Gainesville: What was the Information You Gleaned?--To My Favorite Integration Therapist

1.  When the shit hits the fan and it gets to that bad place, I question why I do this in the first place.  I resist.  I don't really want what it is showing me.  When I'm back in ego reality, I understand the importance of going in to the uncomfortable places, but I don't really remember that when I'm in medicine space.  I think it would help if I had someone I trusted guiding the process and comforting me that it is ok and reminding me to go into it.  However, I am concerned that I would not trust them and believe that they are the problem when I get there again.

2.  The medicine space is unbelievably energetic.  I know you are supposed to sit still and go into it, but I remember trying that, being the buddha when I was on my flight in the forest.  It didn't seem to get me anywhere.   I feel called to movement and flight.

3.  When I was in medicine space in Gainesville, it was as if a new ego structure took over that was following a logic and coherency of its own.  I can remember it to some extent.  It seemed to remember who I was, where I was, and was actually thinking rationally if the paradigm was that the people around you were preventing you from reaching some form of salvation and you must struggle to get away from them because they are keeping you in a realm of suffering.  The logic continued that the universe was trying to give me clues to put together to get out of the realm of suffering.  e.g. follow the light, go to places the other creatures could not restrain you in the realm of suffering, look for clues, look for help.  I wonder if this ego is some sort of underlying personality I have that is really functioning at some level beneath my day to day ego.  In may ways, this underlying ego also came forth in Costa Rica, but in Florida it seemed to have much more coherency.

4.  What I especially resisted initially in the ceremony was the experience that the ceremony was the real reality, and over and over again throughout time and space I would return to the ceremony and be destroyed to give birth to the new reality.  I didn't want that to be the setup.  I wanted reality to be something different than that.  I did not accept it.  So I resisted.

5.  At the deepest level, I do not have an intention for the practice.  At some level, I am lonely.  And resistant to the boredom of solitary life.  The ceremony is a way to bypass and run from the mundane life.  In this way, the ego structure of #3 above is doing the same thing with my current reality as when it is encountering medicine space.  I am running from myself to find the others, or something other an myself.  This whole ceremony culture is just another form of spiritual bypass.  For some reason, I am not enough without something else going on.

6.  During the climax of Gainesville when the medicine hit its peak and I was in the forest, I thought I was dead and in some form of afterlife.  An endless afterlife of suffering.  Without any relief.  

7.  My brain in someways still feels like it is in medicine space.  Like some synapses are still firing.  I also feel in someways that my brain has been rewired so that I don't feel certain things anymore.  Like I'm still on a horse.  Like I'm channeling some inner power that doesn't really care about what it had before.    Like I don't really care anymore that some people (e.g. M) are not in my life anymore.   I didn't really leave her for any rational reason, but the horse carried me away.   But I do care that other people (e.g. M & M) are in my life and there even deeper.  

8.  At some level the horse is a reminder that I have the choice to step into my own energy.  Or move away from it.  Like I'm surrounded by negative energy holding me down.  But by force of practice, I can clear the negative energy and step into a new powerful energy that will allow me to do anything.   In some ways, this is similar to the underlying ego of #3.

9.  I'm not sure whether the horse is going to take me to Ava this weekend to hang out with Matt and Sun-star.  It will be a game-day decision.  It always is. 

10.  1-9 are total BS by the way.  You have to power to create what you want your relationship to reality to be.  The rest is just bypassing.  Get on your horse and step into your power.

A Culturally Appropriated Soundtrack for a Further Culturally Appropriated Experience

In other words, when I become a shaman, heaven forbid, this is the soundtrack for my ceremony:

1.  In the Dark--Billy Squier.  Are you kidding me?  If this isn't the most apropris song ever for an Ayahuasca Ceremony, I'll be totally fucked and bent over puking.  Check out the lyrics, yo!:

https://genius.com/Billy-squier-in-the-dark-lyrics


2.  Hide in Your Shell--Supertramp.  A little more uplifting, but hell, isn't that why you are in this space to begin with?

3.  Double Life--The Cars.  Ok, a little different, but when you idle at the stop light you better have the signal right.  This goes out to all you crazy fucks that do this on a Saturday night and then go into work on Monday morning without missing a beat.  And you my friend, know exactly who we are talking about.

4.  Saved by Zero--The Fixx.  This call was a little bit controversial because maybe its a tad too obvious.  Still, for all of you trying to remember you buddha nature while everything else is going to hell in a hand-basket, we offer this paradoxical koan for your enjoyment.

5.  Reap the Wild Wind--UltraVox.  Take my hand, and take it all my friend.  I'll pull you right the fuck out of those dark places.

6.  My Secret Garden--Depeche Mode.  Its not so secret anymore.  Now you get to share it with everyone around you.  Whether you want to or not.

7.  Unsatisfied--The Replacements.  Thankfully this is a short one.  This will remind you why you did this in the first place.

8.  Gates of Steel--Devo.  Twist away, now twist and show.  If you dare that is....

9.  Magic--Olivia Newton John.  Destiny begins to arise as you begin to exit medicine space. 

10.  Naive Melody--Talking Heads.  You made it.  Don't you just love everybody and everything around you right now? 

The Slightly Forced Smile of the Slightly Sad Peter Pan

When I look at your eyes from the mirror I see my own.

The telltale signs:  the slightly forced smile from the slightly sad Peter Pan.  And don't get me wrong, there is only a modicum of effort required to generate that small uptake of the lips to transform the neutral expression to a smile. Even when no one is looking the mirror keeps reflecting a smile.  Which is good right? Can't have Mr. Poutyface around here now can we?

So lets pretend no one is looking.  Not me, not you, then what is the expression? 

Which is kind of a strange thing to do (go figure) because usually I think there is someone between me and the rest of what goes on around me.

Kinda like a friend.  But kinda not like a friend.

And I think at one time, he (or she) used to be a part of me, but we sorta got separated some time long ago into two people, or things, or mirrors--its kinda confusing.

 And after we became separated, he (or she) started running the show in some ways. Like he (or she) gives me all sorts of ideas about doing this or trying that or trying to do that or framing how I think about this or that.  Which is like sort of a drag because most of the time this guy or gal is getting it all wrong.  But as I'm still kinda new at the whole getting it right or getting it wrong thing--so I'm not sure.

 So I do this little dance sometimes.  I hypmotize myself.   And when I am hypmotized this little friend gets disoriented and goes away.   Or passes out.   And I know at some level that hypmotizing yourself may not be the most skillful thing to do. I should be like all lovey and touchy and squeezey and all like here friend, let me hold you and figure out why you get it all wrong.   And I'm working to that.  I really am.  Well, sometimes I really am anyway.

But Peter Pan can fly.  And Peter Pan can ride a horse.  At least in my universe he can.  So maybe if I just take off someday I will leave my little friend in the dust.  And then I will be all free and receptive to the universe.

And all alone.  (exert modicum of effort here for the smile bit):-).  But if I get to that place, maybe I will find that expression of my true face before my parents were born.  Maybe that's why I like looking at you from the mirror.

Hamburgers by Proxy

So I sit across from you at the small table next to the wood fire grill which roasts the flat little cheesy wheat things with mushrooms that wilt over before you shove them into your mouth and I say "do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"

And of course, that question is a mere formality, because who doesn't want to get asked a personal question?  Anybody with a heart anyway.  Or at least a modicum of curiosity.  So there must have been a nod, or a "yes" or some sort of wink or tacit acquiescence  because I continued....

"Blah blah blah, I say, everybody is on the spectrum to some degree blah blah blah, even me probably blah blah blah, but you ...you are you also well...well...are you on the spectrum?

And of course you aren't making eye contact at that point.  That is the whole point of the question.  That is Exhibit A.  And Exhibit B your honor is that that smiling glowing expression you make (which of course is adorable) the one where you clench your teeth and your eyes light up,  but that face even though it is ostensibly responding to me is not really directed at me, but to the imaginary person sitting next to me, or at my side, you know.  That is how I know you are responding to some sort of uncomfortable question.

"Yes," you say, blah blah blah have you heard of hamburgers by proxy?  Blah blah blah its where my brain can't make blah blah blah and I do blah blah blah and there is this gap blah blah blah blah.

And of course, when you are telling me this, I'm thinking who the frick put you into some sort of limiting pigeon hole telling you that your brain could or could not do something?  I mean really, I really want to have some sort of convo with them, and I don't care if they have some sort of initials like Ph.D or M.D. after their name, because what they have never learned in their little books is that the universe if vast and wide.  Incredibly vast and wide. And bulbous.   And anyone who tells you that you don't communicate this or that really has not seen the real glow of your aura functioning in the world.

And like that dog that sees something interesting but can't quite process it yet, I tilt my head to one side and want to tell you something like the real informational content exchanged between people is non-verbal, and I can hear you loud and clear and in the mystical space I inhabit where the energy of unit A (that being you) is transferred without any attenuation to unit B (that being me).  And moreover, your aura is absolutely blinding me in this room.   But what comes out is "I get you blah blah blah blah blah blah."

Which reminds me, while I completely engage in a non sequitur here (which is Exhibit C for both of us, your honor), there is this very small and yellow house outside of town.  I saw it late at night in one of my myriad dreams.   In fact this house is so small, maybe we should just call it a closet, that all you can do inside is lay down or bend your head so you don't hit the ceiling.  In other words, its just for sleeping and little else.  But in my mind this house on the outside is yellow and painted with neat white trim and is obviously well cared for.  But you were afraid of this house.  And did not want to talk about it.  So I won't.  I'm not sure what there is about this house that is scary.  But I'm fine for letting the house be.

In some ways, the house doesn't suit me either.  But if my friend Matt finds a nice little facility in Peru to explore the universe, one quantum entanglement at a time, I would like to spend time there in a tiny house down there with you.   And we could find out once and for all, what the source of that bright aura is.

My Responsibility

Love the stream that gushes from you.  Its not the medicine that was harsh to you, it was you my friend, all along.  Even this voice talking to you right now is you.  Isn't it wonderful.  Forgive, love, heal, accept everything.  Even the bad parts.  Even the really bad parts.  The universe is really you--you are it, baby.

And when you step into the spiritual realm, you don't change.  You only see your archetypes in full blown majesty.  And if you were lost in drama before, you will see it all more vividly, more painfully, that in your straight life.  And if you are running from things in life, don't expect any different in the medicine realm.

Just be kind.  Be easy.  Be patients.  Use lots of cilantro.   Think of your love for your daughters.   And go into it.  All if it.

Now that you have found an additional teacher, indigenous to your domain so to speak, bring this intention to encounters with it.  Or you can simply ride your horse.......