I'll be your bitch, especially if you were a cheerleader

So I have been reluctant to expose the full excitement and weirdness I have at times.  And it probably stems back from being social awkward growing up, especially among women.  And somewhere along the line I must have been told I was weird or didn't really fit into the vibe kids were in at the time.  I suppose that wouldn't have been surprising.  Lately, I've noticed the comfort I get when I expose (notice I keep using that word, like being naked) my feelings.  Like with SD when I said that I was going to be a channel, or D where I indicated we would be checking in on each other as we grow old in the same building.   And yes, if she was a cheerleader back in the day, I would be her bitch, (her word).  And there was something almost touching about that how I have this younger part of me that can demonstrate its raw emotions to connect with someone for comfort.  And there is nothing wrong with that.  I guess if I get rebuffed, they are not part of my tribe to begin with right.

And of course this rawness is also like turtles all the way down, and of course it has a dark side as well.  And I get that as well.  Like one organism swimming into another under a veneer of love.  I get that as well.  But by God, just the comfort of being at ease with someone would be so awesome.  Even if it was a product of human design...lol  

By the way, I love that little guy who is some girl's bitch.  He's kinda hysterical.  And I wonder if the gift of being used by someone goes all the way down into some esoteric act of surrender or theurgy.  Would not be surprising.  I feel i'm going down the hypnotic stairwell deep in the forest, or in my ancient east side boarding house to find out the mystery of where that leads, where my younger needy guy leads me.  

Another One of Those

 I had another one of those dreams last night where none of the characters or events were in any way "human".  It was all about survival, I think, but even that might be too much of a human word.  It makes me wonder what existence might be at it most basic level, and how consciousness is nothing more than shielding us for this fundamental reality of eating or being eaten.  Or something in between.

This dream occurred somewhat early in the night I think and when I woke up and had even a rudimentary understanding that I had just had a dream the enormity of the dream beckoned me back in.  I didn't want to get up or move, but I wanted to go back in and not run from it, which I guess is interesting in itself, and its sort of interesting that this inclination to face the difficult stuff may be getting more hardwired in my brain.  

And I wondered if all this interest in spiritual things, and meditation, is all a way of self soothing which seems more and more fundamental to what I'm doing.  Trying to settle myself down and comfort myself in the face of this anxiety of what is really going on underneath everything.  Let it all in.  Welcome it.  Soothe it.

A Prisoner, Sort of ?

So in the dream, I was sort of identified with a little boy who was taken prisoner, kind of.  But kinda not really because I was given instructions that even though I was a prisoner and would be working for this family as a servant, I was really spying on them on behalf of some unidentified power that I guess had lost some sort of battle or war, but that part was not clear.

So the family I was working for was the Kennedy's.  As in John F Kennedy the former president.  And so  went in my childhood, I worked for the Kennedy's and I took their mail and gave it to someone.  I was a spy after all.  But after a while, I think what happened is that I became attached to the Kennedy's and told one of them  (I think a male) that I had been a spy because I thought that being a spy was wrong and I liked the family. 

Later on in the dream, I must have been really attached to the family, because I started sleeping with the matriarch.  She was a lot older than me.  I don't really remember that part, but I remember thinking that she must have been instructing me on the whole sex thing as she was older and I guess the kid I identified with was no longer young.  Keep in mind, I really wasn't him in my dream, or the dream was not in the first person through his eyes, I was sort of a spectator.  But I do remember getting out of bed with the matriarch and seeing that she was old.  I wasn't concerned about that then, what I was concerned was that one of the other spies (e.g. child prisoners) who had been working for the Kennedy's would report that I had been compromised or something.  So I remember trying to hide my relationship with the older matriarch from everyone.

Then later on the scene changed to a different venue, and one of the prisoners I think was ordering food and it seemed like all was well and that everyone was connected and there was no distinction anymore between the prisoners and Kennedy's.  Or I guess I wasn't concerned that my relationship with the matriarch would be revealed.  I do remember toward the end of the dream looking at an old photo of myself as a kid in an old German Wehrmacht uniform.  So in retrospect, I guess I must have been a German prisoner.

This dream lasted what seemed like the whole night.  I remember waking and going back to sleep and getting back into it.  And it felt when I awoke that some part of me that had been empty was filled with a different energy.  Which felt really good.  It felt like the dream added some part to me that wasn't there before.  Something new and not previously connected to my life.  Something like what my Kelly Walsh friend told me about Thermopolis years ago and I guess has come to fruition.  I guess that sort of has been on my mind, but I haven't quite bought into that story yet as there could be a trickster involved:-).   And then that energy changed to a feeling of chaos and madness, which I was able to ground and feel grateful for what it was showing me.  As if the chaos was anxiety inchoate which I remember to turn into a friend.