Gainesville: What was the Information You Gleaned?--To My Favorite Integration Therapist

1.  When the shit hits the fan and it gets to that bad place, I question why I do this in the first place.  I resist.  I don't really want what it is showing me.  When I'm back in ego reality, I understand the importance of going in to the uncomfortable places, but I don't really remember that when I'm in medicine space.  I think it would help if I had someone I trusted guiding the process and comforting me that it is ok and reminding me to go into it.  However, I am concerned that I would not trust them and believe that they are the problem when I get there again.

2.  The medicine space is unbelievably energetic.  I know you are supposed to sit still and go into it, but I remember trying that, being the buddha when I was on my flight in the forest.  It didn't seem to get me anywhere.   I feel called to movement and flight.

3.  When I was in medicine space in Gainesville, it was as if a new ego structure took over that was following a logic and coherency of its own.  I can remember it to some extent.  It seemed to remember who I was, where I was, and was actually thinking rationally if the paradigm was that the people around you were preventing you from reaching some form of salvation and you must struggle to get away from them because they are keeping you in a realm of suffering.  The logic continued that the universe was trying to give me clues to put together to get out of the realm of suffering.  e.g. follow the light, go to places the other creatures could not restrain you in the realm of suffering, look for clues, look for help.  I wonder if this ego is some sort of underlying personality I have that is really functioning at some level beneath my day to day ego.  In may ways, this underlying ego also came forth in Costa Rica, but in Florida it seemed to have much more coherency.

4.  What I especially resisted initially in the ceremony was the experience that the ceremony was the real reality, and over and over again throughout time and space I would return to the ceremony and be destroyed to give birth to the new reality.  I didn't want that to be the setup.  I wanted reality to be something different than that.  I did not accept it.  So I resisted.

5.  At the deepest level, I do not have an intention for the practice.  At some level, I am lonely.  And resistant to the boredom of solitary life.  The ceremony is a way to bypass and run from the mundane life.  In this way, the ego structure of #3 above is doing the same thing with my current reality as when it is encountering medicine space.  I am running from myself to find the others, or something other an myself.  This whole ceremony culture is just another form of spiritual bypass.  For some reason, I am not enough without something else going on.

6.  During the climax of Gainesville when the medicine hit its peak and I was in the forest, I thought I was dead and in some form of afterlife.  An endless afterlife of suffering.  Without any relief.  

7.  My brain in someways still feels like it is in medicine space.  Like some synapses are still firing.  I also feel in someways that my brain has been rewired so that I don't feel certain things anymore.  Like I'm still on a horse.  Like I'm channeling some inner power that doesn't really care about what it had before.    Like I don't really care anymore that some people (e.g. M) are not in my life anymore.   I didn't really leave her for any rational reason, but the horse carried me away.   But I do care that other people (e.g. M & M) are in my life and there even deeper.  

8.  At some level the horse is a reminder that I have the choice to step into my own energy.  Or move away from it.  Like I'm surrounded by negative energy holding me down.  But by force of practice, I can clear the negative energy and step into a new powerful energy that will allow me to do anything.   In some ways, this is similar to the underlying ego of #3.

9.  I'm not sure whether the horse is going to take me to Ava this weekend to hang out with Matt and Sun-star.  It will be a game-day decision.  It always is. 

10.  1-9 are total BS by the way.  You have to power to create what you want your relationship to reality to be.  The rest is just bypassing.  Get on your horse and step into your power.