Inadequate instructions for just about anything, Ch. 4

How to Spoon.

Overview:   Humans are pack animals.   They sleep better in groups.  That means you and you.

Step 1:  Differentiate between the Spoon"or" and the Spoon"ee."  Typically, the Spoonor is male and the Spoonee is female.   However, some reciprocality may be helpful.  Especially if the male is reptilian. This is because we all know that ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny in cold blooded species.

Step 2:  As Mark Mothersbaugh would say:  Assume the position.   There are two basic recommended positions:  the side straddle and the head pillow.  Here is the side straddle:

In the side straddle, both the spoonor and the spoonee sleep on their right sides.  The spoonor drapes his/her left arm over the spoonee's left side.

In the head pillow, the spoonee puts his/her head on the right shoulder of the spoonor treating it as a pillow.  Such as thus and thus:

 This bring us to the crucial issue:  what happens to the spoonor's right arm?  Blood supply to said appendage is crucial to ensure maximal temporal snuggling.   For if the circulation is curtailed, said appendage grows numb and the spoonor must alter his/her position early into the snuggling process.  This is counterproductive to maximum spooning effect.

Step 3:  Maintain proper circulation in the spoonor's right appendage.  The provisional recommendation in this regard is that the spoonor extend his/her right appendage under a pillow to prevent curtailment of circulation to the right appendage.   Snodgress et. al, in their 2001 study investigated the possibility of cutting  a circular hole into the bottom of the sleeping platform and extending the right appendage of the spoonor distally into said hole so that that said appendage extends to the floor.   If resources permit, cutting a circular hole in said manner appears to be the most advantageous position.

Step 4:  Maximize olfactory potential.  In both the side straddle and the head pillow, the olfactory sensors of the spoonor are in close proximity to the neck and hair of the spoonee.  As such, it is recommended that the spoonee maximize pleasurable smell to his/her hair to encourage nuzzling by the spoonor into the spoonee's neck cavity.  In this regard, it is suggested that a spoonee utilize a shampoo with a pleasing aroma.   Hair spray in such circumstances is discouraged.