Things that Don't Go Together, Ch. 13

Devo's "Whip it" and Kendrick Lamar's " Swimming Pools (Drank)"

Ok, so word on the street is that I'm not much of rap fan.   I've asked around and confirmed that this is indeed the case.

But this whole "Swimming Pools" song keeps reverberating.  What does this 2012 rap song from a denizen of South Central have to do with a bunch of 1980s Kent State art school geeks whipping it?

I think its all the in the chorus of the imperatives.   Compare the directives given by Mr. Lamar's internal narrator:

Pour up drank, head shot drank
Sit down drank, stand up drank
Pass out drank, wake up drank
Faded drank, faded drank

With those from Mr. Casale, the author of the Devo lyrics:

Shape it up
Get straight
Go forward
Move ahead
Try to detect it
(It's not too late)
To whip it
Whip it good.

The "Swimming Pool" chorus reflects the dehumanized alcohol infused world of the rap star whose life is compressed into simple directives:  wake up, drink, stand up, pass out etc.  The song has two high points:   The chorus' ending instruction "Faded" is not only a metaphor the dissipation of the protagonists life, but the music also fades, symbolizing the fading potential of the rap star continuing on alcohol paved path.   Groovy.

Even more groovy is the feeble attempt of the super ego (labeled the "conscience") to propel the young Kendrick on a more wholesome path:


Okay, now open your mind up and listen to me, Kendrick
I'm your conscience, if you do not hear me
Then you will be history, Kendrick
I know that you're nauseous right now
And I'm hopin' to lead you to victory, Kendrick
If I take another one down
I'ma drown in some poison abusin' my limit
I think that I'm feelin' the vibe
I see the love in her eyes, I see the feelin'
The freedom is granted as soon as the damage of vodka arrive
This how you capitalize
This is parental advice
Then apparently, I'm over influenced by what you are doin'
I thought I was doin' the most then someone said to me

Still, the shrill voice of the conscience, like that of Kendrick's mother, is no match for the swimming pool filled with beer.   In the end, I see Kendrick faded, literally and figuratively.


Devo's emasculated protagonist is similarly reduced to following robotic directives.  I don't get the sense there is any alcohol involved.  This is Devo after all.  These dudes stay at home on saturday night and make fun of the joko homos who cruise the streets after the football games picking up cheerleaders.   After graduation Devo denizens bemoan their long commutes in traffic jams in their silicon valley jobs.   I think I'd personally prefer the swimming pool.   To begin with, there are more chicks.   Its all about the chicks, right?  Maybe there is some good Imperial Stout in that swimming pool.  

Devo has no mother and no conscience.  Instead of the shrill mother telling Kendrick he needs to change his evil ways, all Devo has is an empty platitude.  When that problem comes along, you must whip it.  Like a caricature of a Dale Carnegie course they learned in a weekend seminar.   How to win friends, influence people, over come all problems is 7 easy steps.  You can whip it!

Its a blizzard out there today.   Yesterday was 3rd at trivia, followed by homespun and old rasputin.  Lucy and Linus playing christmas time on piano.  Studio 360

The Open Microphone, Ch. 3

I.  Madame Bovaries' Ovaries

The ardor aroused in men from women can only be satisfied from God.
The ardor aroused in women from men can only be satisfied.

A haze of frustration clung like that small piece of shit that refuses to be wiped.

The worst were drunk and loud.   The could not keep their pants on.  
The best were not the best according to the most.  They sat and stared at their Apple Pie drinks.  No one was running the ship.   Not even the dude with the mohawk.

If you can't stand the noise, get out of the kitchen.
Outside it was raining.

Why are we here here anyway?  Is it really because my little corner of the universe is an illusion?

This little corner of the universe is a stinky man cave.

II.  Gustave Flaubert's derriere

Now we are aboard the SS Minnow

Ahoy Captain Marvin!

I sail!

With electric fans we propel over the seven seas.

We toss our gold fish into receptacles filled with rum.

If we hit the one on the right, we drink the rum.

The one on the left is the captain's. 

Why is the captain all wet?  Is this a wet tshirt contest?

And how did that mouse come aboard?

Shiver me timbers! Hoist the mainsail!  Its a world premier!

According to His Ex-Wife, Craig R. Would Make a Great Freddie Mercury Impersonator

The Springfield Radiological, Urological, and Gynecological Associates

proudly present...

A One Night Gala to Benefit AIDS research

December 7, 2012 at the Prairie Capitol Convention Center

honoring....

The World's Hottest Freddie Mercury Impersonators

                                                                               

                                                                                           featuring...

                                                                  From Brazil:

                                                       Los Fredious Mercuramous



                                               Memphis' Most Memorable Lounge Act:                

                                                                  Elvis Mercury 



                                                        Las Vegas' Terrible Twosome:

                                                           Siegfried & Freddie


                                                    
                                                     Mr. Conservative (and Friends):

                                                        The Freddie Mercury Trio


                    And Last But Certainly Not Least:

Michael Jackson Mercury

Tickets available in advance at Metrotix, Paypal

and wherever Mammograms are preformed

A Wink Martindale Production.

A Byte out of the Apple, Ch. 2

I awoke the next morning to discover that much to my chagrin, my iPhone had been surgically implanted in my body.

Ira Glass of "This American Life" kept following me around asking for money:  "Mr. Pseudopumpkin, our records indicate that you have been accessing our content at a rate of 4Ggbt/week for the past 5 years and still have not contributed to NPR and our show.  If you don't contribute now, we are going to take further action."

"Siri,"  I thought, "delete `This American Life app.'"

""I'm sorry Mr. Pseudopumpkin," she retorted.  "But according to section XXII(a)(4)(x) of your software license, functionality of this app is the within the exclusive control of the network administrator and you have relinquished all rights to alter same."

My facebook message screen lighted up.   Ira was posting graphs illustrating my usage of NPR content versus my donations on my profile page:

"Siri, unfriend Ira Glass," I thought.  "I'm sorry Mr. Pseudopumpkin," she retorted.  "But according to section XXIV(a)(2)(g) of your software license, the copyright of your friend list is the within the exclusive control of the network administrator and you have relinquished all rights to alter the same."

"Then get me out of here, Siri"

My red hovercraft appeared next to me.  The driver side door opened.  I stepped in.

"Siri, take me to Sangamon river station."

"Now playing `Take me to the River.'"

Al Green and David Bryne appeared and started signing:

"All the trouble that you put me through
Take my money, my cigarettes
I haven't seen the worst of it yet
I wanna know, can you'll tell me? "

"No, drive me to the river, Siri.   Cancel ITunes program."

My hovercar whisked away with dizzying speed.

IRA continued to follow me.   There was a GPS chip embedded in my IPhone.  Evasion would be difficult.  I wanted to break his horn rim glasses and wipe that geeky smile off his face. 

Give a Little Bit of Your Blood to Me, Ch. 2

The appearance of the Red Cross on a battlefield or other occasion of calamity or disaster is usually welcomed with the perception that whole blood is being distributed to those in need.

What is not generally known, except among vampires, is that it is on these occasions that blood is actually collected in earnest.  This is because whenever humanity experiences trauma or strife, the hemocrit or percentage of red blood cells in its blood skyrockets.  Hemocrit means everything to the vampire, it is the difference between drinking blood that tastes like fine wine as opposed to garbage.   In the past, vampires were able to collect blood after scaring the shit out of their victims and then proceeding to suck the blood out of pulsating artery.  Collecting blood in this "old fashioned way" carried with it a number of risks, most notably being detection by humans.   By receiving blood though the Red Cross, vampires have been able to keep their existence more or less secret from mortals.

Speaking of secrecy, Penelope was having a more and more difficult time keeping her secret from Herman.  Covering her face during sex was only the beginning.   Herman was a day person and though Penelope caked herself in sun screen, she could not avoid the natural aversion that vampires have to daytime.  Penelope altered her work schedule so that she would work only at night.  The couple often found time together in the afternoon after Herman woke from his siesta, and Penelope, from her interrupted sleep which normally would have extended to the evening.   It was during this "after siesta" time that the couple often had sex, which kept an otherwise difficult relationship in tact.  At least in the beginning.

Problems began in earnest when Herman altered his sexual routine.   Frustrated with the fact that the pillow was preventing any contact with his lover's face, Herman sought to increase their intimacy through scrupulous attention to other parts of Penelope's body.   Which worked for awhile.  Eventually, Herman became frustrated that his scrupulous attentions were not reciprocated.  Penelope still clung to her pillow.  To do otherwise would have permitted her to bite off more than she could proverbially chew.   Herman began to wonder if Penelope was less adventurous in bed that he might of otherwise hoped.  If he only knew...

Give a Little Bit of Your Blood to Me, Ch. 1

Over 50 percent of blood donated to the Red Cross goes to vampires.

Why else would they call it the Red "Cross"?

If you investigate the list of donor companies to the Red Cross you will find that a single anonymous corporate benefactor is responsible for over 70 percent of their monetary donations world wide. 

That anonymous benefactor is the largest manufacturer of sun screens and sun tan lotions in the world.   The sun screens this company creates provide unparalleled protection from the sun.   So much so that vampires using the sun screen for the first time in history can appear in daylight.  Vampires, of course, use a special blend that is not readily available to the general public.   The rest of us get a watered down version.   I know this because Herman Ortega y Gasset used work for the company before his untimely death.  That is where he fell in love with a vampire.  Her name was Penelope.

Herman worked in the sales department at the company.  Penelope in shipping.   When they first met, they were ensnared in an immediate and palpable attraction.   For many months Penelope kept Herman at arms length.   For vampires, taking on a human lover is frowned upon.   Better to just get it over with.  But Penelope did not want to condemn Herman to a life of the undead.   But passions usually get the best of even the most resolute, and eventually at a company Christmas party Penelope found herself agreeing to accompany Herman to a bar and later to Herman's house.

Herman, of course, did not know Penelope was a vampire.  The existence of vampires has never been proven despite Hollywood's attempts to the contrary.  Had he known she was a vampire, it probably would not have made any difference as the two hurriedly removed their clothing and discarded them on his bed.  Penelope demonstrated slightly more restraint.  She dimly perceived that during their impending love making that she may lose control to the point where she might inadvertently bite or nibble on Herman's exposed carotid or other blood vessels which may present themselves to her.  If this occurred and the slightest blood was exposed, it would be all for Herman, who would be quickly devoured in Penelope's frenzy.

So Penelope did the only sensible thing.  Before Herman entered her, she grabbed the nearest  pillow and placed it over her face as a shield between her teeth and her lover's flesh.

(ok, so i'm still not over this cold.  which sucks.   watching some cruz movies:-))