The Fun Always Starts at 3 AM.

 I woke up with indigestion.  Maybe too much Kombucha.  Maybe H Pylori if I listen to some people.  I could not do my Sensate even, the feelings were too intense.  So I listened to this trauma release thing I found listening to a podcast.  And as the meditation moved down to what was the expansive green open prairie of my heart, (that was covered in grey clouds), which felt very good by the way, I moved down to my midsection which was the source of my discomfort.

My midsection was yellow corresponding with the Chakra.  The audio invited me to find and listen to the inner child, and the younger me quickly emerged in some sort of forest.  I felt and listened to the inner me, the five year old me and I felt that the child wanted to come with me and not be alone.  Tears sprung up.  I realized that this was the valuable voice and I felt it on an energetic level, its pain, its irrationality, its tears.  I talked to the younger me and encouraged me to come along, and I assured me that I would take care of me.  I asked me to show me what I was missing.  This is the voice I have been missing.  And I remembered a time at the old Shop and Save on South Grand and I was there during the time that I was married and having panic attacks.  And the child told me that I did not listen to it then. We were in the video room of the store and something happened that I don't remember that upset me.

Then my uncle Johnnie (the ex-Priest) emerged.  And I felt him on an energetic level.  And at some level I had the feeling that I was accessing my ancestral trauma.  Those are the words that came to mind.  And I remembered that we used to wrestle when I was very young.  I should talk to my parents about that.  And about the neighbors that allegedly abused Uncle Johnnie when he was young.  And the pain that issue inflicts on my father.   I tapped into that last night, the Kokal collective emotion associated with that.

This time of pause has been an opportunity to go into some things that normally i have not addressed, and shrugged off.  Shrugged off for decades.  And this feeling in my midsection, that western doctors would want to numb and make comfortable, is a symptom of the deep energies swirling that are inviting me to go into them.

The Wide Open Prairie

 In my dream AEH was retiring.  In real life, my perception is that he is the hardest working attorney who has devoted his life to his job.  As opposed to me, for example.  Dream time AEH was somewhat upset with me.  I was leaving to go back home or somewhere and I was not driving.  I'm not sure how I was getting home, walking, or otherwise.  It was going to take a long time and it was getting dark.  I was in some urban setting initially, and there was an African American man near where I was wearing glasses and Adrian's admonition that I should be driving home aroused my fear of the African American man.   Something like the path I was on was not safe.  Then I was outdoors riding a skateboard on wide open spaces.  I realized that it was going to take a long time to get to my destination and that I was taking the long difficult way and perhaps I should change my course in the future.  This has been a recurring dream with me lately, how I am riding a bike or walking in wide open spaces, not driving a car.  

Though in the dream I was critical of myself for not driving, as I am typing this, I am grateful for not taking the well trodden path of AEH and others.  I have been taking to long way home.  Of course, AEH has a home.  I don't.  Not literally, anyway.  More on that later.   Perhaps I have something, some path more open and aligned to the infinite nature of what this existence is.  More expansive, but more empty at times.  And it this 3 weeks post COVID existence, the withdrawal from life has brought forth an emptiness of new possibilities.

Knife Throwers

 I was interacting with this person or group of people who appeared to be wielding some sort of power.  They also threw knives.  Then I understood that one of them was actually somebody they killed with a knife, and then one of them reanimated his body.  I didn't find that out until it was some time into the dream.  It seems that this ability to keep killing people and then reanimating them made them sort of immortal.  In any event, in the dream, I was afraid of them and called them out.  They reappeared and different points in my dream, always throwing knives at me.  None of them were big knives, but I remember putting up barriers between me and knives so that the knives would not hit me. Most of them were like razors.   There was also something about a dog.

If I go into this dream with the perspective that each one of the characters in the dream are trying to tell me something, that I am either resisting or listening to, I feel that the knife throwers are suggesting that part of me needs to die (literally to be cut away), for something else to be born.  I may be resisting what is going to take over, and think that it is evil.  But it nevertheless may be the eternal power or energy that is always in me always taking new shape.   And I keep resisting it.  But little by little the little knives keep coming at me throughout my day.  

Just got a covid test, by the way.  I feel imbalanced through this entire week.  Like I have been avoiding something.   And refusing to go into the loneliness of the farmhouse at night.   But it beckons my friend.  And speaking of healing dialogues, i need to have one with myself...lol