Various points May 6-8

So then I'm on a bike in the morning riding to the zen center also known as the Unitarian Church, and then I am talking to this new couple who were originally from Bolivia by way of Houston and the Houston Zen center and they have all the zen trappings in their black robes and me in my bike shorts and jersey.  And no they are not going to the sesshin at the end of the month because they are going to a week long sesshin in Bolivia.  And then we start zazen and I notice that they are moving in zazen. Then I think are they going 2000 miles to sit and move in Bolivia.

But then it feels like anxiety. Or the idea of anxiety.  So I go exploring to find out what this is.   And its  like a top spinning off the land and I realize the sensation is just me, I am the top spinning on the  the world beneath me.  And I hear the earth tell me:  "Don't worry I will give you what you need."  Then I realize that this feeling of anxiety is really just a feeling of not being connected to what is around me but separate, and separate feels alone and scary.  But don't worry, you are of the earth and I will give you what you need.  And then everything was rainbows and unicorns again.  For I am not separate, and I realize that whenever I feel separate to relax into the ground.  And to look into the eyes of others.  And to feel the earth beneath me.

And then Elihu was giving a dharma talk and it seemed to have more of an edge than usual.  Very sharp and condensed.  And funny.  I remembered to look up the book he referred to:  "Trying to Give up what you don't have."  LOL

And then I try to take a nap and can't.  Then I go to a birthday party at It's all About wine and I talk to Rick and his girlfriend who I don't know that well but she seemed to really warm up to me when I made the joke that she needed to stop showing me the pictures of her twin daughters (college age) who were demonstrating cleavage.  Which is true by the way in the sense that I don't really need to see that and that 2) they did have nice cleavage but 3 it seemed to make their mother happy that I thought "them" attractive.   Further jokes on this issue will undoubtedly take place in the future because they are going to Summer camp with me evidently.   Which of course will take place on my birthday.  Which is probably good that I'm not going there alone on my birthday, or maybe not.  It would probably be good for me to be alone for awhile.  But I digress.

So then I continue to move boxes, but take a break.  And then I talk to the landlord dude, or at least I think that he is the landlord dude and he seems very nice almost to the point of being intrusive and I wonder and start to devise plots so that Dave and none of the other tenants know that I am a lawyer which might get them believing that I have something interesting to steal, which I do not, unless you like carbon bikes or wine.   And I have those hidden in a different place anyway.   And Dave the landlord dude seems ok anyway.   And it feels like it could be a home.

And then I go to Delinda's art opening at the Hoogland.  And she has a painting of people sitting zazen at her house by the lake.  They are sitting not moving of course.   And it is called something to do with zen.  And I look at the different designs on the picture representing perhaps the mental states of each one of the meditators and I think about it for awhile and wonder if one of them is me.   Which I am sure it is not, but I imagine that if one of them were about me, it would be the one with overlapping concentric circles like multiple ripples in a pond.  Certainly not the one with polka dots.  LOL

So then there is a long interlude with my daughters.  Taco party.  And then I strong arm them into going to a yoga class with me.  Their first one.  And the other people in the class comment that fathers day has arrived early because they are doing it for me.   But I know I doing it for them, so that they will go to the YMCA yoga class in Decatur by themselves, and know what to expect.

And then I move boxes again.  And then I make M very sad again which is very sad in itself.

And then I go to the open Mic poetry night at William Van's and I wait a long time before my name is called and then I read without humor or emotion.  I read "what must be done," "help," and "drunkenly sober."  And I wonder what Ian and Mason think about it.   Well not so much Mason because I know he was higher than a kite.    And my mom wants to hear what I read so I send them to her which is probably not a good idea because now she is worried that they are worrisome poems.  Which when I read them again they are a little odd, but I insist to her that I am feeling ok, which I really believe I am.  Except for this morning when I woke up all tight in my back.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that I was the highest bidder on the djembe recommended by Dennis and Dawn.  And that it is enroute.  For my birthday.  And I think that I will like the drum circle business.   And Dennis and Dawn.

Points of LIght/non-Light, May 3- 5 because Journaling would be a good idea according to the dude who listened to me ramble for well over an hour before I got the message when I saw him furtively look at the clock on the office wall

At work during the normal time of non-light around 11 where it always hits because my blood sugar is low or whatever, you know the time, where it all feels like it falls apart, but especially this time because now I have those sensations in the back of my skull that I imagine signal the onset of a new chemical imbalance in my brain and I think, now it begins, embrace the change, befriend you demons, they are leading you to growth, while on the other side I think what am I doing? this is not therapeutic, etc. etc. you know the drill, this is the dynamic, but any way, all this was interrupted by a text from Lellis, about the fact that all the Rotary people should proceed to the Illinois times, or at least those without preexisting lunch plans because Lo there is a Hy-Vee food truck on the premises because its Cinco de Mayo week,  so without delay because my lunch plans only involve being alone which is of course referrant to the preexisting condition above that dynamic going on that I need to embrace the loneliness for growth vs the "what are you doing" not healthy dynamic, so I take the former and socialize at which point I arrive and am greeting by a big hug and "I'm glad you came"etc and life is once again all rainbows and unicorns then it gets even better because I meet by chance one of my new poetry group besties Shatriya and It feels again like I have community and non loneliness and that all is good.   And then the conversation with the Hy-Vee manager and learn that it is none other than Julia  formerly of Julias kitchen in the food truck and that's why the fish tacos are so good and behold what F. Farrar is eating looks even better because it involves collard greens wrapped in some sort of port belly and looks way artistic.

And then it is discussed how I found out about the event and I make everybody laugh by commenting that I do everything that Lellis tells me to do which goes over well with her boss Fletcher because after all he is paying her to market and the fact that I follow her orders is a good indicia of her employment skills and then I feel good having killed two stones with bird by generating laughter and praise at the same time.  So this would be a high point.   I have decreed it to be so.

So then there continues to be the ongoing internal conversation involving moving and storage, especially storage of the wine which by the way I haven't touched in awhile having set on this course of self discovery, And as I arrange and move and plan the above mentioned dynamic returns to the refrain of "on the road again" to "road to nowhere" which I wonder if this little endeavor of self discovery is indeed therapeutic to wit, that those with anxiety do no benefit from being shut off and alone but function better in groups, versus, the need to face and befriend the inner demons and not keep avoiding them.

Then I am on a bike, and then I am at a winery, and then I get sad news upon sad news from the owners and wish I can help, and maybe I already have.   Poor things, all of them.  May they all be well and may all these storms pass them over or at least give them a fucking break.  Can you hear that?  Give them a fucking break storms!  Pass them over I say!

And then I am in a car late to my work thing in bloomington and then I am late for the dinner and I walk in when Tim is speaking and its somewhat embarrassing and a reminder that I don't fit in, which is reinforced initially by my table mates that I don't have anything in common with these people but then I remember my little mantra from the last Zen sesshin that all is god, and I remember that these people and my thoughts about them are all god and that I am god intoxicated and then my little darkness returns to light and i remember that all these people are me and we are just one big fucking happy family and all is well and all is good and then I think that I must blog about this and be more specific about what I mean by God so this is your reminder to do that dude.

And then the conversation from the Bible belt leads to discovery that one of the bible thumpers is actually an obsessive marathon runner, way obsessive to be precise, and there is a certain repoire developed as we talk about bulletproof things and gut microbiome things, you know the usual stuff that I am into these days.  And have been into

And then I continue to have long conversations with people who keep coming out of the wood work and I learn that it is not just me with a chakra imbalance, it is the world.  And then I go to sleep.  And did I mention that I have not been sleeping well?   Then I need to buy one of those slide locks and put it on the door so noone gets in at night.  Or a dog to protect me.