Editors Note: So the author finished the sesshin (left early of course), and today feels like the following is just unnecessary and might not be suitable for posting. But low and behold, I must have decided otherwise, probably because its all me and its all good, and that I don't filter the freak flag. So if you are reading this, that is probably what I likely decided. I feel so much empathy for everyone right now -- and the following dialogue is like an echo of some past pain. In fact it is an echo of past pain. I hope for strength to make me and all Doodle Vector's happy and whole, and my heart reaches out to everyone. May my somatic practice be strong and may I have faith when the sensations are just too much. As I wade into deeper waters, may this be a reminder to slow down, feel your breath and heart extending outward as an extension of what I am and what the universe is, universal breath and love:
And now, I bring you....the past baggage.
A Confidant (AC): So, what's this I hear that you have been sending letters out to DV again. I thought you got over that business?
Our Protagonist (OP): No, I haven't. I still can't let it go for some reason. I'm trying to find some closure. I'm trying to make sense of it all. I'm trying to listen to my feelings and express them, so I sent the letter. Maybe it wasn't such a great idea in retrospect.
AC: I'm sure it wasn't. Send it to me.
(Here is the letter which was sent):
"This may not make any sense, but I feel like there was a transaction between us that never took place that needed to. Maybe it's just an intuition I have now seeing what I am in some situations. In any event, I am now offering myself to you to be devoured. May it bring you strength and healing.
I'm only speaking in metaphors of course. This is as much for me, maybe more so, than it is for you. I have never been a fan of cannibalism LOL Have a good day:-)"
AC: What the hell is that letter supposed to mean? She'll just hurt you. You'll never heal and open...and achieve what it's really like to be open. I feel sorry for what may happen to you. Hopefully, it'll work out to your dreams and desires according to your "story".
OP: You may be right. But it might be that deep down inside, what I am is a healer. That's the metaphor I was trying to convey. I can never heal until I heal others around me. I need that closure. I need to give myself fully to them. After all, there is really nothing to me. I am empty. Its the least I can do. Don' t you remember you told me that you could never come back to me because there really was nothing there. That I was an empty vessel and you needed someone more substantial. Well, I am not substantial. That's why I can be devoured and be whole again. That's what I was trying to get across. Then again, maybe I'm projecting my inability to heal myself as a need to heal others.
AC: You are crazy. Don't you remember what your old friend John McGinnis told you. " If you are Yogi, I am BooBoo." He was just trying to tell you that you are too hard on yourself. You are not a Yogi. You are not Jesus or whatever the hell you were symbolizing in that letter. You take everything too seriously. It's very simple Mike. She lied to you. She can't ever talk to you about it now can she? She was just manipulating you the whole time. Further, don't start believing things about yourself. Belief is dukkha. Belief is suffering. Its the first noble truth. Just feel your body sensations. You know the practice. Just do it!
OP: I overreacted. I always do. Whatever she was hiding, I probably could have taken it. If she just could have shared it with me. Whatever it was she was hiding from me. And I know she really did love me. Perhaps I was the one who was not ready to receive love. In any event, she still was a great teacher to me. Showing me where I am stuck in my life. Unearthing old pains. She was a gift. She brought out the best and worst in me.
AC: Bullshit. She brought out the worst in you to be sure. Maybe not so much the worst but your old insecurities. And she knew just right where to hit you.
OP: I thought it was clear from my text that I was only speaking in metaphors.
I'm beginning to make some sense of the entire thing. Let me run this by you: when we started, everything was fine, we were just having fun. Its what we were comfortable with. I remember thinking that in a way it was sort of unique for me at least that we didn't have any real connection almost other than "fun" and "silly". I remember thinking how strange that was, for me at least. I could never really read her. But she was always there for me, always supporting me. She knew I was lonely. She made me feel special, like I was the most important thing in her life in someways. It was so different to my other relationship with M.
AC: And why is it that you don't think you didn't have a deep connection with her? She was just telling you what you wanted to hear. You know in retrospect that you weren't that special to her and that she probably has difficulties with intimacy. When you became closer to her, she became more insecure, didn't she? What do you think that is a signal of? This won't end well for you, think about it. You crave intimacy. She will become insecure and seek escape in other pursuits. You will not be able to handle her other interests. You have plenty of attachment issues as well. Trust me. You two would end up hurting each other very bad. I feel it.
OP: I'm sure you are right, but I fantasize about her showing empathy for me. Of coming to me and taking care of me. Of wanting to be with me instead of showing me distance and bitterness. And I think I was special to her in a way. Her therapist probably told her that she needed a nice guy. She went through a selection process from other candidates and decided on me at the end. LOL. So maybe i'm just trying to heal myself by being the healer.
AC: Mike, think about this. You went back to her in good faith. She asked you what you wanted from her and you told her "everything." This was not without great thought on your part. You moved out from M. You came to her naked, honest, ready to start a life with her. You were trembling like a child. You told her how happy you were. Don't you remember that?
OP: Yes, and it turned out that she was involved in another relationship. Which she didn't share with me until I moved out from M and was in bed with her. Not a good move on her part. She just didn't get the extent of my feeling toward her at that time. Bad timing. I should have waited and just been more patient.
AC: Exactly. It might just have been bad timing. Maybe she was just afraid of being alone again. But then there is the business of her and her husband and all the other men. What was that all about? Even if you were hypothetically to get back together with her, how do you know that wouldn't happen to you? See what you don't see Mike is that the problem is not you. Not the way I see it. You can be in a loving relationship. We know this. You are not going to be able to change her. She lacks the confidence in herself evidently to have real intimacy. To deal with problems constructively instead of fleeing to the backseat of someone else's car. You were over your head big time. You are naive. You are open and trusting. You should not be with someone dealing with real hurt in self destructive ways. They will bring you down with them.
OP: Or I can heal them. Everything you say about her also applies to me. We are both cowards. And we are probably both bleeding, or at least I am. We both probably have problems with intimacy.
AC: I'm not so sure. Well I don't really know her, but you are not a coward. You probably, if anything, confront everything, probably to excess. She would have a difficult time dealing with you because you would probably make her explore parts of herself that would be troubling and scary.
OP: So why shouldn't I try to help her?
AC: You could, but are you really strong enough to do that? Especially if your security blanket were taken away? What is your attraction to this woman anyway? With all the women on this planet, why not find someone who is loving and caring? Like you are, well some of the time anyway. Haven't you already found such a woman who also needs you help? That you can talk to, that you can share stuff with? That you can reason with? You should appreciate what you have.
OP: If I have it.
AC: Well, that's another issue for you to explore. That you should be exploring now anyway instead going back to this source of conflict for you.
OP: I know I know. You are right. And its not like I can do anything anyway. She won't return my texts. So I should just give up, you think? Why do i feel so depressed? I feel like everything I do still revolves around her. So many interwoven thread of pain, desire, conflict, loss, regret, love, and the love for M.
AC: You are just grieving. Maybe someday you heart will open up and you will experience closure. I'm sure it will. Probably from external means because you seem intent on wallowing in your own shit.
OP: Always have, always will.
AC: Don't beat yourself up for not being strong. In a way, she robbed you of your strength by misrepresenting to you what was going on with her. She told you what you wanted to hear, but you probably knew at some level she was lying. I read your blogs. You were confused because your instincts told you one thing, while she was telling you another. This created a conflict with you, and weakness. She wanted you to be strong, but she took away your strength. Again, not your fault. Take it easy on yourself. So how is the music show?
OP: Did I tell you I was the only white person here listening to this rap show? Did I tell you about my mystical state last night at 4 am?
AC: No, but I'm sure you will.
