You Always Knew I was Batty

Bats supposedly don't get arthritis and rarely get cancer.  For a mammal their size, they live a remarkably long time.  We all should all be more like them.  Not the sucking blood business, but at least the sleeping upside down bit.  Bats were yogis long before yogi had Booboo and India was invaded by the English.  Or was that the Persians.  Or the Chaka Khans.   Never forget the military prowess of the Chaka Khans.  Kubla Khan had nothing on Chaka.  Chaka will rock the shit out of your country.

Vampires are supposed to be bats, right?  So how come Vampires always slept in coffins and never upside down?  Typical Hollywood B.S.  Bats avoid arthritis because they sleep upside down.  Kinda hard to get an inflammatory disease with all those inverted poses.  It then logically follows that even thought Vampires live a long time (they are bats after all.),  if they don't sleep upside down, they must still get arthritis.  That must explain the gnarled hands of Nosferatu.  At least Hollywood got that part right.

Bats have started their own record label, you know.  An independent label.  They wanted to send their sonar sounds out in the sonosphere.  They wanted to expose the rest of us to their reality.  A reality with a small "r."  Their first song was a spiritual allegory of postwar life in Britain.  And Genghis Khan.   It was kinda difficult to follow.   I thought maybe you could hang with it more if you were upside down.  Just saying.  I wrote them a screen play once hoping to give their little allegory some structure.  But it was a non starter.

So I went to New York and started to produce some records there.  I had some initial success.   Did I ever tell this story to you?   There was alot of drugs, a lot of action.  I knew I had some great music, but I was frustrated about never having the craft and skill to really deliver it.  Maybe my mystical ideas were too mystical.  Maybe it was when the drummer ODed that brought my little project down. Maybe it was the fateful visit that wine merchant.  I remember only purchasing three bottles of wine. The receipts say otherwise.  It hurts me to talk about it anymore.

But the bats were never good at the psychology.  The deeply felt resentment that eats and eats and eats away.  They became slightly paranoid.  A type of mental illness.  Not quite in touch of reality per se.  Its up to us to bring them back.  We had to spend the money to get them out of prison.  The day after the funeral, we came here and walked into this ballroom.  And we did this melancholy sort of walz.  But we didn't want to continue anymore.  Not without the bats anyway.

Paging Dr. Yes

Interviewer ("I"):  We are hanging out at the corner of Collins and Eighth Street in Miami.

Anonymous Arms Dealer (AAD):  That's South Beach Miami

I:   Exactly.  And I don't mean to brag, but sitting next to me on of this bench is one of the world's largest arms dealers from a certain county in a certain part of the world whose name will not be disclosed for certain reasons.  But I think that what can be disclosed is that he is drinking Johnny Walker.   

AAD:  That's Johnny Walker Black label. 

I:  Well since we can't disclose your name, what should we call you?  Mr. X?  Maximum Cargo?  

AAD:   Because of my similarity to James Bond in many ways, I think you should refer to me as Dr. Yes. 

I:  Fantastic! Well, Dr. Yes what is on your agenda for your short stay here in South Beach Miami?

Dr. Yes: Of course, I cannot disclose that for certain security reasons. However, what I can disclose to you is that a very important transaction will take place near Islamorada in your Florida Keys in the very near future.  We are working through our US proxy, a certain very attractive female whose code-name is "Dreadlocks Galore."  Dreadlocks Galore is working as a front as a bartender and a photographer for National Geographic.. In any event,  this transaction will significantly enhance the defense capabilities of a certain Middle Eastern country.

I:  Is this the same buxom female who you rescued yesterday from the swimming snake?

Dr. Yes:  No, the woman I saved yesterday was another operative who was posing as my wife for another transaction, which for certain reasons I am not at liberty to disclose.  Her code name is "Alotta Jumbas."  Moreover, that was no mere swimming snake you saw yesterday--that was the rare North American King Cobra, known not only for its lethality, but the fact that it can swim faster than Ryan Lochte.

I:  And just so my listeners are aware, I actually saw Dr. Yes take down this swimming cobra with some sort of armament that he pulled out of his vest.

Dr. Yes:  My son, that "armament" as you called it was the 50 caliber magnum Desert Eagle.  It is a weapon deserving respect and I advise you take note of it.

I:  With all  respect that 50 caliber made short work of the snake.   It was also impressive at the dexterity in which you drew the weapon were able to dispatch the snake between its eyes.

Dr. Yes:  I was trained by the special forces in a certain Asian country to become one with many weapons.  However, for security reasons, I am not a liberty to disclose the methodology of my training.

I:  Is there anything you can disclose for the listeners here in America?

Dr. Yes:  Certainly, though marijuana has been legalized in several of your American States, at least here in Miami, the weed your countrymen smoke smells like skunk weed.  Have not your botanical skills advanced in the last Century?  What is the point of liberating the weed if you have not learned to \grow it.  Riddle me that, smart American.

I:  I'm not sure I have an answer for that, Dr. Yes.  Truly the weed here in Miami is the Schwag.  Especially the denziens on that flotilla we saw earlier today in the ocean.   A veritable olfactory nightmare.

Dr. Yes:  The second thing I would like to disclose is that in my county, the Islamic women wear the Burkini on the beach.   Here, I do not see any Moslem women on the beach.  What is the deal with that?  Are they afraid of Trump or something?

I:  I have them in my hotel room.  I barged into an ISIS meeting the other day and asked the men there if I could dance with their women. Care to join us?

Dr. Yes:  Not in a million years my friend.

I:  Have you not seen the Egyptian synchronized swimming team in the Olympics?