Inadequate Instructions for Just About Anything, Ch 6

How to write the Great Russian-American novel.

Step 1:  Acquire some dusha.  Of course, acquiring is more of an American idea.   You are born with a soul.  In any event, if you are not Russian, proceed to Step 2.  If you are Russian, you know all about the next few steps,  proceed directly to Step 5.  

Step 2:  Start to suffer.  Really, you can do it.  Its not that hard.  

Step 3:  Read Dostoevsky.   Especially the bit about: "the most basic, most rudimentary spiritual need of the Russian people is the need for suffering, ever-present and unquenchable, everywhere and in everything".  Proceed to Step 4.

Step 4:   Read Checkov.  Especially bits like:  “When asked, "Why do you always wear black?", I said, "I am mourning for my life.”  and “I reflected how many satisfied, happy people there really are! What a suffocating force it is! You look at life: the insolence and idleness of the strong, the ignorance and brutishness of the weak, incredible poverty all about us, overcrowding, degeneration, drunkenness, hypocrisy, lying... Yet all is calm and stillness in the houses and in the streets; of the fifty thousand living in a town, there is not one who would cry out, who would give vent to his indignation aloud. We see the people going to market for provisions, eating by day, sleeping by night, talking their silly nonsense, getting married, growing old, serenely escorting their dead to the cemetery; but we do not see and we do not hear those who suffer, and what is terrible in life goes on somewhere behind the scenes...Everything is so quiet and peaceful, and nothing protests but mute statistics: so many people gone out of their minds, so many gallons of vodka drunk, so many children dead from malnutrition... And this order of things s evidently necessary; evidently the happy man only feels at ease because the unhappy bear their burdens in silence, and without that silence happiness would be impossible.”   Proceed to step 5.

Step 5:   If you live in America, proceed to Step 6.  If you are still in Russia, you are disqualified from further participation for a variety of reasons.   Among these are a lack of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Step 6:   You are almost there!  Keep going!   Proceed to Step 7.

Step 7:   In any of your marriages, did you marry someone who was even more neurotic than you?  If not, congratulations, you win.  You are no longer on the treadmill.  Long live the treadmill.  Contact Sri Psuedopumpkin for your special prize.  If not, proceed to step 8.

Step 8:  Are you in a relationship now that you keep bringing up your former neurotic spouse in all aspects of you life to the extent that those around you have begin setting up a place at dinner for your neurotic ex-spouse to attend in spirit, if not in real life because you are unable to stop talking about them?   If not, congratulations, you win.   Contact Sri Psuedopumpkin for your special prize.  If so, please proceed to Step 1.