One now lives in New York City and works for Goldman Sachs. She hasn't seen me since law-school. After she shared the story of the trials and tribulations of her various adventures since she knew me, and the multitude of her current adventures, she expressed shock about what I had been up to for the last ten years or so.
"What happened to you Mike? I remember you as being the quiet shy intense guy who was perfectly content being alone with myself in his basement apartment playing his guitar and reading."
She never knew how much I hated that guy. The old me. How ashamed of him I was. How much I now never want to be that guy again. I put so much distance between myself and that Mike that even though that old Mike probably had redeeming features I want absolutely none of it.
And its not like I can really get away from him. But because I have neglected him for so long he has morphed into something else. Something that when I'm alone at night visits me in my sleep, wakes me up and makes me feel so empty. Something that is destroying all my relationships now with his need, his anger, his jealousy, his pain.
The old Mike had a difficult time connecting to people. Especially women. He always felt like an outsider because he was always the one without a girlfriend. The one his friends stopped trying to set up.
I don't want to be alone with the old Mike. He scares me. I don't want to turn into him again. Old Mike never had a women. So if I have a woman, I am not the old Mike via simple logic. And you know how much I like simple logic.
But it is more than logic. It is a gut feeling. The presence of a woman, the right woman in the right relationship will fill me up and make the old Mike go away. Therein lies the rub, for its difficult to sustain the right woman in the right relationship so that I can continue to obtain the emotional connection with her to keep the old Mike at bay. And women are not stupid. They want someone to love them. Not be emotionally attached to them. Well some of them anyway.
Old Mike existed alot in his head. He had a hard time connecting with people. And a mind left to itself without connections to the outside world is an accident waiting to happen. Its fragile. Very fragile.
So in the words of Vladimir Lenin, "What is do be Done?" What is your simple plan? What is the simple logic? At the Art show at the Black Sheep last Friday I was once again reminded of the fact that there is beauty and music all around me. All I have to do it reach out from the confines of my mind and I will make the necessary connections. I can connect with the entire world and lessen the burden on any individual woman.:-)
Additionally, feel all those past selves still living in you. Reach out to them. Love them. Make space for them. Not just them but all the selves you see around you. Make that your practice. Its what you are tying to do anyway, so just get to it.
And of course, I just need to lighten up about this, don't I? If I can put all this energy I have into something more constructive than creating artificial dichotomies, then maybe I would get somewhere. For example, exactly where I am right now instead of creating all these ideas about myself and my past and my current relationships.
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