A Byte out of the Apple, Ch. 2

I awoke the next morning to discover that much to my chagrin, my iPhone had been surgically implanted in my body.

Ira Glass of "This American Life" kept following me around asking for money:  "Mr. Pseudopumpkin, our records indicate that you have been accessing our content at a rate of 4Ggbt/week for the past 5 years and still have not contributed to NPR and our show.  If you don't contribute now, we are going to take further action."

"Siri,"  I thought, "delete `This American Life app.'"

""I'm sorry Mr. Pseudopumpkin," she retorted.  "But according to section XXII(a)(4)(x) of your software license, functionality of this app is the within the exclusive control of the network administrator and you have relinquished all rights to alter same."

My facebook message screen lighted up.   Ira was posting graphs illustrating my usage of NPR content versus my donations on my profile page:

"Siri, unfriend Ira Glass," I thought.  "I'm sorry Mr. Pseudopumpkin," she retorted.  "But according to section XXIV(a)(2)(g) of your software license, the copyright of your friend list is the within the exclusive control of the network administrator and you have relinquished all rights to alter the same."

"Then get me out of here, Siri"

My red hovercraft appeared next to me.  The driver side door opened.  I stepped in.

"Siri, take me to Sangamon river station."

"Now playing `Take me to the River.'"

Al Green and David Bryne appeared and started signing:

"All the trouble that you put me through
Take my money, my cigarettes
I haven't seen the worst of it yet
I wanna know, can you'll tell me? "

"No, drive me to the river, Siri.   Cancel ITunes program."

My hovercar whisked away with dizzying speed.

IRA continued to follow me.   There was a GPS chip embedded in my IPhone.  Evasion would be difficult.  I wanted to break his horn rim glasses and wipe that geeky smile off his face.