Voice 2: Why? Do not they not like this frozen concoction that keeps me hanging on?
Voice 1: No, these are the Gods of much Tiki--ness. I think they demand a sacrifice. Perhaps more than we can offer.
Voice 2: What kind of lame backward ass Gods are they? How totally retro. A sacrifice in this day and age? Who do they think they are? They need to get with the 21st Century. We don't sacrifice to our Gods any more--as if we ever had any to begin with.
Voice 1: Oh, I think we still make many sacrifices to the Gods. The Gods have just become more sophisticated in their demands so that we do no recognize it as a sacrifice per se. Each time we go to the gym, for example, we sacrifice to the God of fitness so that we can live longer or to the God of the swimsuit adoration cult. These frozen drinks and wine are nothing more than offerings to the Gods of temporary euphoria and happiness. I think we both worship at that shrine daily.
Voice 2: Maybe so, but what does this Tiki God want from us?
Voice 1: He wants a virgin sacrifice. I looked him up on the internet and this God is old school and traditional.
Voice 2: Virgin sacrifice? Are you kidding? Where are we going to find a virgin? Certainly not in this bar.
Voice 1: We could always ask some of the patrons who look particularly inebriated.
Voice 2: Ha! Good luck with that.
Voice 1: Excuse me Ma'am, it appears that one of the God's of this fine establishment is demanding a sacrifice or there will be dire repercussions with all the patrons herein. We were wondering if you could help us.
Random Female in Tiki Bar ("RFTB"): Sure. I'd be happy to lay down a bunt to move your God's runner to second. Here I go....
Voice 2: I think you misunderstood what we are asking. The God wants a virgin sacrifice.
RFTB: Here, you can have my drink. I'm not sure there is much virgin in the Daiquiri, but it might make your God happy.
Voice 1: I think that you misunderstand us. They are looking for a human sacrifice of a human who has not had sex yet.
RFTB: Honey, you aren't going to find any of those in here. I'm here just to get away from my six kids. And your God isn't getting his hands on my oldest, I don't care what he is going to do to the people in here.
Voice 2: Yes, I think his God is kind of out of luck in here. He need to go back to the Dark Ages or something.
Voice 1: What makes you think the God is a "he"?
Voice 2: Any God who wants a Virgin is a man. Women don't really give a shit. Hell, Virgins don't know what they are doing anyway.
GOD OF THE TIKI BAR ("GOTTB"): Blasphemers! Prepare to feel my wrath! (Bar starts shaking with ominous tremors).
RFTB: Everybody run! Save you daughters!
Voice 2: God of the Tiki Bar have you no shame? Misogyny died long ago. Why don't you make like the goalie and get the puck out of here.
GOTTB: How dare you fail to respect my authority!
Voice 2: Well, if you want a Virgin sacrifice, you will have to go elsewhere, you are out of luck here.
Voice 1: Wait, before you kill us all, I will make the sacrifice. For humor is my virgin sacrifice to reality.
GOTTB: Huh?
Voice 1: Think about it. Its not very funny, trust me. It can't be funny after all, I'm a virgin.
Voice 2: And reality is my virgin sacrifice to logic.
GOTTB: You unbelievers must be punished.
Voice 1: We are not unbelievers but believe but in a very naive sort of way. Please take our sacrifice of knowledge so that you can increase yours. But while you are waiting, have this shot of mescal mixed with barrel aged run.
Voice 2: Begone with you Tiki-God. We are devotees of the God of Small Bits of Sarcasm Here and there. We call upon him to banish you.
God of Small Bits of Sarcasm Here and There ("GOSBSHANDT"): Fellow Tiki-God, these devotees mean you no harm. I invoke the Deux Ex Machina. Now lets go find us some Virgins.
AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER
Three dots and a dash, tunnel vision, Jbtv. :-)
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