The Shit That Robert Says

The only thing worse than having a vast international conspiracy controlling everything is where there is no conspiracy, and by extension, fundamentally no meaning behind any activity that takes place.   The lack of a conspiracy, and the concomitant lack of external control, means that we are truly free. Freedom is the scariest concept yet invented by humans.

To counteract the horror of freedom, the Book was created.  Everything that has ever happened, or ever will happen is written in the Book.  The descriptions contained in the book are comprehensive. The explanations thorough.  There is nothing that exists that is not written in the Book.  The Book is the repository of all information about the human race.

There are those that believe that such a Book exists and will do anything to possess it.  For them, the book is the ultimate conspiracy.  To possess the book represents the ultimate power on earth.  A vast shadow empire hides the book from the rest of humanity.

Robert believes in the book.  His belief in the Book also bestows upon him, as we will discuss below, in an inordiante amount of shit (fecal matter).

Robert had a normal life as a realtor before the transformation when it all fell apart.  If you look closely in his eyes you can still see the realtor there, selling homes.  Helping people.  Raising a family with a loving wife.   But now Robert's eyes are now shrouded by long hair to effect the persona of a spiritual seeker.  He seeks the Book.  He knows that it exists and accounts for all his problems.  If he can only sufficiently cleanse himself through arcane rituals, he can merge with the dictates of the Book.  This is what Robert says:

Jesus Christ did not die on the cross, he survived and currently sells used cars in New Jersey #shitrobertsays

The federal reserves has control over all manufactures of soft drinks, Tobacco, and comfortable footwear therefore controlling the world. #shitrobertsays

A human being can live on only air and water... But a few tic tacs help if u want to get laid. #shitrobertsays

Adolf Hitler's real name was Harry Goldstein.  He was of the Rothchilds family.  #shitrobertsays

Abraham Lincoln was actually a southern slave who put on white face everyday to win the presidency and free the slaves #shitrobertsays

If you stare at the sun in the morning it has low uv and won't blind you instead it will give you protons and direct energy creating your own photosynthesis.   You won't need to eat or drink but can get sustenance from the sun, just like a plant. #shitrobertsays

if you play Abba's Dancing Queen backwards you will hear the prophecy of the second coming. #shitrobertsays

Your skin is just a huge sponge that can suck in water. If you bathe in orange kool aid you will glow like neon. #shitrobertsays

Marsha Marsha Marsha

Perception is often markedly different than reality.   But what is reality anyway? Is it limited to our own subjective perception?  Or is there something more?

Marsha Brady pondered these thoughts while locked in a cell that more resembled a dungeon. Both her subjective and objective reality converged on the apparently irrefutable fact that she had been captured by some sort of amorous monster.  Fortunately, the monster's libido seemed focused for the time on her coat which he insisted on wearing.  

"I just love this coat," the monster repeated.  "It smells just like you."   "In fact, I want to hump it.  If you find a sticky goo in one of the pockets if I ever give it back to you I most humbly (or humpily) apologize."  And with that the monster let off a sickening wheeze that made Marsha's heart sink.

Was all hope is lost? Would the maiden be ravished by the coat humping monster?  We shall see. But what we do know is that two of her would be boyfriends were right now engaged in desperate and earnest rescue attempts on her behalf.  Unfortunately, the monster had hidden Marsha behind a labyrinthine series of doors and gates that neither of the two would be suitors had a clue on solving.   Moreover, the monster made Marsha wear a hideous mask that make her appearance pockmarked. This had the effect of not only creating despair for Marsha, when she gazed into her pocket mirror, but shielded her beauty which would have otherwise served as a beacon to her two boyfriends.

All hope did indeed appear lost.   But then, from out of nowhere an apparition of Jan Brady appeared: "Marsha Marsha Marsha it's always about Marsha but if you look inside yourself,  Marsha,  you will realize that you can take off the mask.  This isn't rocket science after all."

So Marsha removed the mask.  And with that, a shining knight in armor named Tom Brady appeared. "Marsha, the moment you took off your mask, I had no problems finding you.  Please do not put the mask on again because it makes you ugly.  Come now with me, I will love you long time sailor."

"Oh Tom," Marsha replied, with new insight, "I will not come with you or with any man  (literally or figuratively) until I find that they appreciate me for who I truly am, whether I wear a mask or not". "Besides, I think it would be kinda creepy since we both have the same last name.  We could be related.  It would be like doing it with Greg, and long have I spurned his advances."

And with that our story is at an end.  I encourage you to listen to the following message from our sponsor, the Metta Enterprises:

Friends, life got you down?  Want to get rid of your self centered subjective reality?  Think about it, it is silly to believe that you are the center of the universe.  Change your perspective.   Make it your practice when you breathe in to experience that it is not you breathing, but the universe breathing. When you see anyone of the street, do not shun them out of fear, instead, make it your practice to wish them peace, for they, like you are part of the same cosmic wholeness.  There is no separation. Make that your practice.

Next week on this channel, we will bring you the new documentary called "Wheels on Fire" which documents a day in the life a bicycle delivery person working for Chicago best Korean fried chicken establishment CRISP.   Until then, may you find peace and love.......

All Of Life's Questions Answered with Swami Guru Fulsheeta

Namaste out there in radio-land.  I am the Swami, if you be having questions, call me and I answer them for you.   What a deal.   Today's special is that the first questions you be having are answered free if you leave you credit card and self addressed stamp envelope at our office.  Here we be having our first caller:

Caller:  Swami, I just had this very strange dream.   I was floating around in a lucid dream in a strange bedroom.  The bed was large and unmade.  A large white cat had just curled up beside me. As I floated around the room, I remember thinking how peaceful it all was and how cool it was that I could go anywhere by floating.   In the room was a window, and I floated to the window feet first.  I went through the window and I started getting scared because I was going feet first into a white light. It was like floating into nothingness.   I had the scary thought that if I kept going outside of the room into the white light I would die.   So I immediately grabbed onto to the side the window and held on. Did I do the right thing?  Should I have let go?

Swami:  My friend. Your dream be illustrating a microcosm of our life.  We live, one day we die. When we be on death's door step, what do we do in the final moments?  Do we cling to life, refusing to let go?  Or do we resign ourself to the inevitable fate that awaits.  We be seeing this all around, especially in your society with the people who want to live forever like Ray Kurzweil who be taking all the vitamins and trying to extend life.   You can be sure that he be hanging on to the window tightly refusing to let go into the light.   

Caller:  But Swami, I'm afraid of letting go.  Should not I try to hold on to life?

Swami:  My friend.  You may ask yourself:  why do I hang on to life so tightly? The atoms which have temporarily coalesced around the water and flesh sac you call yourself will soon be disbursed.   It is not a cause of concern.  Why do you think you can control your life anyway?  Can you really control the nature of the thoughts that come and go across your mind?  Can you really cause your heart to start beating if it stops?  There is no "you" my friend.   Once you understand this, the hand which you think grabs onto the window becomes the river.   Relax, my friend.   Float down the river of life.   Do not be engaging in the futile struggle against the current.  Swami's friends the Buddhists they be saying this clinging to life be the root of all de suffering in the world.  It is not a cause of concern. Next caller...

Caller2:  Guru Fulsheeta, I noticed that when I rode my bike into the 30 mile an hour wind yesterday it felt as if the whole world was against me and I labored with each step into the wind.  Then, having reached my destination and consumed my Dragon's Milk Imperial Stout, I found that when I returned on my bike with the wind at my back that there was no wind at all.

Swami:  My friend.  First I must make this point wondering why you ride into such a wind in the first place.  Cannot you take a rickshaw to this place to get your beer and then return without such an effort?

Caller2:  But Swami, I must stay in shape.

Swami:  My friend I have always wondered why people from your country have this obsession about fitness.  Do not the women of your culture like to grab onto your belly?  How they be grabbing onto your belly if you look like a scarecrow.  I think they be feeling that they need to feed you more.  

Caller2:  But Swami, why is it that I don't feel the wind at my back like I do when it had blown in my face previously?

Swami:  This my friend be a matter of perspective. The wind is the same, only your mind is different. When the winds support us, we take no notice to appreciate them. But they are there. By contrast, when the winds oppose us, it feels like the whole world is against us. This is the fundamental nature of human suffering. We think the winds of time are against us, when really they be like the answers my friend, they be blowing in the wind.  

And before I forget, please be sending your tax deductible contributions to the swami at 123 Frogulent Woodland Ave., Springfield, IL 62711

Beyond the Car-O-Sel, A Nameless Podcast

Nameless:  I am Nameless, and this is the Nameless Podcast.  I have banished the Sidekick for the time being because he needs discipline.  A lot of discipline.   So for now, you will just be hearing my Nameless voice.

Anyway, I'm sure you are aware that the Sidekick rambles on and on about his dreams.  I thought I would share one of mine with you as the Nameless father recently visited me from the great unknown.  This occurred during a period of time of intense spiritual practice for me which included my daily devotions, various esoteric practices, meditation, yoga, and avoiding all intoxicants.   My diet consisted only of wild locusts and honey and I rejected all fornications per usual.  Part of these rituals involved regular visits to the cemetery to constantly remind myself of the transient nature of all existence.  During one of these visits, to my surprise,  my fathers coffin popped up out of the ground.   This likely occurred because of all the recent flooding at the cemetery.

The Catholic Church elders decided that before my fathers casket could be "reunited" with the earth, it was essential that we should celebrate another funeral.   I doubt this was an official rule of the Church.  Likely, it was simply another opportunity for the priest to collect another fee from my family.  

During my father's "second" funeral,   I stood in the middle aisle looking at his closed casket on the altar.  As I turned around to face the congregation, I saw many of my deceased aunts and uncles sitting in an aisle on the far left of the church.  Immediately, I walked over and kiss them all on the cheek as was my ordinary greeting.

In the midst of my relatives, I saw a gentleman I had not me before.  I am told by my aunt Jo that this man was my dad's brother who I never met. I was introduced to him.  During this exchange, my aunt Ann doted on everyone because that is what she does.

I notice that there is not a seat in the first three rows. Should not the Nameless daughter have a seat at her own father's funeral?  Surely, some divine injustice must be working against me.  

Finding no seat, I approached the votive candles to "talk" to my dad. I say something to the effect that, "I can't believe I am losing you again." The thought occurred to me that my father has been dead now for several years and having to go through the funeral made the wounds fresh again.

The dream then cut to a different scene. I walked into the church office and saw my dad behind the desk. As I kissed and hugged him it felt so real. I actually felt the pressure of his lips on my cheek when he kissed me!

My father told me that he wanted to say hi and for me to know he was still around.  But he also needed to go back to heaven now. I hugged him and started to cry. I whispered in his ear please just promise me that you will help me. Just promise me that you will help make the right decisions. He promised me he would. Then I hugged him and said and please just promise me that you will be a guardian angel to my daughters and  niece for forever. He said of course he would be.  He then walked out the door.  I thought to myself that I can't believe you are leaving me again.

I Don't Know About You, But I Find that a Nice Cliche Helps Me Get Through the Day

Maybe it was the age, maybe it was the kombucha.  In any event, round about the 50th year of my existence, I began to notice my thoughts shortened.  Where previously they meandered about in prolix compound sentences with both dependent and independent subordinate clauses, they now were short.  Perhaps alarmingly short.  It was as if I begin to see the world through the rose colored lens of the cliche.

But cheer up, buttercup, that which does not kill you makes you stronger, right?  The early bird gets the worm, so I'm sure that this is nothing that a good night's sleep won't fix.  What I need to do now is just take life one day at a time, keep it simple, stupid:-).  Right?

THIS IS REALLY ABOUT BEING EATEN BY SPIDERS.  CONSTANTLY, CONTINUALLY.

But for the grace of God go I.  I see people around me every day and feel fortunate that fate has smiled upon me.   Not that I'm too religious.   Religion in the opiate of the masses.  I see that all around me.  Still, people who live in glass houses should not throw stones.  And I don't mean to criticize anyone, regardless of their religious beliefs.  Look not to the faults of others, not to their omissions or commissions.  In the end, laughter is the best medicine.   When you feel blue this is always the case.

WE ARE ALL JUST LUMPS ON THE MASSIVE TENTACLE OF CTHULHU, CONSTANTLY AND CONTINUALLY BEING CONSUMED. 

True, one cannot always be happy.  We feel suffering by comparing and contrasting our shortcomings with others.   For the grass is always greener.   And I feel happier when I let go of the envy of others.  But old habits die hard.  And old habits are hard to break.  Still, I work to find peace in finding contentment with my lot in life.

LONG AGO, ALIENS COLONIZED THIS PLANET, AND WE ARE ALL THEIR SEX SLAVES.

I am very moved by art.  A picture is worth a thousand words.  I have spent many a lazy Sunday afternoon looking at the majesty that is nature, or the human genius present in art galleries.

THE END IS NEAR

Appearances can be deceiving.  And beauty is only skin deep.  That's why we should not judge a book by its cover.  Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  And that is why we can see the hand of God working in the simplest things that are the most meaningful.

THE POD PEOPLE ARE AMONG US, EVEN YOUR PARENTS

When life gives you lemons, learn to make lemonade.  When the going gets tough, the tough get going.

I WORK WITH THE GOVERNMENT.  I AM HERE TO HELP

Have you seen my louver? The window to my soul?

Godwin's law appears to be incorrect; at least in the context of this blog.