact that so many people are outraged without knowing all the facts suggests there is much more going on from an emotional level.   I was startled to see my own Facebook and Twitter feeds of several African-American acquaintances.   These individuals did not live in Ferguson or nearby Ferguson and had probably never been to Ferguson. These were educated African Americans with Graduate degrees.  Their Facebook posts changed completely from the "normal" inane posts of family, friends, vacation etc to a vitriol that I didn't recognize.  Their whole pattern of linguistics changed.   From the "normal" English to an African American dialect that I scarcely recognized outside my passing familiarity to "rap" lyrics.  Perhaps even stranger is the reaction of some of  white people also outraged and indignant--but this in so many ways is not about them.

It calls into question my own prejudices--and perhaps irrational thinking.  To me, I see the video of Mr. Brown in the convenience store prior to the killing and in my mind I see a thug.  To me, the video shows complete disregard to civilized society.  I see him take the cigar box or whatever and when the grocery clerk moves to stop him, Mr. Brown pushes him away and then when the much smaller grocery clerk continues Mr. Brown leans into him threatening.  From there, we will probably never learn the truth.  Mr. Brown allegedly walks in the middle of the road stopping traffic.   He is stopped by the police.   To my prejudices, I can see the thug who just committed petty theft and assaulted the store owner continue on his frankly somewhat evil and indifferent ways to walk in the middle of the road, stop traffic, be stopped by the policeman, threaten the policeman, have an altercation with the policeman and get shot.   In my world, policeman should probably carry tasers in such a situation, but if Mr. Brown did indeed threaten the officers life, go for the officers gun, he gets shot.  In my country, people don't fight with cops.  If they do, they should not be upset if they get hurt.  Indeed, it is interesting that the outrage in the black community became more intense after the video was released.   As if at some level, the protesters suspected all along that Mr. Brown was a thug--but in so many ways, this is not about Mr. Brown.

Of course, all this comes to my mind when I, like my African American counterparts do not know all of the facts.  This is my prejudice.  They see the same incomplete set of facts from a completely different perspective illustrative of the yawning gulf between us.  I wonder if OJ Simpson walks free on their jury? George Zimmerman?

But what if the cops are jackbooted Nazi thugs?  What if they are oppressing the people?  What if the cops have threatened and intimidated me and my family day after day for everyday of my life.  I can never know, experience, feel what it would like to be to live in that society.

And I probably want the African Americans to be more like me.  Perhaps that is what made Obama so successful.   He has skilfully distanced himself from the Jessie Jackson's, Al Sharpton's and other traditional black leaders and forged his path to political power independently.   I listened to Obama give an interview to the Economist  magazine the other day and was impressed at how thoughtful he was about Americas' place in the world and his earnest attempts to make the world a better place.  I felt a kinship and perhaps brotherhood with him that I'd never felt with the last several Presidents who never impressed me with their deep thinking and earnestness.   And yes, Bill Clinton, this applies to you.

It saddeneds me that our country has this apparent divide.  I fear for our future.  Hopefully this is all temporary media hysteria but I have this fear of each of the great nations on this planet going forward like giant corporations competing with each other.  Corporations and citizens (those with money) moving freely to the most attractive venue.   By my prejudices, Germany, Japan, Singapore, South Korea, Canada do not have such a large segment of its population in such a state of pain. Can our country compete when there is such a large segment in prison, unemployed, on welfare etc?   If there is a future day of reckoning where countries are required to sacrifice and slim down because of austerity, economics, or the fact that the Chinese refuse to subsidize our massive government debt anymore--where will that leave us?

And even in George's world where the African American's in Ferguson are empowered and taking control of their government,  I want them to be like me as well.   I don't want them to end up empowering themselves and turning into Detroit.  In the end, how are we going to complete with the Germans with our major cities turning into Detroit?  Such is the way my prejudices flow.

The Ocean Descends Greater than Mt. Everest Ascends

The ocean descends greater than Mt. Everest ascends mused President Nero in a semi-somnabulent state inside the West Wing of the Green House.  Outside of the Presidential palace, the fighting raged on between the President's troops loyal to the Bureaucracy and the Mongol Isis Islamic horde.

And make no mistake, this was a fight to the death with the question of whether the corrupt regime of President Nero would continue, or the world would be thrown into a new age of Barbarism. Several of Nero's closest cabinet members had already been captured in the fighting, and their severed heads now dangled on wooden poles constructed by the Islamic Extremists.   Earlier in the week, the Isis commander Abu Bakr Maliki Maliki Pooh Bah captured an all girls school outside of the Capitol.  The kidnapped girls between the ages of 14 and 18 were forced into slavery (also known as marriage) with the unwed fighters in the Islamic army. Maliki thought that this was a necessary action given the fact that his fighters were so inept in bed that it was next to impossible for any of them to get dates outside of forced conscription.  The other reason the militants had difficulty getting dates (perhaps unknown to Maliki, but certain known to all of Maliki's wives) was that  Islamic extremists were "landias" which implies, according to my Hindi friends, that the fighters were not well endowed by Allah (whatever that means...lol).

Such was the unsightly state of events until one night, elite paratroops of the President's Zeroought Six Porpoise regiment led by Colonel nano-neurosurgeon Poindexter captured Maliki Maliki Pooh Bah in his tent and performed a cranial Godectomy surgery on the despot. The Godectomy surgery, in which all traces of the concept of God are removed permanently from the patient was a complete success.   Immediately after the surgery, Maliki Maliki disbanded his army and dedicated his life to improving life on his planet.   Some examples of his benevolent works in the coming decades included the construction of  numerous schools, universities, museums, libraries, and hospitals. His long life culminated in its last years by his leadership, together with his new Chinese friends, of the first manned scientific expedition to Alpha Centauri.

Maliki is survived by his loving wife Hilda (he had liberated his harem long ago) and  his sons Acbar and Knutehead.  

Tattoo You: Redux (Sarabi Armapali Susko v. Disney Studios, Inc.)

IN THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT OF THE NORTHERN DISTRICT OF CALIFORNIA


SARABI ARMAPALI SUSKO

V.

DISNEY STUDIOS, INC., THE WALT DISNEY TRUST (OR LACK THEREOF), AND BASICALLY ANY OTHER PERSON ASSOCIATED WITH WALT DISNEY WHO CAN COMPENSATE ME FOR THE ATROCITY PURVEYED UPON MY SKIN,

COMPLAINT AT LAW AND EQUITY

1.  Plaintiff is a citizen of the State of California and at all times in the distant past leading up to perhaps in the present has been the sweetest of women, honoring and obeying each and every one of her parents in all matters domestic and private.

2.  Defendants are citizens of the State of Delaware, and incorporated into the State of Same, doing business in all 50 States and around the world as an evil empire of banal and childish kitsch.

Count I--Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress

1.  Long ago, and in a Galaxy far away, the Plaintiff was an innocent and highly impressionable young woman  permeated with good intentions and unquestionable virtue.

2.  When in the course of Plaintiff's events, Plaintiff was confronted with numerous unwanted deleterious and otherwise ghastly movies authored by Defendant's and its evil minions, including but not limited to:  The Lion King, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, Pocahontas etc, etc, ad nauseaum.

3.  As a proximate result of repeated exposure to said movies, Plaintiff became a mindless zombie, blindly following the wishes of her intergalactic overseers otherwise known as Disney/Pixar/Enterprises.

4.  While a zombie, Plaintiff, against her will and against all sound judgment did then and there at various times subject her body to various touchings of needles and subcutaneous injections of industrial strength dye in a semi-artistic manner hereinafter referred to as "Tattoos."

5.  Further expressing her captivation under the spell of Defendants, Plaintiff did select or cause to be selected "Tattoos" depicting various scenes and characters authored by Defendants with the exception of the "Tattoo" of the word "Cunt" appearing on Plaintiff's right forearm.

6.  As a result of the administration of Tattoos while the Plaintiff was younger and impressionable, Plaintiff continues to experience severe, unrelenting, and permanent emotional distress.

Wherefore, Plaintiff prays that Defendants award her 1 "one" shitload amount of money, and for whatever additional relief justice may require.

Plaintiff demands trial by Jury of Twelve on Count I.

COUNT II--QUANTUM MERUIT/UNJUST ENRICHMENT.

1-6.   Plaintiff re alleges the allegations in Count I paragraphs 1-6 as and for the allegations of Count II paragraphs 1-6.

7.  As a result of the Tattoos secured by Plaintiff depicting various movies authored by Defendant, Defendant has received an abundance of free advertisements of its movies.

8.  Because of the abundance of advertising of Plaintiff and the fact that numerous other impressionable women have been influenced by the abundance of coolness emanating from Plaintiff, Defendant's sales within the Domestic and International Market have thereby became enhanced.

Wherefore, Plaintiff prays that Defendant forks over some of that cash that she's entitled to, and pay her way to Senegal next year.

Signed,

Sri Pseudopumpkin, Esq.
Attorney for the Plaintiff and other Downtrodden People
(except in real life)

I Work at a Factory all Day and I Make All Kinds of Things

but the one thing I don't make is sense.

Instead, I make copacetic accessories for a little boutique down on the Gaza strip.

But Bob, I get asked constantly, "I know you are copacetic and all, but are you really better off than you were a year ago?"

To which I inevitably respond, "Its not at all about the space time continuum.  Everything you think you know in life is actually controlled by Fifth Dimensional entities beyond our comprehension who sit all day on couches and watch endless reruns of the Andy Griffith show on TV land.   Indeed,  these Fifth Dimensional beings manipulated human evolution in order that not only was the Andy Griffith show created, but it was put into syndication.  Remember the Cuban Missile Crisis?  The Cold War?  Ever think about why humanity didn't destroy itself when it had the chance?  Well the answer my friend, is not blowing in the wind.  Instead, these Fifth Dimensional beings kept humanity from certain destruction in order than not only would the internet be created, but cable TV, Netflix, and an endless supply of 1950s TV reruns available to any and all couch potatoes in the world.   Indeed, as long as the Earth rotates around the Sun, no wonder what else happens to humanity, you can rest assured that Cable TV will be available and streaming on some sort of bandwidth that is easily accessible to our friends in the Fifth Dimension."

"In other words my friend," I tell them, with a certain amount of glee, "the question is not whether I'm better off, or what my country can do for me, but whether the goal in life should be to not only carpe diem, but to carpe carpum.  In other words, you have to seize life by the wrist, pull it off that goddamn couch, and turn that freaking TV off.    And by the way, my name is not Bob, its Dick.   I hate it when people call me Bob!"

The Earth Has Two Moons

The Earth has two moons.

And I have two minds.  The one mind which I think is real, has no substance.   The other mind which I cannot experience is more real that I can imagine.

Many moons ago, when humans looked up in the sky they could see two moons.  One moon was a ball of fire that provided light and heat and interfered with your eyes if you stared at it too long.  When that moon went away, another moon appeared, white, cold and dark.

The ball of fire was worshiped as no other god, concept or religious deity has ever been worshiped before or since.  Its benefits were immediate and tangible.  Its adherents could feel its glory directly warming their skin and souls.  It ceaselessly bestowed life upon the world with reservation.  Its glory was shared equally by all:   rich, poor, believers and non-believers alike.  This moon became the center of the universe, of all that was good on the Earth.

The other moon which appeared in the sky in what became known as night was shrouded in mystery.  It was to be feared.   For in the night, death came swiftly and brutally to the unprepared.

Then the sun god was dethroned by the clever humans.  The sun became just one of many natural events controlled by well defined scientific principles.  The sun no longer was the center of the universe,  denigrated to just one of a countless number of suns in the universe.  And so it goes.

But what does all this have to do with my mind?  The mind which I think is real is worshiped almost as intensely as the original Sun God.  I believe that it gives me everything I can know or perceive in the world around me.  How else can I perceive anything but for the access it provides me? 

But then the mind god was dethroned by the clever humans.   The mind is no longer the center of all that is known or can be known.  Instead, it resides in you and you and you.  Rock, Paper, Scissors.

The advantages of being a wall flower.   If only high school in wyoming were that cool, but I least I know all the music.  The dude from Iowa does not work out for the bird watcher.   Hopefully my sister will get the new job.  By the way, vintage port is kinda cool.....

Why My Penis Does Not Hurt When I Urinate

The fact that my penis does not hurt when I urinate is surely a function of good penis hygiene.

That, and only inserting it into specially approved and certified receptacles.

The certification process to become a specially approved receptacle is quite rigorous.

To begin with, the receptacle applicant must submit all applications in triplicate.  Now I know that a lot of penis' out there will accept applications in duplicate.   But experience has taught me that only two applications can lead to what is known as "double trouble."

The expression "double trouble" originated from the band of the same name associated with rock/blues guitar virtuoso Stevie Ray Vaughn in the late 1970s and early 1980s.  I want you to focus a moment on the name "Steve."  There are a plethora of rock musicians named Steve.   Think about it:   Steve Tyler of Aerosmith,  Steve Miller, Steve Winwood, Steve Wonder, Steve Perry (Journey), Steve Gaines (Lynyrd Skynyard), Steve Nicks, Steve Stills, Cat Stevens, Steve Adler (Guns and Roses), Shaking Stevens, Steve Mariott (Humble Pie), Sufjan Stevens, Little Stevens, Stephen Cochran, Steve Albini, Steven Tasker, Steven Morris (Joy Division), Steven Howe (Yes), and the list goes on and on and on.   So what does all this have to do with the hygiene of my penis?

Its very simple.  We all know that rock and roll is the instrument of the Devil.   Further, the name "Steve" is also a conjugation of the words "St." and "Eve".   In other words, "Steve" literally implies the belief that the Genesis figure of "Eve" was a Saint.   To carry this one step further, we all know from our biblical interpretation that Eve was the first protagonist of the Bible that made a deal with the Devil. As such, Eve can be considered in a conspiracy with the Devil to deprive "man" of good penis hygiene. Therefore, to avoid "Steve" and all forms of "double trouble" you must insist that all receptacles submit their application in triplicate.  The triplicate is analogous to the holy trinity of the father, the son, and the holy spirit.  That trio can extinguish any known penis infiltrate or sexually transmitted disease without difficultly.   Otherwise, you will be inserting you penis, literally and figuratively, into the Devil, which is not recommended.    

I get back from Colorado.  The whirles travel to London.  I learn to breath in the Decatur Library under a certain degree of adversity.  More things happen that I don't quite remember as I just returned from the Friedman's party listening to Brooke Thomas and the Blue Sons.  Average, but for the appearance of Don Julio.