A Half Dozen (My Sixth Ceremony), Sweet Pain

Half Dozen (My Sixth Ceremony)

Almost desperately addressing imaginary past life traumas

like stealing clothes that I know won't fit me

because I know nothing is really wrong

but yes, if you want me to go to therapy as my Christmas present to you, I'll do it

and if you need the space for me to be alone

I'll promise to date fewer guys than you

I'll manifest the end to this confusion

Because I'm all in if you are, I promise


The hissing is on high

and the drums are everywhere

the gag reflex

the south american scorpion snake

spewing harsh fractal geometry

the completely drained chalice


in the distance

the acceptance I cannot reach

welcoming the bottom that does not arrive

purging projectiles down to the bone

but shackled circle cannot leave itself

and submit


please help me

I cannot do anything right

I have not done anything right

my whole life nothing

could end this moment


please help me

I'll do better

I will get up

thy will be done

I cannot see, but i will show up

this is what I do, this is what I am

kindness





Sweet Pain

Sweet Pain

filling my heart to overflowing

I was wrong to turn you away

my prodigal friend

Let me feel your embrace

your strange energy

bridging the gap

everything has already changed

the future is here

I am just catching up

one trembling breath at a time

The Mountain

I set off to climb the mountain that I could never climb
somehow that wasn't the point
it would take too long
the top was too high and covered with ice
and like the Wehrmacht, I brought no winter clothing

With me was a guide
and I think there was a dog
we started off in the cover of darkness
without any food
like thieves in the night

In the early going there was a problem
I'm not sure what it was
but at this rate we would never get there
and likely we would be discovered

I didn't want to get too close to the edge
the fall would surely kill me
but maybe I could learn how to fly on the way down?
why did I start this journey
in the first place?

I imagined a meadow
covered with flowers
I wanted to lay down
and feel the wind suck in and out
and see the pin point of light
in the total darkness

Tubac Anza

Your life is not what you think it is

I won’t be able to come up with the words

Everything you thought that mattered

Will not be able to explain

Coming out of the confusion into the light.

Perhaps there is a story

That you thought explained what happened 

But it’s a joke without a punchline

Part of something spacious and grand 

Something not about you that

You will never fathom.

You may look back

Disembodied spirits prodding you along

Everything you saw in that dream

Did not really happen that way

The fish does not need dry land.

It was never yours

And the scary thing is it may happen again 

In a different form

Over and over

In an infinite heaven

not so different than hell

Or at least some darkly humorous version of it.
  

So who needs space?

Dive in

It’s everywhere 

Vast heavy and oppressive 

Waves crashing in silent moments and

Velvet covers

(Mostly in st Ann’s Church—or the nearest bathtub)