Nicotina Rustica

We are being drawn to grow and thrive
though it might not feel like it
the universe does not care about temporary pain.
Indeed, we are not in charge
I am not me
there is so much more than what we think we are.

So we can let the spirit move us.
During the day, channelling the flow as best we can
and at night letting the boundaries completely dissolve
relax into not knowing
and when discomfort arises, create space for it to move inside us
to the higher destination

We are being drawn to grow and thrive
though  it might not feel like it
and I look back and I remember what it felt to be separate from this process
and laugh
even when we think we are not expressing it, when we feel isolated and separate
we are always expressing it
Everything we say do feel or express is the way

We are not in control.
It is all about expansion
and if you have one intention
let it be that
think big
feel the immenseness of it all
for it is not about ourself
it is about our potential.

Have you Heard that Oxytocin Produces Contractions in Both Females and Males?

 It was supposed to end an hour ago, but you fell asleep now it continues, even more disconcerting than before.  Don't you remember?  If you fall asleep in DMT/Harmine space and you wake up, well, do you?  That's the whole point, isn't it?   

So you remember to enter the trance.  And the voices start.  "You can hear us when you enter the trance", the voices say.  "Get to Theta, and you can hear us better."
I laugh.  Or part of me laughs.  See, this is part projection, and part reality.  It really doesn't matter.  That is the funny part.  Terence McKenna talked to aliens.   I just listen to projections.  I'm not sure if my projections are telling me anything interesting. They are just putting together odd memories of past and present into weird combinations.

Until they show me a home I was at in grade school.  It was at the bottom of a hill in Casper, Wyoming.  A vague memory of a sleep over or staying at a babysitters.  Waking up late at night to my parents picking me up.  And something more.  This is part of the journey.  I am not afraid.  I will remember this time.  This is part of the journey.  I am not afraid.
There were curtains.  It was at a bottom of a hill.  And it was late at night. Then the trance overtook me.

It had been awhile since I had seen him.

That look was new.  The vacant stare.  The parted mouth.  The premature death mask.

He is dying, as we all are, inexorably.

And I have a unique vantage point of this decline brought on by my current occupation which often delays resolution of human disputes out of an abundance of inertia.  In short, this case had been dragging on for years, and like the Flying Dutchman, I see him in court only annually.  I can see the gradual decline that those most familiar to him would overlook. 

His last name is classically English.  And I look into his dimming life and am invigorated. For I see his ancestors leaving Scandinavia or England or Ireland or perhaps Northern Europe and migrating to the new world.  Their struggles are etched into his wrinkles.  Their life produces this moment.   And his open mouth listening to the Judge is life.  Beautiful life.  For this is the continuum.   And in moments like these, even in Macoupin county--I am fearless. 

Projections into the Muck

I lost track of how many ceremonies this has been.  I don't even count the micro-ceremonies anymore.  Which is a good thing, because they are almost every week.

Despite the plethora of my new practices which I have memorialized in my little book, everything to do with centering and creating in the universe what you want to see or was that seeing in the universe what you want to create?   Or was that pissing in the wind? I'm not sure it makes much of a difference.  It certainly didn't seem so last night.  When the rubber hit the road, there a was bundle of negativity.  Negative energy coming constricting me without relief.

It's not that I haven't noticed this before.  It sort of pervades everything.  The proclivity (maybe it is more of an orientation) of me to withdraw at the first instance things don't turn out rosey.  Which is of course ironic, because I seem to pride myself on showing up.  Sure, physically I am there. I am at these ceremonies when I could be back drinking wine or listening to music.  I am at work in an ostensibly demanding job--which it actually is at times. I meditate every day like a good little trooper.  I do the podcasts, I get texts from the Iman inviting me to that thing tonight.  Hell I seem to get invited to almost every form of church in town.   I have my little routines with my daughters.  I play drums.  I trance dance. I do my civic things.  I do my art things.  I do the whole lucid dreaming inducing thing.  Lately I've even been doing more shit for other people if you can believe that.  I show up at a lot of shit out of a form of compulsion but I'm not really there.  Not really.  Because sometimes I am.  And I know when I'm not.  I wasn't there on Saturday.

It was a scene that had been carried out before.  It was fun and games at first.  Blah blah blah.  I even joke about it: dancing around holding hands in a circle.  "Who says ayahuasca can't be fun."  Everybody laughs.  Gallows humor.  Because I know what is going to happen.  When my turn comes to do a yoga pose, I make up one, not the down dog, lion or eagle, but a very human pose, the human retching pose.  Because I already felt the nausea coming.  And yes Ms. "Positivity never think a bad thought" (hereinafter "Ms. T") did not appreciate that quip because it interjected a little negativity into her world of rainbows and unicorns (see photo below for a different type of unicorn).  Well fuck her.  That's what this is supposed to do right, you purge out the negative energy, the demons, the unconscious drives or whatever they are.  And the deeper you purge the better you are supposed to feel afterwards.  Or so the story goes.

The struggle with my story and the whole purging thing is that I never seem to get much relief from it and it seems unrelenting.  To be fair, sometimes there is some relief, for example, I remember puking out what I felt was my pride in Rythmia.  And other things:  what felt like the endless confusion of that whole relationship(s) thing; and last night I felt a little relief after the dry heaves ended and I produced some yellow liquid that produced some concomitant serotonergic response in my brain (yea, I'm a neuroscience wanna be--just wait until my next podcast).  Sandstar said that he has never met anyone who purged as much as I do.  He shouldn't have told me that.  Right Ms. T?  You shouldn't give people a negative narrative because they create their own reality and we must at all times be positive and vibrate at a higher level.

Anyway, here are more negative narratives.  I usually go to bed at 10:30.  When the second cup comes around at 2 a.m. and then you expect me to meditate in the dark for 45 min. and then dance to your trance stuff and stomp around all the while I'm dry heaving I'm not going to be the most energetic soul.  Goddamn it start the ceremonies at 6 for the middle age types.  lol

And Jerry Rice.  I know this story is probably apocryphal, but he was allegedly relentless is his attention to detail in style, clothing, manner and in all forms of his outward manifestations.  As a result, he ran the perfectly timed pass patterns and was Joe Montana's favorite receiver.   Not only that, but he is considered one of the NFL greats even though he lacked the natural talents of speed, height, and dexterity of many of his contemporaries.   He was an overachiever.  For me that Saturday night I was everything he wasn't.  My office is a disaster.  I have an abundance of cheap TJ Maxx clothes that don't fit me, I drive around a car that doesn't project any freaking image.

Let's go back to the car thing.  The life coach Ms. T. drives a Tesla.  And she is annoying.  Because she is right.  I sometimes don't have a positive mental attitude.  I don't manifest what I want in the world because most of the time I DO NOT REALLY KNOW WHAT I WANT.  And when you don't have an intention with the medicine or with life it can punish you sometimes.
Are you done now?
Good. lol