Cole Potential, Ch. 3

Very Good Padewan, most people don't understand the subtle distinction between the goal of world domination and actual world domination.

Use the force you must to achieve total world domination.   All other endeavors--futile they are.

To achieve actual world domination, you must first infiltrate an environmental studies department at a small Midwestern university acting as a student.  You must establish an initial base of operations outside of Havana, Cuba...I mean Havana, Illinois.

Then, you must propagate propaganda to recruit other initiates to the force.   To accomplish this, you must create a power point presentation meticulously describing the aforementioned attributes of the force.

Finally, and most importantly, you must harvest as much sploosh as soon as possible.  The unique neurochemical properties of sploosh make it possible for the skilled practitioner of the force to exert his or her will remotely across space and time.   Imagine the possibilities!   Sploosh can be extracted in two ways.  First,

 What you need:

2 cups water

2 cups sugar

3 cinnamon sticks

2 teaspoons whole cloves

4 pounds fresh peaches (about 10 - 12 medium size - don't get them too ripe or they'll be mushy)
   
Then put the extract in mason jars and let stand for 150 years in the desert heat.

However, Padewan, because time is of the essence, we recommend extracting sploosh in the old fashioned way.  This can be achieved by securing the victim in the manner described in Hypothetical Inventions Chapter 2 (dated February 17, 2012).   Then, after hypergargalesthesia is achieved, position a small cup or receptacle under the victim's mouth to harvest the drool which will be produced after the tickleectomy procedure is complete.

So what are you waiting for?  Get out of the hole you are in and find some sploosh!

Sometimes a Cigar is only a Cigar, Ch. 1

Psychoanalyzing Cat Stevens:

--On tolerance, specifically in relation to Rushdie's "Satanic Verses."   The following is an excerpt from the BBC television program moderated by Geoffrey Robertson.  Cat Stevens is now Yusuf Islam:

Robertson: You don't think that this man deserves to die?
Y. Islam: Who, Salman Rushdie?
Robertson: Yes.
Y. Islam: Yes, yes.
Robertson: And do you have a duty to be his executioner?
Y. Islam: Uh, no, not necessarily, unless we were in an Islamic state and I was ordered by a judge or by the authority to carry out such an act - perhaps, yes.
[Some minutes later, Robertson on the subject of a protest where an effigy of the author is to be burned]
Robertson: Would you be part of that protest, Yusuf Islam, would you go to a demonstration where you knew that an effigy was going to be burned?
Y. Islam: I would have hoped that it'd be the real thing.

The New York Times also reported this statement from the program: [If Rushdie turned up at my doorstep looking for help] I might ring somebody who might do more damage to him than he would like. I'd try to phone the Ayatollah Khomeini and tell him exactly where this man is.

 Yusuf later asserted that while he regretted the comments, he was joking and that the show was improperly edited.  In the years since these comments, he has repeatedly denied ever calling for the death of Rushdie or supporting the fatwa.

--On relationships with women:

" Oh baby baby it's a wild world,
It's hard to get by just upon a smile.
Oh baby baby it's a wild world.

I'll always remember you like a child, girl.
You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do,
And it's breaking my heart in two,
Cause I never want to see you sad girl,
Don't be a bad girl,
But if you want to leave take good care,
Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there,
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware,
Beware,

Oh baby baby it's a wild world,
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh baby baby it's a wild world,
And I'll always remember you like a child, girl."

Ellen Willis, the rock critic of the New Yorker, thinks that " 'Wild World' betrays a condescending, sexist viewpoint." Reverse the roles, she says, and "It's hard to imagine a woman sadly warning her ex-lover that he's too innocent for the big bad world out there."  I couldn't agree more.  Cat Stevens supposedly wrote this song while breaking up with actress Patti D'Arbanville.

In a 1979 interview, Steven's denies the charge stating that ""I was trying to relate to my life. I was at the point where it was beginning to happen and I was myself going into the world. I'd done my career before, and I was sort of warning myself to be careful this time around, because it was happening. It was not me writing about somebody specific, although other people may have informed the song, but it was more about me. It's talking about losing touch with home and reality - home especially."

Not buying it.   Since when are you "like a child, girl," Cat?  If you need further proof, check out the lyrics of Stevens' 1970 tune, Lady d'Arbanville:

"My Lady d'Arbanville, why do you sleep so still?
I'll wake you tomorrow
And you will be my fill, yes, you will be my fill.

My Lady d'Arbanville why does it grieve me so?
But your heart seems so silent.
Why do you breathe so low, why do you breathe so low,

My Lady d'Arbanville why do you sleep so still?
I'll wake you tomorrow
And you will be my fill, yes, you will be my fill.

My Lady d'Arbanville, you look so cold tonight.
Your lips feel like winter,
Your skin has turned to white, your skin has turned to white.

My Lady d'Arbanville, why do you sleep so still?
I'll wake you tomorrow
And you will be my fill, yes, you will be my fill.

La la la la la....

My Lady d'Arbanville why do you grieve me so?
But your heart seems so silent.
Why do you breathe so low, why do you breathe so low,

I loved you my lady, though in your grave you lie,
I'll always be with you
This rose will never die, this rose will never die.

I loved you my lady, though in your grave you lie,
I'll always be with you
This rose will never die, this rose will never die."

This song is just plain "creepy".

--On the relationship with his father:

"Son
How can I try to explain, when I do he turns away again.
It's always been the same, same old story.
From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen.
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go.

Father
It's not time to make a change,
Just sit down, take it slowly.
You're still young, that's your fault,
There's so much you have to go through.
Find a girl, settle down,
If you want you can marry.
Look at me, I am old, but I'm happy.
(Son-- Away Away Away, I know I have to
Make this decision alone - no)
Son
All the times that I cried, keeping all the things I knew inside,
It's hard, but it's harder to ignore it.
If they were right, I'd agree, but it's them They know not me.
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away.
I know I have to go. "


Responding to the interviewer from Disc, he said, "I’ve never really understood my father, but he always let me do whatever I wanted—he let me go. ‘Father And Son’ is for those people who can’t break loose."

Maybe, but it still smacks me as a patient going to see a shrink asking for help for "his friend", who has this problem....  You can only write about what you know, even if you make shit up:-)

The Mounds Bar, Ch. 1

The Mounds Bar ("MB"):   Hey, remember me, I'm a Mounds bar?

Shelton, Weinman & Wolff (SWW):   I think so, but aren't you a lot smaller than you used to be?

MB:  Well, sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't.   Lets just say that I dropped the crunchy part.

SWW:  So what are you like on the inside now?

MB:  I'm not sure, I've never been eaten.  That's why I'm still intact.

SWW:  Hey, you want to do the time warp and pretend we first met?

MB:  Naw, that doesn't sound like any fun.  You used to follow me around like a puppy dog.  Let's play something different.  What about hide and go seek?  You were supposed to find me at the Heidelberg, remember?

SWW:  Yes, but I'm lost.  Where the hell is the Heidelberg, isn't that in Germany?

MB:  Wow, the rumors must be true.  You are a stoner burnout!   The Heidelberg is just down from the Peace Nook, turn right at the Blue Note, its right across from Shattered.

SWW:   You must forgive me, I've completely repressed all knowledge of this place.  What am I supposed to do now?

MB:  Well, I think it will go something like this.  First, you will see me and not recognize me.  Then I will profusely apologize to you for something I did to you a long time ago.   What I did all those years ago is really of no importance to you because you don't remember it anyway.   But I will buy you a drink for the transgression anyway.   Trust me, it will help my conscience.   And its all about me anyway, see?

SWW:  I'm in.   So what happens next? 

MB:   Here is your drink.   A fuzzy navel.  Just the way you like them.

SWW:  gulp gulp gulp

MB:   Then I will tell you about the fact that I've been seeing a shrink lately.   And I've learned to accept that even though situations may change, I'm still an Almond J--(stutter)--I mean a Mounds Bar.

SWW:  Wow, what a coincidence, I've been doing a lot of self discovery as well.  But I seem to have lost part of it.  Have you seen it?  The last time I saw it I was seated on a cushon staring at a wall...

MB:  Don't worry about it.  I'm sure you will find it.  Anyway, then you will go up to the bass player of this band and ask them to play some Al Green.   He will tell you that they will.  However, you will soon discover that that is a lie because they will never, ever, ever, play any Al Green.   Nevertheless, the three of us will go up and dance anyway.

SWW:  With who, aren't there are only two of us?

MB:   We will go with your old lover.   It will be weird, but we will get though it, trust me.  Then, we will go to the Liquor of the Tropics, just for old times, and you will buy me an Almond--(stutter)--I mean Pina Colada.

SWW:   Awesome, I can't wait.   When do we start?

SWW:  We already have.   Here is your drink.  A fuzzy navel.   Just the way you like them.

 

"books don't kill people, people kill people"--Salman Rushdie

  

The Apolitical Activist, Ch. 8

Society could be judged on how it channels and sublimates the sexual energy of 17-30 year old human males.

Throughout history, society generally has delegated this responsibility to the battlefield
or religion.

For young men at that age are generally gullible, and ready to take offense or aggressively defend what they do not yet possess.

Should society fail in its endeavor to channel this energy, it tends to be bad news for the older men and women intent on keeping their money and possessions.

Revolutions tend to be nasty affairs.

For young men want money, power, and  possessions, whether they have "earned" them or not.  And it is manifestly unfair that they should be denied these things that older people have.  Or so they think.

More recently, "modern" constructive solutions have arisen.  It is now possible to prolong the childhood of these young men into their 30s by herding them into colleges.  By the time they get to be 30, much of their piss and vinegar has dissipated and they become more docile.  This was not an option 100 years ago.  Back then, college was only for the rich, and they didn't need much shepherding.

While they are in college, many of the young men still vicariously reenact their inbred impulses to take to the battlefield through allegiances to college sport teams.   It is a more humane option than the alternative.   Knute Rockne makes a much better source of inspiration than Napoleon.

And all goes well as long as there is a promise of a better future life when the young men turn 30 and have delayed their gratification.

However, there is something in the air says the prophet.   The spiritual man is mad.  The young doubt their future.  Like a plug without a socket, they wander aimlessly literally and figuratively.  And a growing discontent pervades the countryside.

Things I wish my daughters will read, Ch. 5

Mackenzie's favorite song, circa Fall 2012.

It suggests, perhaps, an increasing encroachment of her father's culture into her milieu of Disney and small town America.

She even knows many of the lyrics:-)

Words and music by the Yonder Mountain String Band.

Complicated

There is fire
And there's light
The sense of something
Coming down this telephone wire
And there's wrong and there's right
That's the closest thing to clarity tonight

There are songs I've seen
That can make somebody feel
Like things are better than they seem
That there's time
Yes there's time tonight

In my own defense
I don't believe that I
Was born this complicated

You can say
Something
Wait until the people cheer
Then give them the refrain
And the band plays those blues away

In my own defense
I don't believe that I
Was born this complicated

Its a frame of mind
(?)its a surfacing the lotus(?)
(?)from the corner of your eye(?)
You can see for miles
With an inner light that's guiding you home

In my own defense
I don't believe that I
Was born this complicated
This complicated
This complicated
This complicated

(10 years ago today, talking about the environmental case with the client in Connecticut while we wondered what was happening on TV:-(

Inadequate Instructions for Just About Anything, Ch. 5

How to Select a Watermelon for Human Consumption:

Summary:  The similarity between watermelons and humans should not be underestimated.  Both are fruity creatures saturated with water.   A healthy watermelon consists of 92% water.   At optimum health, a human is comprised of 78% water.  The water content of watermelon bears an inverse relationship to the thickness of its rind.  The water content of a human is inversely proportional to the thickness of his fat layer. Both have a red or pink fleshy interior.  Neither generally are sentient.   Both require moderate sunlight--direct sun for extended periods being contraindicated.  Both have hearts--though in each, the hearts can become stenotic or rotten.   Sweetness is a generally desired characteristic of each. 

Because of these similarities, we recommend assessing the relative health and desirability of a watermelon using the same analysis that physicians assess and treat human health, namely the SOAP (Subjective, Objective, Assessment, Plan) protocol.

Subjective:

A detailed subjective evaluation is essential.   Listen to what the watermelon is trying to tell you by aauscultation.  Tap the external shell of the watermelon with a blunt instrument (we recommend using the knuckles of your index and middle fingers).   A healthy watermelon should emit a hollow sound in the frequency range of 76-123 hz.   A lower frequency emission (a dull echo) suggests the interior of the melon has become rotten.   Avoid any watermelon resonating with an echo frequency of 45 hz or below.  A dull echo signifies a stenotic core or an overthick rind.   The same principle applies to the analysis of humans.   Especially when the human cranium is auscultated. 

Objective:

A detailed physical examination of the watermelon is essential.   Look for a firm, symmetrical watermelon free of bruises, cuts or dents.   Palpate the exterior skin of the watermelon.   If the surface is soft and you are able to indent the surface more than 5 mm, it suggests that it has been sitting in the store for too long.

Look for a melon that’s dull, not shiny, and uniform in shape. Odd bumps and curves can mean it was grown with inconsistent water or sun.

Check the weight of the melon.  Water is heavier than rind.  Consequently, a heavy watermelon is generally to be preferred over a watermelon weighing less of the same size.

Assessment: 

Assess the field spot -- the place where the watermelon rested on the ground. The deeper in color, the longer the fully grown melon was on the vine getting sweet. Yellow is better than white, but white is better than no patch at all.

Plan:

If you are fortunate enough to select a sweet watermelon, it is most thrilling chilled, and most pleasing if consumed within 2 days of opening.   If you select a dud, just remember that watermelons, like humans, can be made more interesting when infused with vodka.

                                 (a recent attendee of the national political conventions). 

The Zen Guy, Ch. 15

September 2012 Sesshin:

The Preview (from WZEN):

There was an old woman on Mount Dai path. A monastic asked her, "Where is the path to Mount Dai?"
The old woman said, "Go straight ahead."
The monastic went on.
The woman said, "My dear Reverend, you too go off like that." Monastics came one after another to ask the same question and received the same answer.
Later, one of the monastics told Zhaozhou about it. Zhaozhou said, "Wait here for a while. Let me check her out."
He went to the woman and said, "Where is the path to Mount Dai?"
The woman said, "Go straight ahead."
Zhaozhou went on.
The woman said, "My dear Reverend, you too go off like that."
Zhaozhou came back and said to the assembly, "I have checked out that woman for you."

Why do you need to go somewhere to find yourself?  It is like riding an Ox looking for the Ox. When you take a step toward it, you step away from it.

 And  who is checking out who?  To talk about it more does lead to more understanding, but paradoxically less.   Like the student remarking that he felt like his deceased father was present at the sesshin and Elihu cutting the student off before he could elaborate further.   The dead father was present.  Further speaking about it does not serve to "flesh" it out, but rather puts concepts in the way of the immediacy of the experience.  What more could the student explain what he meant other than to replace his experience with a metaphor, memory  or other concept? 

And realizing that this is what I am hardwired to do in every situation and every experience.  Intuitively, I  think that by explaining or elaborating about something in more detail somehow makes it more whole or more complete when paradoxically the opposite is occurring.  And I'm not just talking about fathers because mine is still very much alive:-).

Still mountain is a mountain, a destination is a destination.   When you are asked for directions, what is the reply?

The Dream:  involved traveling a road leading to a huge mountain.   But the road stopped at the foot of the mountain so that there was a huge chasm between the edge of the road and the mountain.   The person I was with stated that the way to the mountain was to crawl under the road to get to the another road which inexplicably led to the mountain.   I looked over the end of the road and into the abyss and the dizzying prospective of straddling the road (while looking straight down into the chasm)  to lever myself under the road seemed more than I could bear.   As I turned away from the road and headed back, I remarked that if there were some form of ropes or other safety devices I may have attempted the feat.