It tastes like shit, I said.
"That's because it is shit. Look at the label," said Satan. "Its Grateful Dead salsa. Those old fucks would allow their name to be used by anyone to make a fast buck. That's why I like them so much. That and the fact that they encouraged drug use during the Reagan Era. Otherwise, those were pretty lean times for the good of the order."
Fuck you. I said.
I had been lost in the mountains looking for a camping space in the caves. I was with two other people. We hadn't had any food for days. Eventually we came to a row of condos that looked deserted. One of the doors was empty. I entered the condo.
"Come in," said Satan. "But tell you friends they will have to wait."
They aren't my friends, I exclaimed.
"I know," said Satan. "But it makes no difference. They are gone now. Do you even remember their names?
No.
I drove to Oakland last night in my beatup car. I parked for the night in front of a homeless shelter. I went out to the car in the morning and the car window was broken and everything inside had been stolen.
Satan walks up to the car.
"Here try this," said Satan, handing me a book.
"The Puppet and the Dwarf, by Slavoj Zizek ."
What the hell is this?
"Exactly," said Satan,
"Its a dirty little secret, but this Slovenian Zizek almost gets it. One must be an atheist to be a true Christian. The death of Christ on the Cross is the death of God as God. "
Why are you telling me all this?
"Because I want you to see clearly what is really going on around you. I need to invert your perspective to accomplish this. You want to be enlightened, don't you? Try not looking at me as the bad guy. Actually, I'm at the center and foundation of Christian ethics. My fall and punishment without any trial is the Christian myth that allows what Christians consider evil to exist in the world while absolving God of any wrongdoing. More importantly, I am the secret hero of Christianity. I am the role model who started everything. I was the first to have the courage to stand up to God and stand falsely accused. I was the first to make the bold claim of individual autonomy which is the bedrock of cherished Western values of freedom and democracy. I am the original inspiration of every revolutionary who had the balls to speak up against tyranny and injustice and to make the ultimate sacrifice for it."
It doesn't look like you have sacrificed anything, asshole.
"More than you could ever know. Consider this:
If then his Providence, Out of our evil seek to bring forth good, Our labour must be to pervert that end, And out of good still to find means of evil.
And should I at your harmless innocence Melt, as I do, yet public reason just Honour and empire with revenge enlarg’d, By conqu’ring this new world, compels me now To do, what else (though damn’d) I should abhor."Fuck you.
"Its much to late for that."
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