I'll be your bitch, especially if you were a cheerleader

So I have been reluctant to expose the full excitement and weirdness I have at times.  And it probably stems back from being social awkward growing up, especially among women.  And somewhere along the line I must have been told I was weird or didn't really fit into the vibe kids were in at the time.  I suppose that wouldn't have been surprising.  Lately, I've noticed the comfort I get when I expose (notice I keep using that word, like being naked) my feelings.  Like with SD when I said that I was going to be a channel, or D where I indicated we would be checking in on each other as we grow old in the same building.   And yes, if she was a cheerleader back in the day, I would be her bitch, (her word).  And there was something almost touching about that how I have this younger part of me that can demonstrate its raw emotions to connect with someone for comfort.  And there is nothing wrong with that.  I guess if I get rebuffed, they are not part of my tribe to begin with right.

And of course this rawness is also like turtles all the way down, and of course it has a dark side as well.  And I get that as well.  Like one organism swimming into another under a veneer of love.  I get that as well.  But by God, just the comfort of being at ease with someone would be so awesome.  Even if it was a product of human design...lol  

By the way, I love that little guy who is some girl's bitch.  He's kinda hysterical.  And I wonder if the gift of being used by someone goes all the way down into some esoteric act of surrender or theurgy.  Would not be surprising.  I feel i'm going down the hypnotic stairwell deep in the forest, or in my ancient east side boarding house to find out the mystery of where that leads, where my younger needy guy leads me.  

Another One of Those

 I had another one of those dreams last night where none of the characters or events were in any way "human".  It was all about survival, I think, but even that might be too much of a human word.  It makes me wonder what existence might be at it most basic level, and how consciousness is nothing more than shielding us for this fundamental reality of eating or being eaten.  Or something in between.

This dream occurred somewhat early in the night I think and when I woke up and had even a rudimentary understanding that I had just had a dream the enormity of the dream beckoned me back in.  I didn't want to get up or move, but I wanted to go back in and not run from it, which I guess is interesting in itself, and its sort of interesting that this inclination to face the difficult stuff may be getting more hardwired in my brain.  

And I wondered if all this interest in spiritual things, and meditation, is all a way of self soothing which seems more and more fundamental to what I'm doing.  Trying to settle myself down and comfort myself in the face of this anxiety of what is really going on underneath everything.  Let it all in.  Welcome it.  Soothe it.