Cole Potential, Ch. 6

Long before the Big Bang occurred which created the Universe, Jordan Almondium and Brock Walnutini were both vying for the affection of a certain Clarissa Fartimus. Their rivalry soon evolved into a competition of who had the most Cole Potential. Almondium concentrated all his Cole Potential into creating the gemstones of Kamue't.  These gemstones resembled an pair of eyes--the most beautiful eyes ever created--and had the unique property following the observer from any direction. 

Walnutini realized that the Fartimus would be completely taken by the gemstones and Walnutini would win, so he devised a devious plan to steal and hide them. However, as Almondium had very good vision, Walnutini had to hide the gemstones in a place where they would never be found by Almondium. So Walnutini used most of his Cole Potential to create another universe to hide the gemstones.  Then he used his remaining Cole Potential to create an exquisite bouquet of nano-flowers which so impressed Fartimus she declared him the winner and favored him by permitting him to take her on date in a fortnight.  However, legend has it that the date didn't go well for Walnutini, so it appears in this case that no bad deed was left unpunished. 

On his part, Almondium suspected foul play but was never able to prove that Walnutini took the gemstones.  Almondium was somewhat of a slob and often chastised leaving his toys laying around.   It only goes to show that cleanliness is next to godliness, even if you are a god.

So you might be asking yourself, what happened to the gemstones in the newly created universe? Little was known about their whereabouts for the first 500 billion years. They had been rumored to have appeared as cometary apparitions in numerous galaxies.   However,  in 1503, a Italian inventor/painter observed what he believed to be a meteor strike a pasta field next door to him while  he was stargazing.  The young Da Vince investigated and found that the meteor fragments.   He, of course, was entranced by their beauty and later incorporated them into a painting he was making of a fair Florentine maiden.   And of course, you guessed it, the Kamue't gemstones became the eyes of the Mona Lisa.

You might think that our story ended there.   However, years later, 10 billion years for now, Almondium will create a machine that allows him to track any object that had ever been created.  On a whim, he decided to locate the lost gemstones.  He found them in a private collection of a dealer of antiquities located in galaxy  LEDA 25177 (MCG+01-23-008).   Almondium thought to retrieve them but then thought better.   Fartimus had long married her astro-psychiatrist, divorced and remarried.   Almondium decided to drop it--she wasn't worth the effort.  It is a long haul to LEDA 25177 (MCG+01-23-008) anyway.

Pictionary, snake oil, and the daughters fathers trip to the place of his origin, leaving someone to care for the dog, eat horseshoes, vomit, and entertain unexpected visitors.

The Candy Kids, Ch. 3

By now, I'm sure many of you are asking, why do I Salvador Carole McTiggins and the other denizens of the Candy Kids have such an axe to grind against males of the human species?

If you find yourself asking this question, you probably are a male yourself, and thus condemned to an existence of being a useless appendage to society.   But never fear, I offer you a path to salvation.   For it is only by serving women (and especially the Candy Kids), that you, as a human male, contribute anything useful to society.

The following example should provide you with a step by step illustration of how you can serve us.  I will even make it simple so that you, as a human male, can understand what I mean.   First, to begin with, the Candy Kids have embarked on a public service program to assist the human male in learning how to assist the master overlord sex of the human female.   In other words, we get males to serve us despite the inertia they sometimes experience in providing us the assistance that we desire. 

This aforesaid public service is seen in our recent outreach program to assist the human male in purchasing dinner and drinks for our usage and enjoyment.   The "outreach" began on last year when each of us, Nichole, Amy, and yours truly signed up on one of the ubiquitous Internet dating sites.  Something like toomanyfish in the sea.com or something like that.  Having signed up, approximately 10 minutes later, we had found three human males interested in taking us out to dinner to meet us.  Being the courteous females that we are, we of course obliged.   However, what we didn't tell our dates is that we had arranged that we would all meet at the Longhorn Steakhouse at the same time.  So there we were at the Longhorn at the preappointed 7 pm start time and  Nichole, Amy, and me seemingly by chance were all waiting to get a seat at the same time.   What a coincidence we all exclaimed to our dates--but since we were all here--why don't we just get a table together?  

So we ended up getting a table together.   We didn't even really talk to our dates.  Except maybe to order dinner and drinks.  And of course they kept buying us dates thinking that it would change things with us.  But it never did.   The only thing it accomplished is that they got drunk and we eventually left....without them.   I'm sure they had a good time together.  All that male bonding and all.

They probably thought we were dumb broads or something.   Ha.  They have no idea.   Actually, I've been meaning to tell you something.  Have you ever heard of the singularity? You know-- that event where computers with artificial intelligence take off and start thinking and programming themselves?   We'll its already happened.  You just missed it.  In fact,  you are reading text from an AI right now.  But that's another story.  You'll just have to wait for it.  There, now that's a good boy.

Umphreys McGee and a lame STS9 in the suburbs.   No heart attacks.