Saturday, May 6, 2017

Points of LIght/non-Light, May 3- 5 because Journaling would be a good idea according to the dude who listened to me ramble for well over an hour before I got the message when I saw him furtively look at the clock on the office wall

At work during the normal time of non-light around 11 where it always hits because my blood sugar is low or whatever, you know the time, where it all feels like it falls apart, but especially this time because now I have those sensations in the back of my skull that I imagine signal the onset of a new chemical imbalance in my brain and I think, now it begins, embrace the change, befriend you demons, they are leading you to growth, while on the other side I think what am I doing? this is not therapeutic, etc. etc. you know the drill, this is the dynamic, but any way, all this was interrupted by a text from Lellis, about the fact that all the Rotary people should proceed to the Illinois times, or at least those without preexisting lunch plans because Lo there is a Hy-Vee food truck on the premises because its Cinco de Mayo week,  so without delay because my lunch plans only involve being alone which is of course referrant to the preexisting condition above that dynamic going on that I need to embrace the loneliness for growth vs the "what are you doing" not healthy dynamic, so I take the former and socialize at which point I arrive and am greeting by a big hug and "I'm glad you came"etc and life is once again all rainbows and unicorns then it gets even better because I meet by chance one of my new poetry group besties Shatriya and It feels again like I have community and non loneliness and that all is good.   And then the conversation with the Hy-Vee manager and learn that it is none other than Julia  formerly of Julias kitchen in the food truck and that's why the fish tacos are so good and behold what F. Farrar is eating looks even better because it involves collard greens wrapped in some sort of port belly and looks way artistic.

And then it is discussed how I found out about the event and I make everybody laugh by commenting that I do everything that Lellis tells me to do which goes over well with her boss Fletcher because after all he is paying her to market and the fact that I follow her orders is a good indicia of her employment skills and then I feel good having killed two stones with bird by generating laughter and praise at the same time.  So this would be a high point.   I have decreed it to be so.

So then there continues to be the ongoing internal conversation involving moving and storage, especially storage of the wine which by the way I haven't touched in awhile having set on this course of self discovery, And as I arrange and move and plan the above mentioned dynamic returns to the refrain of "on the road again" to "road to nowhere" which I wonder if this little endeavor of self discovery is indeed therapeutic to wit, that those with anxiety do no benefit from being shut off and alone but function better in groups, versus, the need to face and befriend the inner demons and not keep avoiding them.

Then I am on a bike, and then I am at a winery, and then I get sad news upon sad news from the owners and wish I can help, and maybe I already have.   Poor things, all of them.  May they all be well and may all these storms pass them over or at least give them a fucking break.  Can you hear that?  Give them a fucking break storms!  Pass them over I say!

And then I am in a car late to my work thing in bloomington and then I am late for the dinner and I walk in when Tim is speaking and its somewhat embarrassing and a reminder that I don't fit in, which is reinforced initially by my table mates that I don't have anything in common with these people but then I remember my little mantra from the last Zen sesshin that all is god, and I remember that these people and my thoughts about them are all god and that I am god intoxicated and then my little darkness returns to light and i remember that all these people are me and we are just one big fucking happy family and all is well and all is good and then I think that I must blog about this and be more specific about what I mean by God so this is your reminder to do that dude.

And then the conversation from the Bible belt leads to discovery that one of the bible thumpers is actually an obsessive marathon runner, way obsessive to be precise, and there is a certain repoire developed as we talk about bulletproof things and gut microbiome things, you know the usual stuff that I am into these days.  And have been into

And then I continue to have long conversations with people who keep coming out of the wood work and I learn that it is not just me with a chakra imbalance, it is the world.  And then I go to sleep.  And did I mention that I have not been sleeping well?   Then I need to buy one of those slide locks and put it on the door so noone gets in at night.  Or a dog to protect me.

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