Remembrances of Things Present--And an Earnest Reminder for the Future,Got that Dumbfuck? LOL (Updated Yet Again)

Memories are a complex phenomena.  They exist side by side with the truth, marching together in an uncomfortable dance.

When memories are taken as truth, they go unquestioned.  This may lead to fixed assumptions, all or nothing thinking, which may have unintended consequences on future decisions.  It may lead to poor decision making.  Or indecisiveness.

In my world, as I have recently experienced, there is a deep part of Mike that probably knows the truth.  This deep part of Mike probably has an accurate recollection of not only historical events, but probably has a fairly good instinctual and intuitive read on people.  This deep part has truthful memories.

Then there is the day to day Mike, who is sort of groping along with things.  The day to day Mike thinks he knows what the truth is, but his fixed assumptions about the past, and about other people can be inconsistent with reality.  Left to his own devices, the day to day Mike is generally indecisive if his version of the truth (and memories) are inconsistent with the real version of the truth from the deep part of Mike.  In other words, indecisive, equivocal, vacillating Mike is a state where his day to day truth is inconsistent with his deep version of the truth.  And therein lies the kicker, for the deep version of the truth has a very quiet and subtle voice.  By contrast, the day to day Mike can be loud and obnoxious.  And an asshole.  And insensitive.  And inattentive.  He can ignore the voice of his inner promptings.   Still, the day to day Mike generally is not stupid.  Hopefully in the future he will recognize that where there is some sort of indecisiveness, he needs to slow down and pay attention to his inner voice.

This reminder is not made without a great deal of seriousness.   For the first time in a very long time, I have begun to sober up.  And this has nothing to do with wine. For the past six months I have been slowly killing myself in a variety of ways.  For when the inner voice is ignored for a prolonged period of time, or where the day to day Mike is operating under a profound delusion, the inner voice will start to shut things down.  I do not understand this process.  I only know that I have experienced it.   It started slowly at first.   But let me tell you the ending before I start.  The ending is that I was saved from my delusion by two people.  One who saved me out of of genuine concern and intimate knowledge of what I was doing to myself.  When she found out her immediate reaction was, "has anyone told Mike about this?   She did this after I broke her heart.   Several times.  Bless her heart.  She knows I'm a sensitive nut.  Shit, I'm even trying to write poetry.   And sure, I like to have fun and have a little wine, and lose myself in the dance, but not with that kind of edge to it.  Where people start to get hurt, my fun stops in a heart beat.  So she called me over to her house and sat me down and told me she had something important to tell me.  I still remember the gravity of her delivery.  The racing of my heart.  It was something like when Cindy called me the other day after texting me to call her right away.  Cindy's first words were "there has been an accident."  From then on everything was in slow motion until Cindy completed the sentence "involving my father."

 The other who saved me did the right thing without knowing about it.  He didn't know me, evidently.  But at least he shared the information with someone who did.  Without their outside intervention, who knows where I would be today.  That is the ending.

To describe the beginning and the middle, I'm going to be a little obtuse.  This is personal after all.  It involved a complete indecision and vacillation between two women.  There was no resolution of the indecision.  Indeed, there could not be a resolution.  Because in retrospect, one had reign over the day to day Mike.  The other ruled the deep part.  As I have said above, you know how that will end.

I was saved.  Like a flash of lightning,  the truth was revealed about one of the women.  Maybe not so much the truth, but the fact that I had been deluded about her.  The truth didn't really matter.  Hell the hippie chick probably dwarfed her with her adventures.  But at least that was all out in the open.  I knew what I was getting into.  When the delusion was lifted, it all made sense.  Memories came back to me that I had suppressed.   I likely was being blamed for her inability to honestly share and address her pain.  Easier to lash out that to feel what is within.  And I was susceptible to that line of attack.  And of course, I had no problem sharing my pain because everything to me matters in large amounts.  I'm on the drama team.  I'm a star performer.  lol   And you can block me only so many times after calling me "emotionally abusive" for sharing what amounted to my hurt that I begin to get the message.  If there is a problem with me, it was a problem for me in that relationship. But we will have to save that dynamic for another day.  I don't blame her at all.  I have not walked a mile in her moccasins.  And her husband could have been a monster.  But what was important for me is that my inner voice gained its voice.  And I stopped killing myself.  At least for now.

Somebody Saved Me by Pete Townshend (edited)

I stood at the door beside her
But she wouldn't let me pass
I was such a bore and I lied to her
I said I didn't really want her ass
I went away in the mud and rain
The gang became snide and laughed
I was slayed, but I smiled and the pain
Began to subside at last

And when I got back to my hotel
I wondered if the thunder meant I'd landed in hell
And on the forecourt I slipped and fell
I cracked my stupid head and I heard a bell
I thought, hey

Somebody saved me, it happened again
Somebody saved me, I thank you my friend
Somebody saved me, from a fate worse than heaven
'Cause if I'd had her for just an hour
I'd have wanted her forever
Somebody saved me

You would have thought that I'd have learned
Twenty years ago or more
A beautiful girl raised her mouth and yearned
But I didn't know what lips were for
I ran away in the mud and rain
The weather here is never too bright
She'd had an affray with her man and came
For solace and the means to fight

She finally bored with seducing me
And took up with some geezer from the Ealing scene
It nearly killed him like it would've killed me

But somebody saved me, it happened again
Somebody saved me, I thank you my friend
Somebody saved me, from a fate worse than heaven
'Cause if I'd had her for just an hour
I'd have wanted her forever

I don't know about guardian angels
All I know about's staying alive
I can't shout about spiritual labels
When little ones die and big ones thrive

All I know is that I've been making it
And there've been times that I didn't deserve to
Every show there's been more faking it
But right at the point of no return

Somebody saves me, again and again
Somebody saves me, I thank you my friend
Somebody saves me, from a fate worse than heaven
'Cause if I blew it for a single moment
I'd blow it forever
But somebody saves me

I took up the connection once
Made me feel quite aloof
I never could queue to collect my lunch
While I was pursuing the truth
So I left my folks in the mud and rain
It always rains in Sunnyside Road

Ruben and Cherise and my Guardian Angel Kroeter