Despite the plethora of my new practices which I have memorialized in my little book, everything to do with centering and creating in the universe what you want to see or was that seeing in the universe what you want to create? Or was that pissing in the wind? I'm not sure it makes much of a difference. It certainly didn't seem so last night. When the rubber hit the road, there a was bundle of negativity. Negative energy coming constricting me without relief.
It's not that I haven't noticed this before. It sort of pervades everything. The proclivity (maybe it is more of an orientation) of me to withdraw at the first instance things don't turn out rosey. Which is of course ironic, because I seem to pride myself on showing up. Sure, physically I am there. I am at these ceremonies when I could be back drinking wine or listening to music. I am at work in an ostensibly demanding job--which it actually is at times. I meditate every day like a good little trooper. I do the podcasts, I get texts from the Iman inviting me to that thing tonight. Hell I seem to get invited to almost every form of church in town. I have my little routines with my daughters. I play drums. I trance dance. I do my civic things. I do my art things. I do the whole lucid dreaming inducing thing. Lately I've even been doing more shit for other people if you can believe that. I show up at a lot of shit out of a form of compulsion but I'm not really there. Not really. Because sometimes I am. And I know when I'm not. I wasn't there on Saturday.
It was a scene that had been carried out before. It was fun and games at first. Blah blah blah. I even joke about it: dancing around holding hands in a circle. "Who says ayahuasca can't be fun." Everybody laughs. Gallows humor. Because I know what is going to happen. When my turn comes to do a yoga pose, I make up one, not the down dog, lion or eagle, but a very human pose, the human retching pose. Because I already felt the nausea coming. And yes Ms. "Positivity never think a bad thought" (hereinafter "Ms. T") did not appreciate that quip because it interjected a little negativity into her world of rainbows and unicorns (see photo below for a different type of unicorn). Well fuck her. That's what this is supposed to do right, you purge out the negative energy, the demons, the unconscious drives or whatever they are. And the deeper you purge the better you are supposed to feel afterwards. Or so the story goes.
The struggle with my story and the whole purging thing is that I never seem to get much relief from it and it seems unrelenting. To be fair, sometimes there is some relief, for example, I remember puking out what I felt was my pride in Rythmia. And other things: what felt like the endless confusion of that whole relationship(s) thing; and last night I felt a little relief after the dry heaves ended and I produced some yellow liquid that produced some concomitant serotonergic response in my brain (yea, I'm a neuroscience wanna be--just wait until my next podcast). Sandstar said that he has never met anyone who purged as much as I do. He shouldn't have told me that. Right Ms. T? You shouldn't give people a negative narrative because they create their own reality and we must at all times be positive and vibrate at a higher level.
Anyway, here are more negative narratives. I usually go to bed at 10:30. When the second cup comes around at 2 a.m. and then you expect me to meditate in the dark for 45 min. and then dance to your trance stuff and stomp around all the while I'm dry heaving I'm not going to be the most energetic soul. Goddamn it start the ceremonies at 6 for the middle age types. lol
And Jerry Rice. I know this story is probably apocryphal, but he was allegedly relentless is his attention to detail in style, clothing, manner and in all forms of his outward manifestations. As a result, he ran the perfectly timed pass patterns and was Joe Montana's favorite receiver. Not only that, but he is considered one of the NFL greats even though he lacked the natural talents of speed, height, and dexterity of many of his contemporaries. He was an overachiever. For me that Saturday night I was everything he wasn't. My office is a disaster. I have an abundance of cheap TJ Maxx clothes that don't fit me, I drive around a car that doesn't project any freaking image.
Let's go back to the car thing. The life coach Ms. T. drives a Tesla. And she is annoying. Because she is right. I sometimes don't have a positive mental attitude. I don't manifest what I want in the world because most of the time I DO NOT REALLY KNOW WHAT I WANT. And when you don't have an intention with the medicine or with life it can punish you sometimes.
Are you done now?
Good. lol
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