Sweet Dreams are Made of These, Ch. 1

Libby Titus infected the bar.

"Hey look, its John Paul Bonham"

That's not his name.  Anyway, it can't be him, what would he be doing doing working here?  He's too short.  Didn't Bonham have longer hair when he played bass drums for Zeppelin?

JPB:  "Can I get you something to drink?"

"Old Rasputin"

"Wow, John Paul Bonham just took your drink order."

This place is so cool, can you imagine Springfield has a place like this?

This is the former Rubble Rabblebuses building.  Its where Norman Mailer wrote "The Naked and the Dead"   He sat right over there.   You can still see the outline his typewriter on the table.

We should buy this place, its being horribly mismanaged.  You have to have a female bartender working.  Why else would guys want to come here?  Did you hear about the class action all the former bartenders filed?

"Well John Paul Bonham is a pretty cool bartender."

But he's dead.  He can't be a bartender.  That's the problem with this place.

When we buy this place we'll have to paint it white.  Its too dark and scary.   Women don't want to come here.  We will change the name to the "Virtue Palace."  We will get Sarabi to come back from California to run it.  It will be a bar with only women working in it.

"When are we going to buy it?"

After the current owner defaults on the lease.  Then we will have to wait a couple of months to get a good deal.

Game Shows for Knuckleheads, Ch. 1

Version 1: "Whose got Woody?"

Introduction: Live from our Burbank Studios we present America's favorite game show where knowledge is King, Lady Luck is a jester, and everyone tries to be Woody Allen, yes, its time for "Whose Got Woody."

(applause)

Introduction continued: And your host, Gilbreto Filberstein.

Gilbreto Filberstein (GF): Thank you Don. Our first contestant tonight is a Reform Rabbi from Brooklyn where he is with the Temple Shalom Paki, everyone please welcome our returning champion Isaac Snagglepuss. (more applause).

GF:  And our challenger tonight is a lawyer from Edwardsville, Illinois, a big hand of applause for  Sri Pseudo Pumpkin (marked less applause).

GF:  Now, contestants, I'm sure you know the rules.   We will give each of you a hypothetical situation, and your job is to react to it just like Woody Allen would do.  Each member of our studio audience will then electronically rate your performance on a scale of one to ten.   As the returning champion, the first question goes to you Mr. Snagglepuss:

(GF reads his card):   "You are at a dinner party and are asked what you think of the psychiatry of Freud:"

Mr. Snagglepuss:   Thats an easy one.  I tell them I worked with Freud in Vienna. We broke over the concept of penis envy. Freud felt that it should be limited only to women.  (laughter)

GF:  Lets see, our audience survey says, you earned a 9.24.  Very good Mr. Snagglepuss.  And now a question for our challenger:

(GF reads his card):  You are at an art opening and the attractive artist asks you what you think of the controlled brush strokes of her paintings and how they symbolically represent the control she has in her life.   You respond?

Mr. Psuedopumkin:  I tell her that this ontological structure is similar to kind of structure in Heidegger's "Being in Time".   Specifically, the control represents what Heidegger wants to get at--he wants, in the Dasein Analytic, to uncover the fundamental structures of Human existence.    (silence)

GF: Survey says 0.2.   I'm sorry, Mr. Pseudopumpkin, because your score is less than 2, it gives Mr. Snagglepuss a chance to steal the question.   What do you say Snagglepuss?  What does the control mean to you?

Mr. Snagglepuss:  I tell her that you can’t control life. It doesn’t wind up perfectly. Only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.  (roaring laughter)

GF:  And the audience survey says 8.78.  We'll it looks like our champion has successfully won round 1.  We'll be back for an exciting round 2 right after a word from our sponsor,

Shearson Lehman E.F. Hutton, a company where our lack of education is more than compensated for by our keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

The Adventures of Mantei Tebow, Ch. 3

The following are excerpts from a series of email exchanges between Tebow and the Old Hag:

Tebow:  Glorious honored elder hag, this is Mantei son of Brian.

Old Hag:   Leave me in peace.  You have shamed your town, your people, you even changed your name.   I know you not son of Brian.

Tebow:  This is important.  Its Emmanulana.  She is here among the foreigners.  She writes books and appears on television.

Old Hag:  Then the prophecies are true.  You have angered Kauhana and brought this abomination upon yourself son of Brian.

Tebow:  What did I do?   She won't leave me alone, even in sleep.   I can't stop thinking of her.  What if the foreigners find out the truth?  How can I get rid of her?

Old Hag:  Ha! Foolish one.  You know nothing about the elder demons.   You cannot get rid of a demon, son of Brian.   You can only appease them.  If Kauhana has indeed entered Emmanulana as a host, you must complete the circle, son of Brian.   Even Kauhana abides the circle.

Tebow:  But I know nothing of the circle!

Old Hag:  Ha! Then you are doomed son of Brian.   The prophesies foretell that once Kauhana selects a host and enters the world of the mortals, only the virgin sacrifice will appease him and send him back to the spirit world.  You must complete the circle Mantei!

Tebow:  But where do I get a virgin to sacrifice?

Old Hag:  You were always the dimmest of the brothers Mantei.   Look within yourself.  Use your brain instead of your muscles for once son of Brian.   Go to her!

Tebow:  But what am I supposed to do?

Old Hag:  Complete the circle son of Brian.   Finish what your should have done with Emanulana long ago.  Complete the Boom Chicka Bow Wow with her son of Brian.

Tebow:   How do I Boom Chicka Bow Wow with her?

Old Hag:  This is going to be a long night.

End Chapter Three


the chamber after after after party.   And of course kaoke replacements with the intoxicated owner of the favorite haunt