Inadequate Instructions for Just About Anything, Ch. 5

How to Select a Watermelon for Human Consumption:

Summary:  The similarity between watermelons and humans should not be underestimated.  Both are fruity creatures saturated with water.   A healthy watermelon consists of 92% water.   At optimum health, a human is comprised of 78% water.  The water content of watermelon bears an inverse relationship to the thickness of its rind.  The water content of a human is inversely proportional to the thickness of his fat layer. Both have a red or pink fleshy interior.  Neither generally are sentient.   Both require moderate sunlight--direct sun for extended periods being contraindicated.  Both have hearts--though in each, the hearts can become stenotic or rotten.   Sweetness is a generally desired characteristic of each. 

Because of these similarities, we recommend assessing the relative health and desirability of a watermelon using the same analysis that physicians assess and treat human health, namely the SOAP (Subjective, Objective, Assessment, Plan) protocol.

Subjective:

A detailed subjective evaluation is essential.   Listen to what the watermelon is trying to tell you by aauscultation.  Tap the external shell of the watermelon with a blunt instrument (we recommend using the knuckles of your index and middle fingers).   A healthy watermelon should emit a hollow sound in the frequency range of 76-123 hz.   A lower frequency emission (a dull echo) suggests the interior of the melon has become rotten.   Avoid any watermelon resonating with an echo frequency of 45 hz or below.  A dull echo signifies a stenotic core or an overthick rind.   The same principle applies to the analysis of humans.   Especially when the human cranium is auscultated. 

Objective:

A detailed physical examination of the watermelon is essential.   Look for a firm, symmetrical watermelon free of bruises, cuts or dents.   Palpate the exterior skin of the watermelon.   If the surface is soft and you are able to indent the surface more than 5 mm, it suggests that it has been sitting in the store for too long.

Look for a melon that’s dull, not shiny, and uniform in shape. Odd bumps and curves can mean it was grown with inconsistent water or sun.

Check the weight of the melon.  Water is heavier than rind.  Consequently, a heavy watermelon is generally to be preferred over a watermelon weighing less of the same size.

Assessment: 

Assess the field spot -- the place where the watermelon rested on the ground. The deeper in color, the longer the fully grown melon was on the vine getting sweet. Yellow is better than white, but white is better than no patch at all.

Plan:

If you are fortunate enough to select a sweet watermelon, it is most thrilling chilled, and most pleasing if consumed within 2 days of opening.   If you select a dud, just remember that watermelons, like humans, can be made more interesting when infused with vodka.

                                 (a recent attendee of the national political conventions).