Playing the Part of the Victim Badly, Rated EM

If we have to pick roles, please let me have the silly one.  I can do silly.  Sometimes when I am locked in the embrace of the silly, I feel like I can do silly 24-7, Mon-Sunday, holidays included.  Just give me brief periods to catch my breath and I will continue with the silly.  I can continue with the silliness until you almost think I'm being obsessively silly, but if you look very closely you will see that I stopped just short of being obsessively silly, planted my pole vault down and then leaped beyond the region of obsessively silly which circularly then becomes extremely silly.   Think Monty Python.

These last few months I have been self-cast in a serious role.   And it has been bringing me down, Bruce.

My sweet lord Jesus Mohammed Brahman Atman Quetzalcoatl  Hari Krishna Vishnu Black Elk Odin please don't cast me in the role of the serious.   I can't pull it off.   I get bogged down in it.  I will bring everyone down around me in the quagmire of seriousness.   I will be the King of Drama and insist that all yield to my domain.  Trust me, if you cast me in the serious role, it will be a box office disaster.   It will make a B movie look like an academy award winner.   And I don't care how sultry the woman co-star is in the trailer or promo photos it is a movie that no one, I mean no one will want to see or much less want to participate in.  The only hope for me in a serious role is that you cast me as a martyr and then kill me off in the opening scene and hope that the entire audience hasn't left yet.  

Any movie with me playing a serious role would have to have a new rating system.   Not PG or R, but EM:  Excessively Maudlin, with the necessity of the audience signing a release based on informed consent that what they are about to see may cause headache, nausea, disdain, repulsion and disgust.  

If I were cast in the serious role what would be the soundtrack?  Certainly something melodramatic, sappy.  Think of a group with the vibe of Air Supply crossed with Nick Drake combined with the belief that they are serious suffering artists worthy of our sympathy.  Any suggestions?

The only way I think I could survive a serious role is if they hired a special assistant during the shooting of the movie to continually give me a jolt of electricity or whack on my back with a keisaku stick to remind me to "snap out of it you idiot.  Stop being a victim and wallowing in your own self pity.  What the fuck.  You have everything going for you.  Why are you fucking doing this to yourself.? Shape up buttercup,  or I will sick the little ruv on you."

P.S.  if you do cast me in the serious role again, please case Virginia Madsen or Chani with me.  #justsaying