Hillman's Ouroboros

 So I laugh at the word mindfulness.  It has nothing to do with it.  Maybe emptying the mind, but the last thing I want to do is fill the mind.  I know I'm quibbling here, but its MIND FULL.  That's how we say it.  Words have meaning.  And my 21st century version of the zen shout is ITS NOT ABOUT FREAKING MIND!  lol  

So Hillman is even more nuanced.  All this reflection on the mind that humans do, focusing on how we feel, what's going on this mind, the content of the mind, what is arising in the mind, even awareness itself ain't where the action is.  Its not about the mind.  Focusing on the mind is narcissism, which of course according to modern therapy is bad and needs to be treated with therapy.  Of course, the dirty little secret is that therapy starts with paying attention to the mind, focusing on the mind, being mindful of the mind.  So therapy is generating a problem that you need therapy to treat.  Sounds like full time occupation generator.

Another dirty little secret?  Jesus likely was gay, or at least queer.  And if you don't believe me, ask Professor Kripal.  And I dig that.  Almost makes me want to be a Christian.  And Mohammed had 9 wives or something.  So this explains a lot.

Overstimulation

 So I totally get the so called grounding yourself.  And I go down there as often as I remember to.  Even now.  I'm touching the floor while another part types this. 

 But there is still a movement in that.  An effort.  And I feel like a part of me is tired and numb.  And overstimulated.  Especially overstimulated. Everything bothers me.  And its not like there is anything wrong with that, its just that there is an edge in most people's actions.  Even when they don't intend it.  So I comfort myself.  Which takes another effort. Sooth.  I just love that word by the way.  I want to say it every day.  Make it my mantra.  Sooth.

And I know that I can't keep avoiding things.  But i just want to crawl into a tiny ball.  And probably what I am most avoiding is the uncomfortable energy (aka pain) all around my body.  It just hurts.  But i want to take it to bed and listen to it and sooth it and comfort it and ask it what it wants but I know its not going to answer with anything rational and any words, its just hurts, its angry.  I'm not sure it even knows what it wants.  It just wants to throw a tantrum.  So I wake up at 3:00 am with a tantrum going on inside me.  I guess it could be worse.  A lot worse actually.  I don't have it that bad.  And I can settle me down and go back to sleep usually.

So I had this dream last night.  I may not have it correct but I was surrounded by paper.  Reading it. Trying to solve it. Some sort of argument.  And then there was something about Neal Peart.  Like he had written all this paper.   But it was really a drum beat.  Everywhere.  The words and the drum beat coalesced and formed a reality which was kind of overwhelming.   I was totally overstimulated:-)