Ceremony #8: The Dark Side

This was intended to be the ceremony to encounter the dark side.   It was not clear in the days and weeks leading up to the ceremony whether the ceremony would actually take place owing to the controversial subject matter.  First it was on, then it was off, then it was back on at the church.  Then it was on at Avatotemic.  Then it was back at the Church.  Then it was off.  Then it occurred at Avatotemic.  So there.

The medicine began to affect me on the ride over.  Zach told me it could be like that.  Maybe it began affecting me the night before.  I did not sleep then, but maybe I did, and it was dreamless.  Maybe I worried about what the ceremony would bring.  On the ride over, when we stopped in St. Louis having learned that the ceremony was cancelled (that is, before it was on again), and Sandstar warned me that the medicine for this ceremony was especially strong (something about a 100 year old vine), I entered medicine space and remembered my fourth night at Rhythmia where I had the vision that my current life was something like a dream.  Part of my fear in that realization was the thought that even my daughters were dreams.  I am still processing (integrating) this.  The habit of my belief that I have something in this life that is real and tangible is strong.   And my fear that I am losing something if my ego dissolves is understandable--even though I know at some level that I will come back after the vision is over.  For the medicine is a bridge to this medicine space.   And I have faith that the bridge runs in both directions.

After we all put on our costumes, the fun began. We growled and snarled and yelled at it other with animal intensity.  One of the more interesting practices that Sandstar and Metastar had in store for us was holding up a mirror to a partner to evoke the darkness of the person looking into the mirror.   The person holding the mirror was tasked with articulating the weaknesses and imperfections of the person gazing into the mirror. Sandstar held the mirror up to me and proceeded to berate me with a wide variety of criticisms, intentionally designed to expose my weaknesses.  However, most of these criticisms missed their mark.  I am generally harder on myself than anything he was throwing at me.   Additionally, I had the sensation that what he was saying about me were his own projections rather than anything about me.

Next, I took the mirror and started to probe what I expected to be his weaknesses. In reality, I am impressed with the world and practices of his life.  It is not everyone that has built his castle with his own hands and the sweat of his own labor.  Nevertheless, it was with a kind of perverse sort of pleasure that I sought to undercut all that he had accomplished.  Some of my criticisms I noticed seemed to hit a nerve with him and caused a reaction.   Part of me wanted to turn away from this pursuit and tell him how much I really admired and supported him, but that seemed contrary to this exercise.  In the end, whatever power or energy I derived from this activity was not empowering.  The medicine showed me that this energy was negative, and left me feeling sick and nauseous.
It was interesting that although I thought this exercise was intended to create darkness in the person looking into the mirror, for me, the person holding the mirror pointing out weaknesses created more darkness in himself than the other person.  I wondered how far this darkness would extend.  I imagined that the force of self-criticism would also create a similar nauseous feeling to the recipient.  And the medicine showed me how I had been the recipient of that darkness throughout my life.  I recalled numerous events in high school and college where I had cut myself off from life by avoiding social interactions such as parties and interactions with women and how I had concocted an elaborate web of self deception to justify my actions which were in reality nothing more than shyness.  I saw how that dynamic continues to effect me currently, albeit in the opposite direction, where I feel incomplete if I am not engaged in social interaction.

In the end, if darkness is the flip side of the light, I still feel hesitant about practices designed to encourage the growth of darkness.  I am aware of beliefs that the force of darkness gives the recipient energy.  I am not sure.  My gut tells me the light is more than enough and contains the darkness, just as white light contains all the colors of the spectrum.  And black is the absence of any of the energy of light.  In this way, for me, hell is not the flip side of heaven, or the yang to the yin of heaven.  No, for me hell is the absence of heaven, hell is the absence of God.  Hell is the absence of light.  It is cold.  I am warm blooded.  I need a jacket.  And a blanket, preferable fluffy and comfortable.  And ear plugs.  And nightshades.  And you know where to put the cork.