Embrace Everything, Even That

We all die everyday, lots of times, with each breath exhaled.  I'm not sensing that yet.  I tend to push away thoughts of death, except when I remember.   I can feel death coming on in cycles, not so much daily, but monthly, maybe like cycles of the moon.  But when I feel that end coming, by exploring it and not blowing it off, it opens up into some unexpected perception.  I can almost feel the new neuronal connections being made.

The trick is to embrace it.  Everything.  Its coming up for a reason.  Even the thoughts of stress or pain want to show you something.  I went into something last night and my consciousness literally split into something like a three fold awareness.  There was some sort of Daemon outside of me something closer in, and my body like a ground.  I remember shifting to each of them--I wanted to find out if one of them was some sort of intuitive self, or if the Daemon was else was just a mechanical reactive ego.  I hope they visit me again some time soon. My sense of it was the the self outside of my body was pure action, like fire.  The in-between part was something like earth, and my body, especially my vertebrae was something like water.  But who knows.  I am formally inviting them back tonight with a formal invitation.

But there is the point.  What comes up for you, this new and exciting part, can only be experienced by seeing what's there in the present moment.  In other words, I'm not sure my new found friends are going to accept or even be aware of my invitation.  We shall see.

Speaking of which, I asked the Bagginses the other day what it had in its pockets, and there was a bauble of Edgar Allen Poe.  How preciousness...:-).

Getting Through the Tough Part

I was in Costa Rica.  I had dropped out of American society.

I was in a bathroom.  I had some sort of massager.  My dad was there and I wanted to massage his back somehow.  Maybe his root chakra.  So I did.  Woo woo was there, talking too much as usual.  I wanted to to something with them, but it didn't happen for some reason.

Then there was something about an event called "China Grove" on something like that on Facebook.   Like the old Doobie Brothers song.   I didn't check in to the event but went.  It was in a crowded dark and dirty shack.  There were many native Costa Ricans there crowded in a small room.  And I remember thinking that this was China Grove.  I remember thinking it was an Ayahuasca ceremony, but remember being afraid it was a heroin ceremony because of the sordid feeling of the place.   Then I saw a mason jar and it was filled with Ayahuasca.  I reached down and picked it up and nodded approvingly to the spanish man who was leading the ceremony.  He asked me if I trusted him, and I said "yes" because I did at the time.

And I had the feeling that we both knew this was going to be an incredible difficult experience.  We talked about it.  Somebody came in who was going to sing.  And there was something about a blonde woman that was waiting for me if I could get through this night.  This was the destiny, like something foretold.  I don't remember the ceremony ever beginning.

Something I Have Forgotten Along the Way

I ask to remember what I am.

 I get that I am born here on this little spec of dust in the vast infinitude.  But its almost like a cosmic joke.  I'm forgetting something.   I keep having glimpses of it every now and then.  Some big fucking elephant in the room that I can't see because I'm caught in the spell of this incarnation.  But every now and then a little crack appears and I remember something else.  And it quickly fades.

I have been asleep too long.  I have forgotten too much.

I ask to remember what I am.

When I dream, you can reveal it to me. 

And I resolve not to run away.  Despite the fact that it will turn everything I know on its head.

At least for awhile....LOL

We are All Node People Serving as Vessels of The Divine

Ever notice that anyone who believes in reincarnation always believes in some past life they were a Pharaoh, or Cleopatra, or they were a famous artist or died in some glorious battle.  What if in a past life we were an insect, or a tree?

I remember Stan Grof writing in one of his books that he and his wife (or ex-wife Joan Halifax) had had other relationships in past lives as other people.  They were always important historical figures.  I sometimes have the feeling that people in this life who enter and leave it also crossed paths with me in a past life, or will play a more important role in a future life.  One ex-girlfriend told me this directly.

I wonder how many former Cleopatra's or Kings I have met or know in this incarnation.  The answer may be quite a few.  But before I get there, let me digress first.

Now for the digression.  In Christian mysticism, the exalted state of sorts is to be a vessel of the divine.  See Acts 9:15, 2 Timothy 2:21.

The prayer of Mother Teresa is to be a vessel to receive the lord.

End Digression.

Here is my intuition:  We are all vessels.  Nodes on a unimaginatively vast network.  If our vessel is pure and clean and uncluttered we can receive different aspects of the divine.  We can pray/ask/manifest to receive some aspects.  But we are not discrete entities.  Different manifestations of the divine, be them beings or something beyond our comprehension enter us or leave us all the time, and not just in dreams.  What they are acting out or doing in us is a great mystery.  This is not an excuse for us to abandon our self responsibility.  Indeed, to some degree, we can invite and therefore control the energies which can come into us.

So where does this leave us?  I don't really know.  I only sense that whatever energy was Cleopatra all those years ago, that divine archetype, whatever you want to call him or her may still be kicking around.  You may have met an aspect of them today.  And she may still be smoking hot.  Or playing at being a man today.  You never know.

Choose wisely my friend.  And when I say friend, you are unimaginably more vast that I could ever imagine, so I better treat your ass well, whoever you are.  lol

Fun With Bill and Wendy and The Devil's Yoga

Come to think of it, everything manifested in this life is a form of conjuring.  This building I'm in, the office, getting through law school, the sign that says "Freddy's Steakburgers."  Now I know there are many people doing all sorts of shamanic drugs trying to find their vision and conjuring this and that.  But its all right in front of them.  Or is it?  Is the work on this material plane so to speak, different than the work in the drug induced haze?

And of course there was a shaman addicted to pornography that allegedly was a sexual predator involved with the ayahuasca at Rhythmia while I was there..  And it might be him that is the dispassionate gatekeeper that I see in my drug induced haze.

But enough of that.  I was reprogrammed in Wisconsin over the weekend.  And I do feel connected to all this landscape around me.  And not separate.

Now for the dreams:

I was with a group of men that were armed and shooting at each other in some sort of deadly game. I did not have a gun because I represented pure Yage somehow.  Of course, the sexual predator I referred to above was associated with serving Yage as well.  He was also involved in this dream, I was at his house.  But I don't remember in the dream what happened there.  

But the shooting was real.  And even though I was pure Yage, I do not know if that protected me or not.  The group kept getting smaller.  We were running in and out of forests.  They were after something, it might have been me, it might have been something else.  I don't remember. This dream was definitely in relation to the Devil's Yoga book. 

Then I was playing on a baseball team.  As a player and as a coach.  There was a racial disturbance.  I was white, then I was the older black manager.  I remember something to do with the younger black players upset about vanilla ice cream, and something about black ice cream.  And me as the older black manager turning to the white manager who was also me saying, "this is not something that I can relate to."  I was the white manager talking to a white slugger who was also kind of dwarfish.  I am not exactly sure what was going to happen, but he was gong to help a child who was ill.