Tattoo You: Redux (Sarabi Armapali Susko v. Disney Studios, Inc.)

IN THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT OF THE NORTHERN DISTRICT OF CALIFORNIA


SARABI ARMAPALI SUSKO

V.

DISNEY STUDIOS, INC., THE WALT DISNEY TRUST (OR LACK THEREOF), AND BASICALLY ANY OTHER PERSON ASSOCIATED WITH WALT DISNEY WHO CAN COMPENSATE ME FOR THE ATROCITY PURVEYED UPON MY SKIN,

COMPLAINT AT LAW AND EQUITY

1.  Plaintiff is a citizen of the State of California and at all times in the distant past leading up to perhaps in the present has been the sweetest of women, honoring and obeying each and every one of her parents in all matters domestic and private.

2.  Defendants are citizens of the State of Delaware, and incorporated into the State of Same, doing business in all 50 States and around the world as an evil empire of banal and childish kitsch.

Count I--Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress

1.  Long ago, and in a Galaxy far away, the Plaintiff was an innocent and highly impressionable young woman  permeated with good intentions and unquestionable virtue.

2.  When in the course of Plaintiff's events, Plaintiff was confronted with numerous unwanted deleterious and otherwise ghastly movies authored by Defendant's and its evil minions, including but not limited to:  The Lion King, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, Pocahontas etc, etc, ad nauseaum.

3.  As a proximate result of repeated exposure to said movies, Plaintiff became a mindless zombie, blindly following the wishes of her intergalactic overseers otherwise known as Disney/Pixar/Enterprises.

4.  While a zombie, Plaintiff, against her will and against all sound judgment did then and there at various times subject her body to various touchings of needles and subcutaneous injections of industrial strength dye in a semi-artistic manner hereinafter referred to as "Tattoos."

5.  Further expressing her captivation under the spell of Defendants, Plaintiff did select or cause to be selected "Tattoos" depicting various scenes and characters authored by Defendants with the exception of the "Tattoo" of the word "Cunt" appearing on Plaintiff's right forearm.

6.  As a result of the administration of Tattoos while the Plaintiff was younger and impressionable, Plaintiff continues to experience severe, unrelenting, and permanent emotional distress.

Wherefore, Plaintiff prays that Defendants award her 1 "one" shitload amount of money, and for whatever additional relief justice may require.

Plaintiff demands trial by Jury of Twelve on Count I.

COUNT II--QUANTUM MERUIT/UNJUST ENRICHMENT.

1-6.   Plaintiff re alleges the allegations in Count I paragraphs 1-6 as and for the allegations of Count II paragraphs 1-6.

7.  As a result of the Tattoos secured by Plaintiff depicting various movies authored by Defendant, Defendant has received an abundance of free advertisements of its movies.

8.  Because of the abundance of advertising of Plaintiff and the fact that numerous other impressionable women have been influenced by the abundance of coolness emanating from Plaintiff, Defendant's sales within the Domestic and International Market have thereby became enhanced.

Wherefore, Plaintiff prays that Defendant forks over some of that cash that she's entitled to, and pay her way to Senegal next year.

Signed,

Sri Pseudopumpkin, Esq.
Attorney for the Plaintiff and other Downtrodden People
(except in real life)

I Work at a Factory all Day and I Make All Kinds of Things

but the one thing I don't make is sense.

Instead, I make copacetic accessories for a little boutique down on the Gaza strip.

But Bob, I get asked constantly, "I know you are copacetic and all, but are you really better off than you were a year ago?"

To which I inevitably respond, "Its not at all about the space time continuum.  Everything you think you know in life is actually controlled by Fifth Dimensional entities beyond our comprehension who sit all day on couches and watch endless reruns of the Andy Griffith show on TV land.   Indeed,  these Fifth Dimensional beings manipulated human evolution in order that not only was the Andy Griffith show created, but it was put into syndication.  Remember the Cuban Missile Crisis?  The Cold War?  Ever think about why humanity didn't destroy itself when it had the chance?  Well the answer my friend, is not blowing in the wind.  Instead, these Fifth Dimensional beings kept humanity from certain destruction in order than not only would the internet be created, but cable TV, Netflix, and an endless supply of 1950s TV reruns available to any and all couch potatoes in the world.   Indeed, as long as the Earth rotates around the Sun, no wonder what else happens to humanity, you can rest assured that Cable TV will be available and streaming on some sort of bandwidth that is easily accessible to our friends in the Fifth Dimension."

"In other words my friend," I tell them, with a certain amount of glee, "the question is not whether I'm better off, or what my country can do for me, but whether the goal in life should be to not only carpe diem, but to carpe carpum.  In other words, you have to seize life by the wrist, pull it off that goddamn couch, and turn that freaking TV off.    And by the way, my name is not Bob, its Dick.   I hate it when people call me Bob!"