Oleander Breath with Turkey Tails

I want to be the baba in your ganoush

the guac in your mole

the spring in your roll

the egg in your plant,

the seed in your linseed,

the crack that lets the light in

the non in your sequitur

the bourbon in your aged barrel

and the cask in your amontillado

Further, I want to be all opportunistic in your organism,

or in your prairie grass

or the red foot in your snapping newt that neither is red nor snaps at your feet.

I want to take your breath away, without watching that piece of shit top gun movie where the actress looks so old now

I want to be all Tom Cruise with your Nicole Kidman, before they both got too fucking weird

I want to be the 2001 in your space odyssey,  the Hal in your singularity,  and the probe in your event horizon.

In short, I want to be the science in your Scientology, without all that fake religion, and if that doesn't work, I want to fantasize that when you would theoretically scream out L.Ron, L.Ron, L. Ron, you are really thinking about me,

for what Confucius says, is really about me and you, and you and me, in one giant gooey Tao Te Ching, that smells like Oleander, and tastes like Paw Paws, that was eaten long ago, in another life time, by us both

The Spirit of the Plant

Take away everything that I have ever said about Ayahuasca not having a spirit.  That it is all in my mind.  That is never speaks to me.  I finally got the message.  You'd think that I would have understood this after my other little crazy adventures.  But now I get it.

There is a spirit.  Where it takes me is not of my own background.  And if if it takes me to some part of my collective unconscious, so be it.  Whatever the space it takes me to, it is not mine.  It never was.  But I was there before, before I was born or in some past life.   And I will be there again.

The spirit spoke softly to me initially.  At Costa Rica, the first thing that it said was "do you really want to do this."  And I don't think I really responded.   I certain didn't understand what I was being asked.

So having not received the message of what was at stake, it kept re-framing the question.  On basically what amounted to a microdose of the medicine, it took me to an all familiar place.  "See Mike, this is the real ceremony.  This moment.  You have been here before through time immemorial.  And these people or things leading the ceremony, are dispassionate.  And they are are ancient and vaguely Mayan, as much as they are alien.    There is no love here.  There is no welcoming.  This is what you do.  This is like the way-station.  You come here and are reborn.  This is what you have done.  What  you see and experience here is what you have seen and experienced before."

And then the break occurs.  I lose awareness of where I am and who I am.  In this world, I do not remember what happens in that world.  I do not remember it now.  I really wish I did.  Maybe that is the key.  What I do remember when I am in that world, is something is horribly wrong.   I tell the woman who drove me to the ceremony, "I did not know that you accompany me on these journeys."  And that is a true statement when I make it.  Because I have become someone else.  And the rules are different.  I continue to her nevertheless:  "I want to go back to my old life and the farmhouse.  I do not want to be here.  I do not want to ever do this again."

And then it repeats.  You cry out for a woman, a different woman each time who will not come.  Of course.  For the cries in medicine space are never heard in this space, even by law enforcement (lol).

And the shaman sings icaros in you ear.  A good shaman this time.  And still you think he is evil.  And the icaros are trying to tranquilize you.

And you try to be born against the evil things holding you back.   And of course, by now, they are literally and figuratively holding you back. And of course, like before, you think they are evil.    Where before, you wanted to be the one sperm that lives to fertilize the egg,  now you want to be the one plant that survives the endless competition of nature, to be with her an reproduce.   Its all about biology right?  The survival of the fittest  Where would you get that idea at these days?  lol    And you feel that this struggle is familiar,  and you want to get further than you did last time.  Even if you again can't make it this time.  And that is why you cling to the underneath of the car so that they cannot carry you back to the ceremony room.  And that is why you refuse water because that will drug you and make you weak like alcohol, just like before.   And you strip off your clothes because they are vestiges of garments of this world that will hold you back.  Yes, my friend, you really did that. 

And of course, there is no voice inside you reminding you of where you are actually at, and who the demons actually are.  And no voice just telling you to surrender and let this be, to go into it.  For this is all part of the journey, right?

And of course, the container of the ceremony is all wrong.  It does not contain me.  I must want to go back to that ceremony of my own volition.  If you try and drag me back, I will think you are evil and resist.  It would be nice to break out of that cycle.

And I suppose that is the carrot left dangling ahead of me.  That I can learn to surrender to the medicine ceremony.  And be reborn.  But something in this life won't let me.  Even my intention to surrender going in is vetoed in a big way.  Until I resolve to let go completely of this life, to sacrifice everything, to be reborn, I will not take another run at it.   That is the spirit of the plant speaking to me.   But I don't want that cold dispassionate ceremony where there is no love, no compassion, no understanding.  And I imagine this is why the religions  based on love developed in response to this realization.  Religions of love developed to bring hope and faith.  And with them, humanity attempted to escape the realization of our destiny.

And then my new friend Grizz tells me of his similar story, and how he learned to surrender.  And I wish there would have been something in me at that time, some voice comforting me.  But there was nothing.  Just a tenacious ego clinging to its dear life.

And he tells me that this is the hero's journey.

And I imagine a ceremony with on all kinds of messages scattered all over the place reminding me that this is not real.  That I came here to surrender.  And I see myself completing the journey.  But I wonder how is this possible, when I lose my volition, and what emerges is as wild and untamed as a frightened animal fighting for survival.

And the shaman asks we afterwards if I have vivid dreams.  And of course, I do.  The veil between the spirit world and this world is thin for me.  And maybe the wild untamed me will come to me in this world, and I can surrender to it and work with it, without diving back into the medicine space.

I don't know my friend.  I am without answers.  Only questions.

We Are All Children of the Light/Golden Teacher Ch. 1

Never forget through all the confusion, through all the tossing and turning, through all the thickets and brambles that we are children of light.  Even in our darkest hour, I was looking for the light; we are looking for the light.

The sunlight is the source of our life.  Without that light there would be no life.  We are children of that light.  That is what we cannot forget.  Play with that light, it's all good my friend.  Bring that light to everyone that you encounter.  That is the Golden Teacher.  Ha ha ha.

My Golden Teachers are showing me all sorts of interesting stuff.

First it gave me the choice of whether I wanted to experience it.   The scary stuff.   And I said yes.  And then I asked to trust my intuition.    They are showing me how to work with my pain and how it is this pain that is holding me back.  The pain that is in my body in so many places, in my shoulders, structures.  It was showing me my skeleton and saying that I could go into it and then go out of it.  How to work with it.  Even the scary nursery rhyme that comes up in this space, it surrounded in a ball of energy and put it in a deep cavern that was then proving me warmth.  Its letting me experience it as warmth.  What a wonderful protective device.

The nursery rhyme I experienced was a fear of infinity.  Some of the words were mathematical, concepts of unbelievably large numbers.  Its letting me go into it and put words on it.

It is being so much more gentle with me and showing me how to work with the scary stuff.  Go into it, and then go out of it, like coming up for air.  Its giving me distance from the scary stuff.

And its letting me shake.  So much of this is fear in my body I can feel it and shake with it.  Its not in my mind, its in my body.

And I am comforting my father, my arms on his body because his fear is my fear and my fear is his fear.  There is just so much of it and I'm in this aquarium now and its dark.  Its trying to show me something.

Its giving me the choice to rewire my brain, to experience the warmth and the heat.  And the love.  And the R.  lol

You go to the realm of the dark places and you feel them envelop you like a seed under the earth.  Remember that you are a child of the light.  And the sin is forgetfulness.  And that's why so many things have been written down in bibles so that we would not forget.  And that's why like a joke people forget and then have to relearn everything.  But we are children of the light.  We are children of the sun.  And we shine love and light on one another.

That is what God is, the (work, worth?) of the sunlight reflected in other people. That is why we congregate.  That is why we can feel the warmth and excitement of the other.  Enjoy it, all of that is the sunlight.

And those that are without the sun, sadness.   I have seen that the energy of M is the negative energy and you know and I know and everyone knows that we have to break free and go the other side.

And its telling me to trust the R, and love the R.  And like a joke, we laugh at whether I should contact the R in this space.  But you know, and I know, and they know that that is never a good idea.